Discussion Board Forums Grief Management My world has collapsed because I lost my mother 6 weeks ago today

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  • #68306
    orlysud
    Participant

    Dear Dee999,

    I’ve been thinking about you and know that you’re going through a devastating time of your life with the loss of your mother. I fell your pain and for me it will be 8 months next Thursday, July 11th, and it’s been the most difficult journey of my life. I thought it would get better, and it does but my grieving will never disappear, it will only become less painful. I knew my mother for 59 years and she was 83 1/2 when she passed. We kept telling each other “why did I or you get so sick.”. It’s so unfair. When she was all bloated 2 years ago with swollen ankles and I didn’t tell her to go the doctor because she would always get upset with me and tell me not to tell her what to do. I wish I had insisted, but it’s too late now. I tend to tell myself why I didn’t do this or that, but it just hurts me more and I have to let go of it because it’s over and in the past.

    I also have a locket that I wear all the time except when I’m biking because I sweat a lot and also, don’t want to lose it in the river trails. I love biking and it’s my release even though I cry on the trails and also talk to my mother. I have laid a small stone on the trails with a branch that splits standing next to it and I always stop and look at it and clean it. I wish I could visit her grave but it’s in Iran and there’s no way in hell that I can go there. I have not dreamed of my mother yet, and don’t understand why? Or maybe I have but don’t remember.

    I have pictures of my mother all over my office at home and her painting hanging on the walls all over the house. I miss her so much and still have her voice recorded on my phone when she was in the hospital. I can only listen to it once in a blue moon as it upsets me yet comforts me but tricks my mind as I think she’s till alive. I go through periods of disbelief.

    I cried so much the first three months that I ended up on anti-depressants and ant-anxiety medication under the careful supervision of my psychiatrist. I also just joined a Grief Counseling group finally, which has helped me very much but also rehashes my raw wounds. It took me 7 months to go to grief counseling group because I wasn’t ready before that time. One has to be ready. It has helped me as we can all relate to each other’s loss, but I still have those ocean waves of grief that comes out of nowhere and hit’s me and I start crying again.

    Every morning, I go outside in my backyard, and talk to my mother while looking at the “Dogwood” tree that I planted in her memory. She loved trees and this one is just beautiful as it’s a “Wolf Eye’s Dogwood” tree with light green leaves..google it. I also placed a bell on it with my mother’s name, “Mama”.

    My only family who stole all my mother’s valuables have refuse to talk to me for a long time as they weren’t on the Will and want me to pay them back my mother’s medical bills after telling me that they would take care of it. They are so wealthy. So lately they disconnected their phone lines and email addresses so I don’t know where they are. Last message I had was that my cousin was moving to Paris…how come they didn’t move before when my mother was all alone? They’re independently wealthy as oppose to me, so I couldn’t live in Paris as I would not be allowed to work as an American citizen and support myself and couldn’t live off my mother as she collected American social security. My cousins also lie so much that I don’t know what’s true. I only wanted to be in touch with my aunt who’s now 85 years old and they’re preventing me from being in touch with her. What evil beings they are! So, now I also lost my family at the same time because of their greed. I don’t have a family but thank God I have a partner who supports me emotionally.

    I’m still waiting for the Genealogist to complete their search to find out if my mother had any other children, according to the ridiculous French Law. They have not been able to track down my mother’s first husband and at the same time have not found any other children plus no one has come forward. I need to inherit my mother’s estate as I need to access her bank account, which has just a little money for me to go to Paris and put her studio on the market to sell. In the meantime, I’m in limbo and have to wait for the Notaire (equivalent to an attorney) to send me the final paper work to sign. The French take their dear time and are always on vacation. I owe so much money as I’ve not been able to find a job and my unemployment benefits ran out last May. So, I’m praying that I inherit the studio asap, sell it, pay all my debts back including 30% inheritance tax, so that I can sit back and really grieve the loss of my mother. This inheritance situation has been hanging over my head and I feel like Atlas. Once everything has been completed, I want to have my mother’s remains sent back here.

