deb_
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Lainy, thanks. It certainly is nice to think of him being with us in some manner. This ‘new normal’ takes some getting used to.
Thanks CM and Lalupes!
Hi Marion, thank you. Are Mars Bars available in the U.S.? They’re a very popular chocolate, nougat and caramel bar! But the cheesecake is just delicious. You make the cheesecake like any other one but you also add home made caramel and chocolate to it plus big chunks of Mars Bar. It’s scrumptious!!! Here’s a pic:
Thank you Darla,
Well today is a big milestone and a day of mixed emotions! My eldest child (er, adult now!), turned 18 today. 18 years since he came into the world and his Dad and I fell head over heels in love with him from the first moment we laid eyes on him. Diarmuid would have been so proud. I still can’t believe he wasn’t here to see his eldest child reach adulthood. Such a cruel loss.
But I am grateful that my son is healthy and he’s a good kid and is following in his father’s footsteps musically. He’s a very talented young man.
Thankfully he didn’t want to have a party or even a small gathering. At first I thought it was a shame but sometimes I think kids have more sense than parents because I am now so relieved I’m not trying to organise a big bash. I’m way too tired. I made him a Mars Bar cheesecake, his favourite. Well, mine too! I ate half of it. It’s nice, just the 4 of us here, together. Lonely but happy too.
xxx
CM,
What a wonderful idea to include photos of her Dad in arts and crafts. Down the line, when it’s not as raw, I will definitely do something like that but what most appeals to me is your idea of the “Daddy flowers”. Aisling, my daughter, is so interested in planting and gardening. And this year especially we are planning on doing lots of indoor planting as our hyperactive mischievous dog has turned the garden into a scrap yard! We will do some Daddy Flowers, how wonderful. xxxMissingWayne,
I can feel your pain and I am so very sorry that you too are going through this deepest of sorrows. My heart goes out to you. I honestly don’t think most people understand a fraction of what we’re going through, unless they’ve been there or they are extremely empathetic, as many on this board are. It is the deepest most cutting pain combined with anger and confusion.I admire you for embarking on and sticking with therapy and the hospice group. I need to do something similar. I never seem to be able to make that more, not yet anyway. I did speak to the hospice counsellor with the boys and she was terrific but I need to set up regular sessions with her or someone else. It’s hard to get anything done though. It’s like walking through sludge isn’t it?
We have quite a bit in common. I have suffered from depression for many years too so, of course, that in combination with this bereavement leaves me in a vulnerable state. On the other hand, I do think that we have perhaps an understanding of our innermost feelings and fears that maybe others don’t have. Maybe I’m wrong about that but I feel it. So at least we are in touch with our feelings, as painful as those feelings are.
Best of luck to you and hang in there.
Deb xxxThanks Nancy. I really appreciate your kind words and I am dearly sorry for your tragic loss too.
What a very kind thing your neighbour did, helping you out by clearing that snow. I find too that those I would have expected nothing from have rallied around and those I would have assumed would be there day and night have disappeared. It’s an odd phenomenon but one I’m slowly learning exists for many, if not most, bereaved people.
It’s wonderful that your daughter cares so much and it’s great that she can express her fears to you, rather than keeping it locked in.
Yes, I try to talk about him all the time and the boys are very receptive to this. He was such a witty person that there are a multitude of funny stories to talk about. My little girl is not yet ready to talk about him openly. We have to be gentle about it but I do hope that she will open up and talk freely soon. She’s no doubt trying to block out the pain and only able to let it in little by little.
Thanks again Nancy xxx
Pamela, yes exactly. It’s hard to know what to ask people as the mental focus isn’t really there these days so it’s so much nicer when people just do things instead of making vague promises or saying ‘call me’!! We’re getting by, bit by bit. It feels like we’re stuck in limbo a little bit but some days are okay.
Darla, thanks. Yes, it means so much to be around people who really understand and truly ‘get’ this limbo that we’re in. Some people mean well by trying to gently push us to move onwards or to get out more etc. but really, we need to do things when we’re ready, not when they decide we should be ready!
Gerry, thank you very much. I agree that professional counselling is most likely necessary. Today my sons and I met with the counsellor in Marymount Hospice where Diarmuid passed away. She was terrific – she listened and was wonderfully supportive and validated our feelings of anger and frustration. I’m not sure how often we can attend the hospice for counselling but I’ll take whatever’s available as I do gel well with her and she was there with us when Diarmuid was nearing the end and when he passed away. Down the line, I’ll look into more structured counselling too.
