cherbourg
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Dear Orly,
I lost my Mom to this monster on April 3, 2009. During the last days I was handling everything like a champ. I even gave her eulogy at her funeral on Easter Sunday. I wrote all the thank you notes, helped my Daddy and sister make arrangements and comforted each and every one. I was on autopilot and boy was I good at what I did…..Then a few weeks go by, we cleaned out her closet and divided her jewelry between my sister and myself. About two and a half months after her death, I think I finally woke up to the fact that I had really lost my Mom….and the rest of the world had gone on it’s merry way. I was furious at everyone! Especially God. I didn’t lose my Grandmothers until 94 and 95 so I was planning on having my Mom for another 20 to 25 years and you can’t believe how lost, alone and furious I was for her being gone!
It was only my Southern upbringing and my fear of prision that kept me from doing bodily harm when my “best friend”…..(yeah right) told me that all of the grieving and tears wouldn”t bring my Mom back and I should “get over it”.
I won’t presume to tell you anything you haven’t heard. I can share it gets a little easier as time goes on but I can still be undone and reduced to tears walking by someone wearing her perfume.
Hang in there and come here often….we really do understand and will be here for you.
Hugs!
PamLynn,
You can purchase disposable bed pads from any medical supply company. I would suggest checking with a local drug store that carries medical equipment and they will be able to guide you.
If you have access to a baby monitor it would be helpful to set it up in the room so you can hear if he tries to get up or is restless.
Above all….and this is one of the hardest parts…..Please take care of the caregiver….YOU!
We are all here for you. You and your family are in my heart and prayers….
Hugs,
PamThis would be a great question for our Dr. Giles….(under patient support at the top of the page).
http://www.cholangiocarcinoma.org/ask.htm#question9 Here is a link for a question concerning a teenager.
I think grieving is the hardest job we ever do. No two people will grieve in the same way or time frame….
Hugs!
PamI do miss our Kris! I like to believe I touch her soul each time I wade in the ocean or see her beloved daffodils.
I think of you both often and hope that you are doing well Hans!…..(the only person on the planet I know as monkeybutt!)
Hugs and prayers for you always….
Pam
Alla,
Here is a post I wrote about “pennies from heaven” about a year and a half ago…..
“All of my life my Mom and Grandmothers told me about pennies from heaven. Every time we would find a penny Mom would say it was a message from heaven. We would speculate about which of our loved ones might have sent it.I’ve found numerous pennies since Mom died. I know it may be silly, but each seemed like an affirmation that she was looking out for me or just sending “an I love you” message.
On Saturday we were at my daughter’s house at Camp LeJeune (the Marine base in North Carolina.) My son-in-law is gone for 6 weeks for Movaje Desert Training at 29 Palms in California. We were hanging out with my daughter’s two bulldogs so she could attend a sorority alumni function in Greenville.
As you may remember when my Mom got sick, we moved my daughter’s wedding up so her grandmother would be there. They were extra close to each other since Liz is the only granddaughter out of 4 grandchildren (and was my Mom’s last chance of having a granddaughter).
As you’ve probably heard by now North Carolina was rocked by tornados on Saturday. As we were leaving Liz’s house to travel back to New Bern before the storms hit we were helping her put up the yard furniture and grill. She had already gotten her flashlights ready and put a blanket and pillow and dog leashes in the downstairs bathroom. Just as we got in the car I told my husband we needed to move some large flower pots on the front porch close to the side of the door. He moved the first pot and then was called by Liz. As I bent to move the second pot I found a penny. I picked it up and told Liz not to worry her grandmother would be looking our for her and the bullies.
That night an EF-3 tornado torn through the military housing complex of Terrawa Terrace. 12 homes are completely destroyed, another 40-60 are structurally unsafe and another 40-60 have mild to moderate damage. Only one serious injury, a 23 month old that is in critical condition.
It appears the tornado jumped across Liz’ house and there is only mild to moderate damage to her house and car. I was on the phone with her and it was a scary time. Houses in front and behind her had significant damage.
