My world has collapsed because I lost my mother 6 weeks ago today

Dear Dee999,

I’ve been thinking about you and know that you’re going through a devastating time of your life with the loss of your mother. I fell your pain and for me it will be 8 months next Thursday, July 11th, and it’s been the most difficult journey of my life. I thought it would get better, and it does but my grieving will never disappear, it will only become less painful. I knew my mother for 59 years and she was 83 1/2 when she passed. We kept telling each other “why did I or you get so sick.”. It’s so unfair. When she was all bloated 2 years ago with swollen ankles and I didn’t tell her to go the doctor because she would always get upset with me and tell me not to tell her what to do. I wish I had insisted, but it’s too late now. I tend to tell myself why I didn’t do this or that, but it just hurts me more and I have to let go of it because it’s over and in the past.

I also have a locket that I wear all the time except when I’m biking because I sweat a lot and also, don’t want to lose it in the river trails. I love biking and it’s my release even though I cry on the trails and also talk to my mother. I have laid a small stone on the trails with a branch that splits standing next to it and I always stop and look at it and clean it. I wish I could visit her grave but it’s in Iran and there’s no way in hell that I can go there. I have not dreamed of my mother yet, and don’t understand why? Or maybe I have but don’t remember.

I have pictures of my mother all over my office at home and her painting hanging on the walls all over the house. I miss her so much and still have her voice recorded on my phone when she was in the hospital. I can only listen to it once in a blue moon as it upsets me yet comforts me but tricks my mind as I think she’s till alive. I go through periods of disbelief.

I cried so much the first three months that I ended up on anti-depressants and ant-anxiety medication under the careful supervision of my psychiatrist. I also just joined a Grief Counseling group finally, which has helped me very much but also rehashes my raw wounds. It took me 7 months to go to grief counseling group because I wasn’t ready before that time. One has to be ready. It has helped me as we can all relate to each other’s loss, but I still have those ocean waves of grief that comes out of nowhere and hit’s me and I start crying again.

Every morning, I go outside in my backyard, and talk to my mother while looking at the “Dogwood” tree that I planted in her memory. She loved trees and this one is just beautiful as it’s a “Wolf Eye’s Dogwood” tree with light green leaves..google it. I also placed a bell on it with my mother’s name, “Mama”.

My only family who stole all my mother’s valuables have refuse to talk to me for a long time as they weren’t on the Will and want me to pay them back my mother’s medical bills after telling me that they would take care of it. They are so wealthy. So lately they disconnected their phone lines and email addresses so I don’t know where they are. Last message I had was that my cousin was moving to Paris…how come they didn’t move before when my mother was all alone? They’re independently wealthy as oppose to me, so I couldn’t live in Paris as I would not be allowed to work as an American citizen and support myself and couldn’t live off my mother as she collected American social security. My cousins also lie so much that I don’t know what’s true. I only wanted to be in touch with my aunt who’s now 85 years old and they’re preventing me from being in touch with her. What evil beings they are! So, now I also lost my family at the same time because of their greed. I don’t have a family but thank God I have a partner who supports me emotionally.

I’m still waiting for the Genealogist to complete their search to find out if my mother had any other children, according to the ridiculous French Law. They have not been able to track down my mother’s first husband and at the same time have not found any other children plus no one has come forward. I need to inherit my mother’s estate as I need to access her bank account, which has just a little money for me to go to Paris and put her studio on the market to sell. In the meantime, I’m in limbo and have to wait for the Notaire (equivalent to an attorney) to send me the final paper work to sign. The French take their dear time and are always on vacation. I owe so much money as I’ve not been able to find a job and my unemployment benefits ran out last May. So, I’m praying that I inherit the studio asap, sell it, pay all my debts back including 30% inheritance tax, so that I can sit back and really grieve the loss of my mother. This inheritance situation has been hanging over my head and I feel like Atlas. Once everything has been completed, I want to have my mother’s remains sent back here.

So, all I can do is get through one day at a time even though I cry every day and tell my mother how much I miss her and love her. She was my “World” and cared & loved me so much like I did for her. She’s my Angel. Dee, what gives me hope is that I know that once I die, she will be waiting for me with open arms and we can then spend the rest of our “afterlife” together. I know her spirit is in my heart like your mother’s is and they’re watching over us and loving us. That will never go away.