    So, all I can do is get through one day at a time even though I cry every day and tell my mother how much I miss her and love her. She was my “World” and cared & loved me so much like I did for her. She’s my Angel. Dee, what gives me hope is that I know that once I die, she will be waiting for me with open arms and we can then spend the rest of our “afterlife” together. I know her spirit is in my heart like your mother’s is and they’re watching over us and loving us. That will never go away.

    Sorry about this long message but we’re on this web site, thank God, to express our emotions with others who can identify with us.

    How are you doing Dee??? Please let us know.

    A big hug to you.

    Desiree

    #68305
    dee999
    Participant

    Dear Desiree, Lainy, Darla,

    I am sorry I haven’t written in a while. It gets harder everyday. The numbness keeps increasing. I don’t feel happiness, I don’t feel beauty. There is just a siniking feeling of loss and pain. My eyes are filled with tears almost always but I try to pretend to be ok and my “good old self” when I am around other people. But it sometimes, its hard to pretend. I hide at my desk and work and cry. Sometimes, I hide in the ladies room and cry. Somedays, it feels ok and then all of a sudden it hits me. I pick up my phone, call my Mom hoping I will hear her voice and when I don’t, my world falls apart all over again. You know when you have a nightmare and then you wake up realizing, thank God that was just a dream. It just feels like I can’t wake up anymore. I live my worst nightmare every single minute of my life. Sometimes, I don’t want to go on. I swear I wish it would all end. I used to love my life. Now I can’t tolerate it.
    I know Mom would want me to go on but it feels pointless without her. I owe everything I have today to her. But she was all I ever wanted. I still have my Dad, my husband and my Brother, but no one is Mom. I don’t share too much with them, men have a different way of dealing with grief and it ends up upsetting me even more. Like you, I have pictures of my Momall over my apartment and wear a locket with her picture inside of it. Maybe she is watching over me, but I so wish I could just hear her voice one more time. Know that she is ok. Not alone, not in pain anymore.

    Thank you as always for listening.

    #68304
    orlysud
    Participant

    Dear Dee,

    I am so very sorry about losing your mother. I know how that feels and I feel for you. We are all here for you and you can write your feelings as often as you desire. That’s what was said in this Forum and Thank God, as this Forum was also a relief for me. The people in here are wonderful, understanding and supportive.

    The first 6 months I was out of work and all I did was focus on my mother’s last few days of life and cried. I still have “flash backs of the last days I was with her.” I wish I had been next to my Mama when she took her last breath but I guess it was not meant to be. Although my mother expressed the day before she passed away, “to take me home if I loved her” there was no way to move her from ICU as she was also bleeding from the stomach. I felt guilty and hope that she believes that I would if I could and that she was my World and I loved her and still love her more than anyone in the world. I will join her when my time is up on earth, and I’m sure you will too.

    My 2 cousins and 85 years old aunt disowned me as I faced them with the truth afterwards telling them to return my mother’s belongings that they stole including her passport. They wanted a copy of my mother’s Will which they will never see. Yes I must admit they took such good care of her for 2 months while she was in and out of the hospital (mostly in the hospital) but besides that my mother did so much for them when she had money as they lived with us rent-free and free food for many years when I was very young. Now I’m their enemy and they refuse to speak with me. That was the only family I had so now I have no one except for a handful of friends. I miss talking to my 85 year old Aunt as she was like a second mother although I do not trust her.

    My dear Mama went from riches to living on Social Security in France, alone (which was her choice) but in a beautiful studio in Paris. I could see the depression in her eyes over the years as she knew she was getting older and couldn’t do the things that she use to . When I asked her if she was depressed 4 years ago (I’ll never forget her response) she told me “never to ask her that question again.” I was so sad. She had such beautiful green cat eyes and I could see the depression. It really hurts me to write about all this and it’s bringing tears to my eyes. I miss her so much and miss how much she loved me and cared for me. I do not have a family any more and I’m 59 years old, never married and do not have children.

    The key is to go on by putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it is, and to keep busy. Ever since I forced myself out the door and went to our Mental Clinic and obtained some medication and anti-depressants, I started to feel a little better. Then when I forced myself to go to an interview, got the job and started working (still in training) it helped me a lot. I still think of my mother all the time and talk to her and her spirit is always with me and I know she’s always watching over me, and I’m sure the same is for you dear Dee. We both know that we will hurt for a long time, but it will get better, one day at a time, and at our own time.

