pain and mental fatigue

I have more and more pain these days. I think it has cometo the point that I am going to have to get some prescription painkillers. That is a real mental blow for me. I guess I feel like it is one step closer to death.

I am getting closer to acknowledging I am not going to beat this. That is a bummer too. It is hard to just live a normal life. I debate everything I buy. I am the cheapest person so I have a hard time justifying buying a new coat when I think that perhaps I have only one more winter so why not use my old coat.

I am getting obsessive about our summer house. I want everything just so so that when I am gone, Hans can see me there…in the colors, in the furniture, but especially in the yard. I keep planting things so that there will be always something in bloom, something beautiful and alive to remind him of me.

I am so angry. I am scared. How do you manage the pain? How much worse will the pain get? How much longer am I going to still be me before the pain and medications strip me of who I am?

I am coming up on 3 years since my first diagnosis. I know that I am lucky to still be here, still fighting, still managing a life. But how much longer? How do I avoid hurting Hans and my family any more than I have to? How do I do this right?

Sorry for the whine fest. I am just getting so tired these days and sleep is avoiding me (whether because of stress or pain, i dont know). Perhaps I am majorly pms’ing. The only thing I know is that despair has snuck up on me.

Kris