deb_
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CM,
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. Some days are just too hard. Nobody should have to endure this level of pain and grief. Yes, I found Sunday difficult too. The kids and I went to the grave to put down flowers and it was just heartbreaking to see my son and daughter there, in the rain, yearning for their Dad. It was also 5 months to the day since Diarmuid passes away.
Everywhere we looked there were reminders of Father’s Day. It makes it even harder.
The first few weeks after they pass away we are numb with shock. Then it becomes real and while the pain truly kicks in for us, our friends and families have gone back to their own lives and schedules. That twists the knife just a little bit more.
I’m thinking of you CM and if you ever want to chat send me an email here through the board or contact me on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/deborah.murphy.333?ref=tn_tnmn
xxxxxx
Janet,
I’m truly sorry for your loss.
It’s such early days for you. My husband died exactly 5 months ago today and I still consider it very early days. Just take each hour as it comes. Do not plan yet to “stand on your own two feet”. It’s too soon and that’s too scary. Take all the time you need and just do whatever you can – if that means barely getting out of bed some days, well so be it. The pain and grief are so raw now.
I love this advice that I recently read. I think of every day so if I’m having a day where I’m upset or a day where I feel like I should be doing more I remember this and I just go with the grief: “Let the grief take you where you need to go. Your grief is wiser than you.”
Love and peace to you Janet and thank you for sharing that beautiful story.
Deb xxx
Oh Julia, I am heartbroken for you. And yet I know too that a peaceful death is so vitally important and it sounds like Sue had just that. I hate this cancer so much I want to see it in its physical form and beat the crap out of it.
I just wanted to briefly comment Julia on what you said in an earlier post a few days ago about “Sue’s demons”. Rest assured Julia that the discomfort and restlessness that occurs shortly before a passing is very normal and it’s not so much distress or demons, it’s a transition from this world to the next. It’s possible that Sue wasn’t even consciously yearning to go home, she was merely transitioning from one state to another. A few days before Diarmuid passed away, he couldn’t get comfortable and was up and down and sighing and moving around. The doctor said to me “it’s not physical, it’s not emotional and it’s not even psychological”. She believed it was the first step in his soul’s journey to a better place. I only mention this so you won’t think that Sue was too distressed.
Love and hugs for you Julia. May Sue rest in peace.
“The dead are now in a place where there is no more shadow, darkness, loneliness, isolation, or pain. They are home.”
― John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic WisdomQuote:I am facing the likelihood of being a young widow and of loosing my soulmate. However, Oli, as much as he taught me the meaning of love, has also taught me the meaning of death, and I now know that despite no longer being a part of this earth in body and mind, his spirit will continue to forever guard over me and provide infinite love. This gives me comfort and joy and the will to keep going, no matter what happens.Lita, those are beautiful words. So moving.
My heart goes out to you and Oli and I wish you nothing but healing and peace and comfort in the coming weeks and months.
Deb xxx
Janet I’m so sorry. It’s a terrifying and deeply lonely situation you’re in. Please come back when you can. There is great support on this board regardless of what stage the patient or caregiver is at.
Deb xxx
arujain,
My sincere condolences on the loss of your father.
Please don’t be hard on yourself about not seeing him more. Firstly, this disease can take hold so fast and send someone spiralling into ill-health before you’ve had time to process anything. Secondly, guilt is a very common part of grief, especially when it comes to the loss of a parent. I lost my Dad 10 years ago and I was full of guilt for a long time. Same when my brother died a couple of years back. I don’t know why but you just feel guilty no matter what the circumstances of the death.
My husband passed away in January of CC. He was the same age as your dad – just 47. I have 2 sons and a daughter. They all miss their Dad dreadfully, just like you miss yours. It’s very difficult. I’m sorry.
As regards your question re: alcohol and cigarettes, my husband never drank alcohol his whole life and never smoked even one cigarette. Yes, alcohol abuse causes liver damage and disease but it’s got nothing at all to do with this particular disease, bile duct cancer. I do agree that it’s a tragic irony that someone who never drank would die from a liver-related disease but like I say, alcohol is not a contributing factor.
Look after yourself.
Deb x
I’m truly sorry for your loss. I agree, it’s a horrific disease. I’m glad your Dad lived his final days in the care of the hospice team. My husband died just under 4 months ago and I am full of anger about many aspects of his diagnosis and care (though he was only ill for one month) but I will be eternally grateful that he spent his last 6 days in the loving tender care of the hospice staff. They are, as you say, angels.
Deb x
Thanks Darla, Marion and Gavin.
Gavin, the cheesecake is out of this world and absolutely simple to make. You’d love it. My closest friend is married to a lovely man from Edinburgh so I’ve heard all about the deep friend Mars Bars. Apparently you can get deep friend cream eggs now too. Yikes!
Margaret,
That’s wonderful news. So far so good. I can imagine the fear going through your mind and heart when you hear you have a liver/gallbladder issue. Last week my son was in great pain in his upper right abdominal area combined with fever and nausea. He’s just turned 18. The doctor said ‘it could be something to do with his gallbladder’ and I must have visibly blanched. Last time I heard it ‘was something to do with his gallbladder’ was regarding my dear husband and he was dead within weeks. Turns out my son had a chest and kidney infection. But as Marion said, once this cancer touches us, it stays with us. I’m so glad the ultrasound showed nothing sinister. Best of luck with the bloods.
Deb xxx
I hope and pray that the infection clears Amy and that her strength picks up. It’s a very difficult time. Try to make the most of this time with her and although the temptation is to run around talking to doctors and nurses and doing various jobs for your Mom (and that’s important too of course), do try your utmost too to just talk to her and hold her and just be with her in case the infection doesn’t clear or she doesn’t pick up strength. This time now is precious.
Pain management is vital at this point so if she is in any pain or discomfort then that is unacceptable and staff must intervene. You might consider talking to a hospice team even just to discuss symptom management. They are so amazing at ensuring that patients are pain free and relaxed. It’s something to consider. I don’t want to scare you. I know the word ‘hospice’ is not an easy one to hear but it’s never too soon to contact them and they are so amazing at helping people with such serious illness.
I’m thinking of you Amy. Your Mom is blessed to have a daughter who cares as much as you.
Deb xxx