    Bless you and again I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother, but both of our mother’s are free and in a better place pain-free. My mother always said, it was about the quality of life and she didn’t want to live like that forever.

    Desiree

    #68303
    marions
    Moderator

    You have come a long way, dear Orlysud, from utter despair to managing life again. You have made your sweet Mom so proud of you. And, yes, you have helped many others by baring your soul and writing openly about it. It takes a strong person to do what you have been able to accomplish. Thank you.
    I wish for your heart to continue to heal – one day at a time.
    Hugs,
    Marion

    #68302
    orlysud
    Participant

    I just started a new job after being out of work for 9 months. It’s been difficult but has helped me keep my mind busy. I still have those moments of “disbelief” as my loveable mother went so fast (8 weeks). My Mama was the most beautiful mother I’ve ever had and was also my best friend, the only person that I trusted, intelligent, and the kindest soul. I miss her voice on the phone every morning calling me from Paris and I answering the phone saying ” hi Mama,” and she would say “hi Desiree, how are you my darling?” I just started crying again. I miss how much my mother cared and loved me, and the look of love in her beautiful eyes that she had when looking at me. I have a picture of her studio in France where she set a few pillows in a comfortable position on the couch where she sat. When I look at the picture, I feel like she’s still alive…crying again. I still felt like dying and being buried with my mother at the same time as she passed. I mean it! We both didn’t expert her to pass. This is the most powerful devastation in my life that I’ve experienced because my mother was my world and raised me alone (without my dad) since I was 4 years old and now I’m 59.

    I believe that her spirit lives in my heart and that she’s watching over me all the time. I talk to her and have her large framed pictures in front of my lap top on the wall and I can see her looking at me with that same look of love in her eyes. I believe in the “Afterlife” and I know that she’s waiting for me. When I speak to her, I tell her that “when my life is over, I will join her and be with her forever.” I love her more than anyone in the world and had I known that she was sick (Bile Duct cancer is a silent killer) I would have moved to Paris and lived with her as she was all alone, which is what she chose.

    When I bike on the trails, I speak with her and feel her. It’s now been 6 months and 2 days since my dear Mama passed away. I cannot even visit her grave as it’s in the Middle East where it’s dangerous for American citizens to go to. I cannot have her remains transferred per the U.S. Department of State as it’s too late in the process and against their law. But I have to believe that her soul is not there and her spirit is with me.

    I’m going through a difficult time with the French Inheritance law as it’s complicated. In order for me to inherit my late mother’s studio, besides the Will, the Notaire (equivalent to an attorney in the U.S.) has to hire a genealogist to search and prove that my late mother had no other children, can you believe that??? That’s a ridiculous law that dates back to Napoleon’s time. And the Notaire is a total jerk because she doesn’t like Americans I believe unless she’s just one miserable individual, and lazy. I have to inherit this studio and sell it before the end of November or else not only will the French Government take a 30% Inheritance Tax, but they will charge a penalty on top of it. It doesn’t matter how much your property costs. The French are very greedy, sorry but when it comes to the law, that’s what I’ve seen. They’re also charging me $3K for a genealogist which in the U.S. we would go according to the “Will.” Very different from our laws.

    I must commend the U.S. Department of State for finally obtaining my late mother’s death certificate which took 5 months, but at least they helped me and my contact was just an awesome individual. I will send her a thank you note and a small gift.

    Anyway, here I am, healing very very slowly, one day at a time, with the help of some anti-depressants but at last I don’t feel like I’m going to die. Being busy at work and exercise has also helped me. Keep busy!!

    I hope this last paragraph can help others who just recently lost a loved one. You will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it’s not believable as I thought, but it will time and it will be “your” time. The “pain” though will always exist for the rest of my life!

    #68269
    lainy
    Participant

    Dear Desiree, Good to see your Post and I feel you are starting to do better. Look at you, mountain biking, new job…everything will come around in due time and know what? It makes Mom very happy! It is hard and sometimes takes more than a year to find your new normal. There are times I will be just watching TV or driving in the car and all of a sudden this wave of sadness crosses over me and after just a tear or 2, I am ok. What kind of people would we be if we didn’t feel bad now and then BUT I know if they loved us so much they would want us to be happy and if we loved them back as much we would prove our love by being happy. Six months is not all that long and I am glad to say I see a little relief in your post and I am elated for that. I do think the new job will help a lot. Congratulations on that and keep us posted on how you are doing.

