My Tom is gone…

Hi Lainey,
I hope I didn’t sound too pathetic. I’m glad you told me your brother-in-law was able to drive. I’ll have a driver for two weeks and I already told my Doc I had to be able to hobble to my greenhouses by week three so I’m sure I’ll be fine and mobile. I really don’t have a choice! It’s funny isn’t it, but I honestly don’t think I really looked at myself for the past year and a half, since Tom became really sick. What a surprise when you finally take a look! Where did all the gray hair, which I hide of course, and wrinkles come from? I guess we’ve all earned them for sure.
I have to tell you the rest of the story from Tom calling my name the other night. I was sound asleep. I take Tylenol PM to help me sleep and for my knee pain. My youngest son Morgan, the adventurer, had decided to go for a night time bike ride to his friend’s house about 10 miles away. He rides on a bike trail that goes through some pretty remote areas. He told me he would be home around midnight and it wasn’t a very cold night so I didn’t worry too much. Around 1:30 or 2 Tom’s voice woke me right up. I actually sat up in be in a panic like I used to. Then I decided to go check and see if Morgan was home yet. He wasn’t. It turns out that he was tired and decided to lay down on one of the benches along the trail, probably right about the same time Tom spoke to me and he fell asleep. He got home around 5 and told me where he had been and I couldn’t believe it. I honestly think Tom was worried about him and tried to tell me something was wrong. He was dressed warm enough and it wasn’t very cold, plus he’s climbed mountains and camped out all over but we still worry all the time and that was Tom’s way of telling me.It’s actually very comforting because I told Tom I wanted him to be our kids guardian angel if he could. We always felt his mother was his. So I’m a believer too.
I will tell you how things go next week with the support group. I’ll probably end up just going once. It’s just good to talk to someone. My oldest son does go to counseling through the VA and my daughter goes too because she’s had so many miscarriages and now lost her Dad. They never really say whether it helps or not. Everybodies different. I think I will be a lot better once Spring is here and I’m busy again and have people around. These Ohio winters last forever! Take care and have a great weekend! Love, Mary

Lainey,
I didn’t want to take over Hans’ post so I hope you read this. I’m sorry you’re feeling so poorly.I hope you get better soon! It’s funny that you wrote what you did about how taking care of yourself is helping to not miss Teddy so much. Just before Tom died my daughter commented that she had been looking through pictures before Tom’s cancer and after and that it had obviously taken a toll on me. She didn’t mean it to be negative, it was obvious the last few months in particular, that I was totally wiped out and hadn’t had time to worry about my own health let alone my looks. Since, I’ve actually been sleeping a lot more ( with help). In fact probably too much but I don’t want to be awake when it’s dark and that is hard this time of year. I’ve been doing a little shopping, bought some new makeup, had my hair styled for a change, lost some weight and bought a few new outfits. I really just wanted to be out of the house and doing something but I feel better and actually have had people comment how good I look! I must have really looked bad! HA! Anyway, I was dealing with things a little better because I was preoccupied with a new project, me! I also wallpapered my dining room and am trying to get some cleaning done. The last few days though I’ve been a mess. I’ve had to go to Drs. and get an MRI and X-ray for my knee surgery and I sit in the waiting room with couples and it makes me so sad and sorry for myself that Tom isn’t here to help me through all of this. I hate depending on my kids. My boys are still with me but Morgan is going back to Thailand two weeks after my surgery and Aaron finally got a job so will be gone quite a bit and and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to drive 30 miles with a bad right knee to PT three times a week after Morgan leaves. It’s crazy. I hate having to deal with this. I know all of you are in the same boat and it’s really hard! My boys were fighting with each other yesterday and I just started crying. I told them I just wanted my old life back. I want their Dad to be here helping me and working with me and I don’t want to depend on them. At least that calmed them down and made them behave a little better. They’ve actually been doing pretty good considering the fact they’ve both been on their own for years and are back living with Mom under the same roof! I actually took a happy pill yesterday because I couldn’t get it together.
I’m glad you feel Teddy with you. I have dreams about Tom, we’re always doing something together but I”ve never really felt he was trying to communicate until last night. About 1:30 AM I heard his voice call my name. It was the same way he always did when something was wrong- he was really sick or his drain was leaking, etc. I woke right up in a panic and it took a few seconds to realize it was a dream. I just layed there trying to feel his presence but that was it. I’m hoping when I have surgery and am under anesthesia I’ll have some kind of experience with him that I will remember.
I’m going to a hospice support group next week. They’re having a six week session starting Thurs. so I’m going to give it a try. I feel like it may help. We’ll see. Take care of yourself. I hope you get well soon. Thanks for all of your support! I really appreciate it. Love, Mary

Lainey,
I hope you got through the “first” anniversary alright. That seems like a lifetime away to me right now. I know time will keep ticking away but I have to say I’m not looking forward to much right now. I actually am hoping that by 2014 things will be better. Next year will be very hard with surgeries etc. , then someone told me the second year is the worst, which my brothers are proving to be true, so it looks like it’s going to be 2014 before I feel optimistic and maybe even happy again. What a pessimist I am. I actually do have some good days. I told my brothers that we all have good days , bad days and some in between and that seems to be the new normal.I guess we just have to look forward to the good days when they occur. Take care, Love Mary

Lainey,
It’s the poem you sent above in your comments to me. It seems to be cut off in the middle. If you could e-mail it to me with your phone number that would be great. We’re doing okay. The nights are the worst and the holidays! You know all about that. They gave me a candle with Tom’s picture on it that I light everynight by my bed and I light one under his big picture that we blew up for his funeral. I’d like to get that one on here. It’s a great picture of “farmer Tom”. It just feels like he’s closer that way. I’ll be in touch. Love, Mary

We’ve made it through the hardest part with my Tom’s calling hours on Fri. and service on Sat. Everything was perfect. Tom told me to do what I wanted and I think he would have been happy. My Tom was a great singer like Teddy. He did musical theater in his youth, sang in the Ohio Youth choir throughout Europe when he was 16 and in church choirs the past 20 years. In 1993 his Dad, himself and 3 brothers did a mini-concert at church that my sister-in-law recorded but I had never seen. I was laying awake the Sun after he died thinking of the service and decided to call her and see if she still had the video. She did so we played it in the middle of the service. They were so good, no one had a dry eye but it was really special. We also had a family party video from 1986 where Tom and his brothers played guitar and sang while all of our kids ran around playing their toy guitars etc. We played that during the calling hour before the service. After the service my best girlfriend came up to me and said “leave it to Tom to figure out a way to sing at his own funeral!!” That was great. My 2 son’s and stepson were unbelievable strong and each got up and eulogized their Dad and my daughter and I wrote