She and the bulldogs are staying with us until the power is restored. I thank God she was safe and knew what to do!
And the penny?…….is now with my daughter….who carries it with her everywhere….
Hugs!
PamAlla,
I played the “what if” game so many times after my Mom died….After all I’m in the medical field and my Pathologist and I diagnosed her. I wondered (still do at times) what did I miss?….What did I not see or follow up on?….
You’ve been on autopilot for several weeks now. The hard part will come later
I diagnosed my Mom in May 2008 and she died April 2009. After her death I was on autopilot for several months, busy with all the things a death brings. I gave her eulogy, wrote all of the thank you notes, cleaned out her closet, and when everything was pretty much done and grief really hit…I discovered the world had moved on and I most certainly HAD NOT! I really thought all of the anticipatory grief would have prepared me for the reality of losing Mom. I’m here to say….IT DOESN”T!!!
I missed calling her on my way home from work everyday. I missed telling her about my children’s accomplishments. I would have given anything to just hear her voice! I was appalled when my best friend told me to get over it and move on….grief would not bring her back or change things. (As a side note here, it was only my Southern upbringing and my fear of prison that kept me from killing her….) Most people did not want to talk about even the good times much less my loss!
I discovered I was mad at pretty much everyone….even God. My support came from some of the most unlikely sources…. This board was a godsend. I was able to rant, rave, ask questions and draw on the experiences of those who had traveled the road I was now embarked upon. I chose to be very kind to myself and gradually let go of those I felt were not supportive of me or my grief. Grieving is intense and personal. No two people will grieve in the same way or in the same timeline. I surrounded myself with people that truly cared and most of those had experienced the loss of a loved one. My husband was amazing. He had lost both of his parents and was so loving and supportive of me in my most crazy, insane moments. He and God pretty much took the brunt of my grieving. I’m pleased to say both loved me enough to put up with me!
I’ve found embracing my grief and being open and taking the time to grieve has been the best road for me. I can still be reduced to tears catching a whiff of my Mom’s perfume in a store but each day the good memories are becoming the ones I remember most AND first.
Our family has always been involved with church and charities. I spend a great deal of time outside of work being a volunteer with the USO and the Marine bases near my house. My son in love is a Marine so it’s personal as well. I view my volunteer work as a living tribute to my amazing Mom.
I smile now as I come across my “Pennies from Heaven” and keep all of them in a jar on my desk.
You’ll find your pathway and if you are kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve, you’ll be OK. I’ve learned lessons and believe I’m kinder and more compassionate. I think I value the small things more. Remember…..if you had not loved so much you wouldn’t be grieving so hard…. Personally the love was well worth the grief…..
We’re all here for you….take care!
Hugs,
PamAlla,
My loss was different…(My Mom) but I’ve learned that grief is very unpredictible. I thought all of the anticipatory grief would prepare me for my loss but it didn’t.
Grieving is the hardest job we ever tackle. No two people will grieve in the same way or time period. My Mom will be gone 4 years this coming April and I can still be reduced to tears by passing someone in a store wearing her perfume….
I can tell you that gradually as you experience and work through your grief eventually the good memories will supercede the bad ones.
We are always here for you….someone is ALWAYS UP! Please come and vent and share!
I’m sending hugs and prayers for healing and understanding….
Hugs!
PamAnne,
I lost my Mom to this monster April 3, 2009. So far the grief has not gone away but I find the good memories gradually replacing the bad ones.
I miss her so much and can still be reduced to tears in a store by passing someone wearing her perfume.
I buried my Mom with her favorite lipstick, a Cholangiocarcinoma bracelet and a seashell I picked up on the beach during a particularly bad day dealing with anticipatory grief. I had written her name in the sand and found I couldn’t walk away. As I stood there a wave kissed the beach, washing away her name and a small white shell was left there. I felt as if God had given me a sign and a message that he would be there when I needed him and that I would manage to get through the coming days.
I would give anything to hear her voice again and have her here to listen to my problems and worries and get her advice.