    #68270
    orlysud
    Participant

    Dear Dee

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. I wish I had been holding my mother’s hand when she took her last breath but I was in a cab on the way to the hospital when she passed. My heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces and I felt all alone, and still do. I lost contact with my only family which were my 2 cousins and my 85 year old Aunt only because of money. They wanted to be on the Will. They already stole my mother’s belongings and currently treat me like I am “nothing” and refuse to provide me with my mother’s death certificate as she passed overseas. I had to go through the U.S. State Department who finally after 5 months were able to obtain the original death certificate o that I may start the legal ball rolling in France which is so difficult and complicated. I wish I didn’t have to sell my mother’s studio in Paris but I can’t work there as a U.S. citizen. My cousins have so much money and didn’t help me at all even though my mother allowed them to live with us for years while they were growing up, rent free and free food and this is how they’re treating me now with total disrespect. I feel like they were always jealous of me for no reason. When my mother was alive they were just ok with me but as soon as she passed away, they became monsters, no joke! My mother always asked me not to talk to them as she knew how they were. Both of them need psychological help with their past behavior dating back to childhood, but they think they’re perfectly normal.

    I have my terrible days and my okay days but I miss my mother’s voice, her caring and loving for me and her presence in this world. I cry a lot. I also like you had wished to take her place and die instead or die with her and be buried at the same time, but that’s not how life works. I feel like it’s unfair that my mother passed before my aunt who is one year older and in fair health and refuses to talk to me because she believes her children more than me, who lie all the time. Well, they took care of her while she was sick, so I will give them that much credit but they’re refusing to give me her passport. Karma!

    I am a mountain bike rider and ride through the trails talking to my mother and had some good days and other days I ask (which she also asked in front of me when she was alive) “why did I get so sick?” Now she’s pain-free and in harmony and all I look forward to is to join her in Heaven and be with her forever in the afterlife.

    Anyway, Dee, it will take time and everyone has their own time and own way of grieving. I know that even though it’s been 6 months and 2days that my dear mother passed away, I’m still hurting as she was the love of my life. I miss her so much and I know that spiritually she’s with me and watching over me just like your mother is right now. She wants me to go on with my life and it’s just taking time to accept it.

    I finally got a job the week before my unemployment benefits ran out and hopefully that will help me stop thinking 24/7 about my mother but I will have a framed photo of her on my desk and also I have a locket which I will put her pictures in and wear it around my neck all the time.

    I know what you’re feeling and this disease was and still is a monster. Take care, yourself please and trust me it’s the first year that’s the worst, and stay on this board with us for support, and please let us know how you’re feeling and feel free to express yourself here. Please give us updates.

    A big long hug,

    Desiree

    Desiree

    #68301
    darla
    Participant

    Hi Dee,

    I too have had similar experiences and totally agree that our loved ones are still close by. We just have to be open to it and believe. :) Many of my experiences have no other explaination than that it is Jim letting me know he is still near me and watching out for me. It gives me comfort. I talk to Jim all the time, so keep talking to your mom, I know she is listening.

    Keeping a log of everything is also good. When you are feeling down you can go back and reinforce that bond.

    Take care Dee and know that you have a lot of understanding friends right here. :)

    Love & Hugs,
    Darla

    #68300
    lainy
    Participant

    Dee you are way to kind. Do you have any plans for Sunday? My daughter and the 2 younger boys are coming for dinner. I just got 2 dz roses from Teddy’s son and his daughter sent me a very unique gift box of Tea items and cookies. I look around me and am so blessed by my kids and his kids (kids that are in their 50’s).
    I know Gavin will want to know what I am making. My daughter requested Chicken Paprikash a Hungarian chicken stew, real comfort food.
    Dee, a little secret. In the last 2 years I have made all new close friends. I am not one to need 100 friends 3 will do. They say if you can count your friends on one hand you are a millionaire. That’s an old one. Take care and remember all the firsts are hard. But I promise down the road you will be fine and that is just what your Mom would want!

