My world has collapsed because I lost my mother 6 weeks ago today

Dear Jeeyoung and Dee999,

It’s been 9 months now since my beautiful mother passed away from this monster of a disease. They changed one of my anti-depressants and hopefully this will help me get through the loss and to deal with my late mother’s estate in France. I’ve gone through hell trying to get all the paper work together required by French Law. It’s so complicated, they take their time and always going on vacation. I’m on the final round which involves a mandatory translation from French into English of the Attested Affidavit and Proxy by a “Sworn” translator. So through my attorney in Paris, I found a “Sworn” translator in Paris, as they do not accept a “certified” translator like we have here. Then I have to have it notarized and may have to fly to Chicago and present the translated documents to the French Consulate to sign again and have it stamped. Once this is done and my Notaire (equivalent to an attorney) in Paris receive the hard copy in Paris, the Deed will be in my name.

It will be hard for me to go back to Paris to her studio when she’s not there. I miss her and love her so much more than anyone in the world. Every morning, I sit outside (weather permitting) in the back yard with my coffee and cigarette (which I picked up again) and talk to her, cry sometimes, and listen to her through my mind. I believe in after-life and I know that when I die, I will see her again and be by her side eternally.

While in Paris, I have to have the studio and the contents appraised and pay a 30% inheritance fee once the studio is sold. Also, have to check all the electrical outlets and fix the non working one(s) if any, and also check for asbestos, since the building was built in the 70’s. Then, I can put it up for sale. Once there’s a buyer, according to French Law, I have to wait 2 months to get paid, providing that they don’t back out. I have a deadline of November 28th, 2013, to pay the 30% inheritance tax otherwise they’ll charge me an additional 10%. I have to sell some furniture and ship my late mother’s belongings back here, which are so dear to me, especially the last painting she was working on. She must have about 100 or so paintings that I’m going to ship back. I will set up an art exhibition, as that’s what she always wanted, but I’ll keep my favorite paintings. She gave a few art exhibitions in Paris and sold a few of her paintings but that was years ago.

I have gone through so many hurtles with the estate to get to this point, let alone the grief of my mother. My family which are my two cousins and aunt have told me to get lost because I didn’t send them a copy of the Will. They lie, cheat and steal so they think everyone else has the same mind set. My attorney said it’s none of their business. As a result, my only family told me to they never want to hear from me again. I only love my 85 year old Aunt who was extremely close to my mother and would love to talk to her, but I have to go through my cousins, and that’s impossible. She has probably been brain-washed by her children and doesn’t know the real truth. I will send them a copy of the Will after I inherit my late mother’s estate so they can see that I was truthful and then maybe they’ll allow me to talk to their mother. My aunt helped my mother raise me.

I have lost my friends since my mother passed away, except for three friends in NYC (which is where I’m from) who keep in touch with me. An old friend from DC also checks in on me. As far as the friends here in Kansas, well they don’t ask how I am because they don’t want to know. Two of them still have both parents so they have no idea what I’m going through. People really show their true colors when one goes through such tragedy. Everyone grieves in different ways and I’m one of those who will grieve for a very long time, maybe forever even though I will heal in time.

Someone quoted in the discussion “Watching someone you love so much die helplessly, changes you in more ways that you can imagine.” It has changed my life forever and I know I’ll never be the same again. My outlook on life has changed tremendously and I see the world ways I never imagined. The smallest things mean so much to me.

Sorry I’m going on and on, but this is the only place people understand as they share the same pain and loss from the same disease.

I’ve been on interviews but no one is hiring me and I know it has a lot to do with my age (59 going on 60 next month). Maybe it’s not meant for me to work right now since I have to leave for France in September, but then again who knows. I do not want to celebrate my birthday (09/30) this year as that was the date that my late mother was rushed to the hospital. Thanksgiving was the date that I flew overseas to see my mother for the last time and bury her on November 29th. I was grateful that I was able to see her even though it was a shocking sight and was 5 days before she passed away, and I’m grateful that I was there to bury her. I’m sure she was grateful that I was there too. Before Christmas I was in Paris in her studio for the first time without her (a friend came with me to support me) and I was walking around like a zombie in shock. I had to get the Deed and all my mother’s documents in order to start the process with the estate. Since my cousins refused to give me her death certificate, I had to go through the U.S. Department of State to obtain it which took 5 months. I flew on Christmas day back from Paris and did not celebrate Christmas and instead received sympathy cards which was very nice. It was the first Christmas that I didn’t send any cards. So this will be the second Christmas without her so it may be a little better this year, but who knows.

New Year’s Eve was a big one for me too, as I always called her at midnight Paris time to wish her Happy New Year. I miss hearing her voice over the phone every morning and sometimes I’m in disbelief.

Thank you for listening and bless you all.

Desiree

I have been waiting for a call back to see a counselor.
I need some relief & I need the legal work to be
completed in France. I also need to sell my late mother’s
studio and put it all behind me before I can really
mourn my losses. I was told that by a Social Worker
in my Grief group. I don’t know how people get over
grief but my Doctor said it will take me at least two
years or more. Loosing my mother was the biggest
part of my life and my world.

I’ve been on anti-depressants carefully managed by my doctor, I’ve been attending a Grief counseling group, I’ve been looking for a job, I’ve been biking in the trails and I’m still feel devastated. I miss and love my mother so much and wish I could talk to her and hear her soft loving, caring voice.

Then we had to put our 18 year old beautiful Siamese down two days ago and all this grief came back and hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Another death! I love animals more than anything and this was a big blow to me. How can I stop feeling pain and crying? I don’t know how much longer I can go on suffering. There was a point where I was feeling a little better but now I feel that I’ve gone backwards.

I’m still waiting to inherit her estate in France and it’s coming along slowly but surely, but I need it to be finalized before I can access my late mother’s account in Paris and go to Paris to put her studio up for sale. I must sell and clean out the studio before the end of November or else the French government will not only charge me a 30% inheritance tax but will also charge me a penalty of 10%.

I wish I could borrow some money from someone who had money in order to get by while waiting for the inheritance to be finalized which should be in the next month or so. My friends are not in a financial situation to assist me and I’m running out of money and no one can help me. My mother was always there to help me emotionally and financially. I wish I could find a temporary job, which incidently, I have signed up with a temp employment agency but nothing has been available even when I call them every Monday for hope that there will be something for me. I have been applying and going on interviews but no luck.

I am mourning and hurting so badly and have never ever been so devastated in my life. I just want to join my mother and be in her arms and feel no pain but that won’t happen for a while.

I am just lost with words.

Desiree

Dear Dee,

I forgot to mention that the job that I had accepted a month ago or so, I could not tolerate because it was all about selling satellite radios, which is not what I expected, and I couldn’t focus on anything in training as I was on meds and also I was still mourning my mother.

I too believe in reincarnation and the “afterlife.”

I hope you are doing a little better. Thank you everyone for listening to me.

A big hug,

Desiree