Sorry about this long message but we’re on this web site, thank God, to express our emotions with others who can identify with us.

How are you doing Dee??? Please let us know.

A big hug to you.

Desiree

Dear Dee,

I am so very sorry about losing your mother. I know how that feels and I feel for you. We are all here for you and you can write your feelings as often as you desire. That’s what was said in this Forum and Thank God, as this Forum was also a relief for me. The people in here are wonderful, understanding and supportive.

The first 6 months I was out of work and all I did was focus on my mother’s last few days of life and cried. I still have “flash backs of the last days I was with her.” I wish I had been next to my Mama when she took her last breath but I guess it was not meant to be. Although my mother expressed the day before she passed away, “to take me home if I loved her” there was no way to move her from ICU as she was also bleeding from the stomach. I felt guilty and hope that she believes that I would if I could and that she was my World and I loved her and still love her more than anyone in the world. I will join her when my time is up on earth, and I’m sure you will too.

My 2 cousins and 85 years old aunt disowned me as I faced them with the truth afterwards telling them to return my mother’s belongings that they stole including her passport. They wanted a copy of my mother’s Will which they will never see. Yes I must admit they took such good care of her for 2 months while she was in and out of the hospital (mostly in the hospital) but besides that my mother did so much for them when she had money as they lived with us rent-free and free food for many years when I was very young. Now I’m their enemy and they refuse to speak with me. That was the only family I had so now I have no one except for a handful of friends. I miss talking to my 85 year old Aunt as she was like a second mother although I do not trust her.

My dear Mama went from riches to living on Social Security in France, alone (which was her choice) but in a beautiful studio in Paris. I could see the depression in her eyes over the years as she knew she was getting older and couldn’t do the things that she use to . When I asked her if she was depressed 4 years ago (I’ll never forget her response) she told me “never to ask her that question again.” I was so sad. She had such beautiful green cat eyes and I could see the depression. It really hurts me to write about all this and it’s bringing tears to my eyes. I miss her so much and miss how much she loved me and cared for me. I do not have a family any more and I’m 59 years old, never married and do not have children.

The key is to go on by putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it is, and to keep busy. Ever since I forced myself out the door and went to our Mental Clinic and obtained some medication and anti-depressants, I started to feel a little better. Then when I forced myself to go to an interview, got the job and started working (still in training) it helped me a lot. I still think of my mother all the time and talk to her and her spirit is always with me and I know she’s always watching over me, and I’m sure the same is for you dear Dee. We both know that we will hurt for a long time, but it will get better, one day at a time, and at our own time.

Bless you and again I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother, but both of our mother’s are free and in a better place pain-free. My mother always said, it was about the quality of life and she didn’t want to live like that forever.

Desiree

I just started a new job after being out of work for 9 months. It’s been difficult but has helped me keep my mind busy. I still have those moments of “disbelief” as my loveable mother went so fast (8 weeks). My Mama was the most beautiful mother I’ve ever had and was also my best friend, the only person that I trusted, intelligent, and the kindest soul. I miss her voice on the phone every morning calling me from Paris and I answering the phone saying ” hi Mama,” and she would say “hi Desiree, how are you my darling?” I just started crying again. I miss how much my mother cared and loved me, and the look of love in her beautiful eyes that she had when looking at me. I have a picture of her studio in France where she set a few pillows in a comfortable position on the couch where she sat. When I look at the picture, I feel like she’s still alive…crying again. I still felt like dying and being buried with my mother at the same time as she passed. I mean it! We both didn’t expert her to pass. This is the most powerful devastation in my life that I’ve experienced because my mother was my world and raised me alone (without my dad) since I was 4 years old and now I’m 59.

I believe that her spirit lives in my heart and that she’s watching over me all the time. I talk to her and have her large framed pictures in front of my lap top on the wall and I can see her looking at me with that same look of love in her eyes. I believe in the “Afterlife” and I know that she’s waiting for me. When I speak to her, I tell her that “when my life is over, I will join her and be with her forever.” I love her more than anyone in the world and had I known that she was sick (Bile Duct cancer is a silent killer) I would have moved to Paris and lived with her as she was all alone, which is what she chose.