I firmly believe grieving is the hardest job we ever have. There is no timetable for grief and no two people will ever grieve in the same way. Be gentle with yourself and take your time. You are an amazing legacy your Mom leaves behind.
We are always here for you and will walk with you on the next part of this journey…
Sending hugs and prayers….
PamLisa Ann,
If you look up my posts I did (April 3, 2009) when Mom was dying you’ll see she was in no pain. She simply slipped from our arms into God’s.
We told her it was ok to go. I don’t have the words to express what I was feeling but it was a beautiful moment I was priviledged to witness.
I’m holding you tightly in my thoughts and prayers…..
Hugs…..know we are here for you…..
Pam
Hi Mommysgirl!
Here is a very good website we recommend at my hospital. It’s very reputable and user friendly.
You can read all about just about any test you can find!
Hang in there!
Hugs,
PamLisaAnn,
Everything you are feeling is normal. Of course you’re angry….this is your Dad! When my Mom was dying I was furious! At one point I was mad at everyone….especially God! I had a real crisis of faith but found God was big enough to handle my feelings and was never away from me.
I know how hard it is to be far away. I live 3 hours away from my parents. I am living proof that my car knew the way to Greensboro from New Bern, NC and could drive it by itself! I put over 65,000 miles on my car during the
the year my Mom was diagnosed with CC.Dealing with CC is a passage and a journey. You are dealing with so many losses right now. The impending loss of your Dad, the loss of a life that feels normal, the loss of being in charge of what you do and when you do it, the loss of being the “child” and not having to be in charge of your parents!! OF COURSE YOU’RE ANGRY AND TIRED!!!!! Of course you’re questioning every idea you’ve ever had!
You are also feeling the hardest part of this journey which is the anticipatory grief. I really thought it would prepare me for my Mom’s death but it didn’t.
I believe grieving in all of its forms is the hardest job we ever tackle. Please remember there are no timetables and no correct way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently.
Try and take care of yourself. The caregiver must come first so you can take care of everyone else. Give yourself permission to grieve, and to be tired and scared.
We are always here for you. Someone is ALWAYS UP LATE AT NIGHT HERE!!!
I’m sending hugs, and prayers for strength, acceptance and understanding.Lainy and I are big proponents of screaming in the car with the windows all rolled up…..*grin*. I thank God I never saw anyone I knew when practicing this but it does help! Try to get some rest and know you are doing all you can do. You are a remarkable legacy that your Dad will leave behind. I promise you will find that strength deep inside of you when you truly need it.
My heart is breaking for you. Losing a parent is so hard and Daddys and daughters have such a special relationship.
Hugs and prayers….
PamSo glad things are looking up. As I said, I’m in the medical field and none of this (other than it was a mistake), made any sense to me.
You should be proud of yourself for not backing down and demanding things are done correctly! In this day and age if you are a patient entering into the medical world you need a strong advocate.
I urge you to continue to be very proactive and when something doesn’t seem right to you, it probably isn’t!
Don’t forget to please take good care of you, the caregiver! We are always here for you!
I’m sending hugs and prayers!
Pam
Being in the medical field I would make a personal visit to the medical records department and get a copy of the scan. I would speak with the supervisor there regarding your concerns that a medical mistake MAY HAVE been made.
I would also request an appointment with the radiology department head. I would explain there was a name alert with two patients having the same name.
I would show the descrepancy between this scan and the previousl one. I know this is hard having to fight this disease as well as all of the other issues in medicine but I’m having a hard time with the doctor’s explanation and this is NOT TRACKING correctlly for me.
Hugs!
PamDearest Phil,
I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your dear Gerry. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please take care of yourself in the coming days. Grieving is the hardest job we ever do. There is no timeframe, no right or wrong way and no two people will grieve in the same way.
Gerry was so fortunate to have you as his personal warrior. You helped fight the battles and your love showed in every post.
Please accept my deepest sympathies and know we are all here for you as you begin the next part of this journey. I know Gerry was warmly welcomed by all of our loved ones that went before him.
Take care….I’m sending hugs and prayers….
Pam