    #68299
    dee999
    Participant

    Lainy, I have always wanted to tell you that you are a very special person. We have never met and yet each time that I have read what you write, since the very first time I joined this board, it brings me tremendous comfort. A disaster like this could leave one very lonely, and even little things matter. I, too like you believe in an after-life and even reincarnation. I could be crazy but I want to. I don’t want to feel like having lost Mom forever. Mother’s day is going to be very difficult because just a month before, I was holding my beloved Mom’s hand as she was slowly passing over. It hurts like hell and I cry more times than I can count, but I am extremely grateful to you all for your warmth and kindness. Friends I know have not even been remotely courteous enough and I really don’t care. I took up your suggestion and have started logging as well. Hopefully, I will get to see and talk to my love, my Mamma everyday.

    Lots of love,
    Dee

    #68298
    lainy
    Participant

    Dee, oh boy, oh boy, I do not believe those are dreams and that your Mom is paying a visit especially as she talks to you. When our loved ones come around not long after Passing they are telling us that they are healthy and happy. And please don’t forget to thank her for coming. For all of you who have recently lost a loved one, you may think I am nuts, but the thing that has really got me through is keeping that log. In fact I just sent it to Kris and she did NOT call off our visit at the Lake the end of May! All you have to do is log the date and the event. I am up to #81 in Teddy Winks. When I feel sad I just sit and read it in the computer and I feel oh, so good as I know Teddy has really never left me. Like yesterday morning, I awoke with our main song running through my head. I could not get it to turn off! Oh, it just dawned on me Sunday is Mother’s day. He will be here, I know. Anyway it is cathartic to make the log and then it is comforting when you see how often you are visited. Just be alert to what is going on around you, it will become second nature. Dee you are doing good yet as it has not been that long. Sending you love and hugs. {}{}{}{}{}

    #68297
    dee999
    Participant

    Dear Lainy and Darla,

    Thank you all again for your kindness and support. Sorry I haven’t been able to write in a while. I am still trying to come to terms with what has happened. I see my Mom in my dreams almost everyday and sometimes she even speaks to me. I talk to her everyday like she used to, maybe she can hear me. It is very difficult, seems impossible many a times. I am trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks you all as always for listening.

    Love,
    Dee

    #68296
    darla
    Participant

    Hi Dee,

    I have had a lot of the same experiences with people since Jim passed. I guess if they haven’t been through what we have, there is no way others can truely understand how we feel and what we are going through. Like Lainy I have decided that I can’t dwell on what or why with people and need to just be with those who have been there for me and truely do care and understand.

    I also was fortunate that about a year after Jim died a woman came in the shop. Her & her husband were customers who I hadn’t seen in a while. She mentioned bringing something in for Jim to look at and with tears in my eyes I explained he had passed away over a year ago. She burst into tears and explained that her husband had also passed away 3 months after Jim. Later that day she called me and asked if I would mind if she called or emailed me from time to time and of course I said certainly.

    Long story short, we have so much in common and have been close friends ever since. We laugh, we cry, have had a lot of good times together and we get each other through the bad times. We keep in close contact through emails and get together when we can. Unfortunately not everyone is lucky enough to have a friend they can talk to who truely understands. My wish for everyone here is to be able to have someone in their lives that they can talk to and give & get support from.

    This board and all the people on it are the next best thing. I don’t know what I would have done had I not found this board and all the wonderful people on it. Keep coming back and vent all you want we all have been there and we all understand and truely do care.