When I bike on the trails, I speak with her and feel her. It’s now been 6 months and 2 days since my dear Mama passed away. I cannot even visit her grave as it’s in the Middle East where it’s dangerous for American citizens to go to. I cannot have her remains transferred per the U.S. Department of State as it’s too late in the process and against their law. But I have to believe that her soul is not there and her spirit is with me.

I’m going through a difficult time with the French Inheritance law as it’s complicated. In order for me to inherit my late mother’s studio, besides the Will, the Notaire (equivalent to an attorney in the U.S.) has to hire a genealogist to search and prove that my late mother had no other children, can you believe that??? That’s a ridiculous law that dates back to Napoleon’s time. And the Notaire is a total jerk because she doesn’t like Americans I believe unless she’s just one miserable individual, and lazy. I have to inherit this studio and sell it before the end of November or else not only will the French Government take a 30% Inheritance Tax, but they will charge a penalty on top of it. It doesn’t matter how much your property costs. The French are very greedy, sorry but when it comes to the law, that’s what I’ve seen. They’re also charging me $3K for a genealogist which in the U.S. we would go according to the “Will.” Very different from our laws.

I must commend the U.S. Department of State for finally obtaining my late mother’s death certificate which took 5 months, but at least they helped me and my contact was just an awesome individual. I will send her a thank you note and a small gift.

Anyway, here I am, healing very very slowly, one day at a time, with the help of some anti-depressants but at last I don’t feel like I’m going to die. Being busy at work and exercise has also helped me. Keep busy!!

I hope this last paragraph can help others who just recently lost a loved one. You will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it’s not believable as I thought, but it will time and it will be “your” time. The “pain” though will always exist for the rest of my life!

Dear Dee

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. I wish I had been holding my mother’s hand when she took her last breath but I was in a cab on the way to the hospital when she passed. My heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces and I felt all alone, and still do. I lost contact with my only family which were my 2 cousins and my 85 year old Aunt only because of money. They wanted to be on the Will. They already stole my mother’s belongings and currently treat me like I am “nothing” and refuse to provide me with my mother’s death certificate as she passed overseas. I had to go through the U.S. State Department who finally after 5 months were able to obtain the original death certificate o that I may start the legal ball rolling in France which is so difficult and complicated. I wish I didn’t have to sell my mother’s studio in Paris but I can’t work there as a U.S. citizen. My cousins have so much money and didn’t help me at all even though my mother allowed them to live with us for years while they were growing up, rent free and free food and this is how they’re treating me now with total disrespect. I feel like they were always jealous of me for no reason. When my mother was alive they were just ok with me but as soon as she passed away, they became monsters, no joke! My mother always asked me not to talk to them as she knew how they were. Both of them need psychological help with their past behavior dating back to childhood, but they think they’re perfectly normal.

I have my terrible days and my okay days but I miss my mother’s voice, her caring and loving for me and her presence in this world. I cry a lot. I also like you had wished to take her place and die instead or die with her and be buried at the same time, but that’s not how life works. I feel like it’s unfair that my mother passed before my aunt who is one year older and in fair health and refuses to talk to me because she believes her children more than me, who lie all the time. Well, they took care of her while she was sick, so I will give them that much credit but they’re refusing to give me her passport. Karma!

I am a mountain bike rider and ride through the trails talking to my mother and had some good days and other days I ask (which she also asked in front of me when she was alive) “why did I get so sick?” Now she’s pain-free and in harmony and all I look forward to is to join her in Heaven and be with her forever in the afterlife.

Anyway, Dee, it will take time and everyone has their own time and own way of grieving. I know that even though it’s been 6 months and 2days that my dear mother passed away, I’m still hurting as she was the love of my life. I miss her so much and I know that spiritually she’s with me and watching over me just like your mother is right now. She wants me to go on with my life and it’s just taking time to accept it.

I finally got a job the week before my unemployment benefits ran out and hopefully that will help me stop thinking 24/7 about my mother but I will have a framed photo of her on my desk and also I have a locket which I will put her pictures in and wear it around my neck all the time.

I know what you’re feeling and this disease was and still is a monster. Take care, yourself please and trust me it’s the first year that’s the worst, and stay on this board with us for support, and please let us know how you’re feeling and feel free to express yourself here. Please give us updates.

A big long hug,

Desiree

Desiree