    Love & Hugs,
    Darla

    #68295
    lainy
    Participant

    Dee, no need to apologize on this Board, ever! After over 2 years of loosing my Teddy I still cannot comprehend why God chooses who he does. If you read through posts here you have to ask why that one? We used to have a Site for pictures and I was speechless to see an 11 year old little girl. It just blew me away. Maybe it is like I always say, he takes the best and the strongest he needs them most.
    Dee, I honestly don’t think you have had enough time to grieve let alone process everything. It takes more time and like Marion says the stronger the love the harder the grief. I also know that unfortunately you do lose friends, they can’t understand if they have never lost a loved one. I lost all our friends we had as couples but one and they just moved back to Minnesota. I have made a few new girlfriends and its good. I just had the weirdest comment made to me. A man also named Teddy grew up with my Teddy from the time they were tiny. I asked his wife who comes to PHX in the winter for a few months, why her Teddy never wants to see me nor do I hear from couples in Milwaukee who “loved” my Teddy. I always said even his enemies loved him! This gal answered me ,”I think they feel funny going out with Teddy’s wife and some of them miss him so much its hard to be with you!” OMG really? I don’t care anymore, I have my little family and BTW his too! I mean who really lost Teddy. Duh! Dee, I am glad you went to work and I am glad you let it out to us. Since we don’t really have any answers please don’t dwell on the questions. Like I said it has certinly not been long at all and I swear to you, as time passes your wonderful memories WILL take over the bad ones. You need time. When you are ready new friends will be very helpful. I send you my love and feel free to post anything anytime, it is very cathartic. Feel free to email me as well.

    #68294
    dee999
    Participant

    Dear Lainy/Clare/Gavin,

    Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I am back at work now. I still have trouble sleeping, wake up crying almost everyday. I can’t talk to people anymore. Suddenly, the whole world seems happier. I am trying to stay put, but life as a routine seems very pointless.

    My mom kept asking me in the hospital ” WHY?” – Why was this happening to us. I kept telling her not think about questions we don’t have answers to. She would just close her eyes and pray. I have seen her call out to God when she was in pain. I saw the strongest person in my life crumble. People like us not only had to watch the people we love the most die, we had to watch them suffer, for whatever time period it might have been.

    I am an engineer. I am wired to analyze, to reason. My mom was the healthiest and the strongest person I knew. She never smoked, drank alcohol, she did not eat junk food or spicy or oily food. She exercised everyday and had a better lifestyle than I do. She was only 56. Her doctors told me that they were surprised to see her reports. I understand that maybe this dreadful disease might not completely dependent on our lifestyle, then if it is our immune system then what else affects it. You won’t know you have a cold till you sneeze. And a disease as life threatening as this, does not show any vital symptoms till at the very end. We claim that science and technology have made a lot of progress today. We can build a spaceship to moon and yet we don’t understand how the human body really works. Countless people, innocent people die of billions of types of cancers every day and yet there is no great awareness on cancer prevention. I don’t understand what’s worse, the disease or its treatment. What else are you supposed to do when you play by all the rules – run to the doctor each time your stomach hurts ? I keep replaying all the years I can remember – I can’t find a reason WHY. I have a million theories but they all seem like a fancy hypotheses. People tell me, its over, there isn’t any point, let it go. I lost the person I loved the most. I watched her suffer, I had to pray for her death, I had to watch her die helplessly. I am sorry – I can’t let it go.

    She played by the rules, she is a good person, a great soul. My life would have been very different if this happened a few years ago. She gave me my life – she made me. I haven’t been able to pray in a while. I don’t think I ever will be able to. Pain of this magnitude, changes you. I am angry and I think I have a right to be. Yes, faith would tell you to be grateful for what you have, I am and I have always thanked God, my mom taught me not to pray with an agenda. She taught me to pray with my heart and soul, not because of fear. It could be worse, there are many in the world who have gone through worse. I understand that. But there are also those who are happier. People who don’t take care of themselves and yet live happy, content lives, who don’t have to suffer and yet die a peaceful death. Then why were we chosen – was my faith all these years pointless? Maybe God was kind to my mom, to have taken her so quickly, but were we people bad enough to not even get a second chance?

    I am sorry, I know I am rambling. I know we all have these questions at some point and we are forced to live with that burden. This is the only place where I write to vent my heart out. So called friends or relatives, don’t even want to ask more. Maybe they are afraid of upsetting me or themselves, doesn’t matter. I really don’t care. I lost my best friend, my only true friend. I have to learn to live with this black hole. I am trying to swallow and move on with what people call “my life”, but just writing here and knowing that people reading this “actually” get it, gives me a great sense of comfort and I am very grateful to all of you for listening. I apologize again for all the rambling.

    Bless you all,
    Dee

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