Pam thank you. I loved hearing about the nurse and the cheesecake. Those are the little acts of kindness that make all the difference.
My kids had a good day today. They’re off school now for the Easter break and life is so much easier without the school schedule. We’re still taking things day to day in general but making the most of the good days.
xxx
Les, my sincere condolences on the loss of your beautiful Sarah. My darling husband passed away 2 months ago just a few weeks after diagnosis. In fact, the monstrosity and aggressiveness of this disease is evident when you think that new members of this board have already lost or are losing their loved ones by the time they’ve written just a few posts here.
I wish you strength in the coming days, weeks and months. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself by caring, sincere friends.
My sincere condolences on the loss of a wonderful woman, your sister-in-law and, clearly, a great friend too.
I can’t imagine what an emotional wrench it must be for you to have this very same disease as your dear sister-in-law.
I have read many of your posts now (including your very kind post to me in my own thread) and I see that you are a very brave and kind person and a true asset to this wonderful discussion board.
Kerryn,
I’m very sorry for your tragic loss. This monstrous disease has broken my heart too.
I too hope to spread the word about this type of cancer as it certainly needs more awareness.
**Hugs**
Deb x
Lainy, thanks so much for the email. The kids are up and down. My 15 year old is just starting to grieve. He’s under awful pressure in school, partly because he missed 3 weeks or more when his dear Dad passed away and partly because he has state exams to sit in June and no matter how often I tell him that he’s doing great and he doesn’t have to study every minute and exams are not the be all and end all, he puts himself under awful pressure. I’ve had a chat to his Class Teacher and she’s going to tell all his teachers that they need to ease up on him. He just lost his Dad and some of the teachers have the nerve to tell him that they’re disappointed in his slipping grades. I’m horrified. Other teachers have been fantastic though, very loving and kind.
My 17 year old is also under pressure with study. He will have state exams next year so this year at least in theory he should be able to relax but he gets a lot of homework. His Class Teacher is wonderful and is going to sit down with him and I tomorrow and work out a realistic, gentle schedule. Their mental and emotional health is so much more important now than school work.
My little girl turned 8 two weeks ago. It was so sad not having her Daddy there but we had a nice day. She hasn’t mentioned her Dad is about 5 weeks or so now. She’s not facing it yet. She cried a lot for the first 2 weeks but is now trying to ‘forget’ it for the moment. I have no doubt that the pain will come again. She has been clung to me for the last couple of months and has been out of school more than in.
I’m blessed that they’re very good kids… kind and caring.
Thank you so much Pam. It is definitely reassuring to be able to come here and talk amongst people who understand.
CM, thank you. I am blown away by the extract you pasted. It’s exactly spot on! I was nodding my head the whole way through it. My sister in law keeps saying “call if you need anything”. I couldn’t figure out why it made me so angry when she said it. It’s because she knows me and the kids so well (and I babysat for her practically every weekend for 15 years!!) and yet, she hasn’t once come to help without being asked. She hasn’t once brought food or offered to have my daughter to stay or taken me grocery shopping. Nothing. All she’s done is used the words ‘call if you need anything’. It’s annoying!! but I’m blessed to have other people who do truly care.
xxx
Thanks Pam, Darla, Lisa, Peggy, Randi and to Gavin and Lainy once again. Lainy and Gavin you’re right. Dwelling on the past does no good but his time in hospital, lying in bed waiting on a stent that wasn’t going to happen, him being in pain, uncomfortable, it just eats me up inside and yet I know I need to move past it. We thought he had a couple of years but instead he spent 14 precious days lying in a hospital bed pointlessly, none of us knowing that he had just days left to live. We’re blessed that he had, at least, the last 6 days in the hospice but had we known that he was dying we would have taken him home or moved to hospice much sooner. I’m just so angry at his oncologist.
Mostly I’m angry with grief. Friends and family have mostly shifted back to their regular lives and the kids and I are trying to muddle through and put on brave faces. So many people are uncomfortable around us if we’re upset. It’s like we have to pretend to be okay for their benefit.
Lainy, PCL1029, Julia, Margaret, Gavin and CL, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your beautiful messages of friendship and support. They made me feel better… a bit lighter.
I feel cheated. I feel my wonderful husband got a raw deal. I know nobody gave him cancer but I can’t help thinking ‘what if?’ about so many things. Should they have given him a dose of chemotherapy soon after diagnosis when he was still very strong and very healthy? Would that have given him a step up on the ladder to more time with us? Should they have operated even though the cancer had spread? Should they…. etc etc.
It’s a monster of a disease… an evil horror.
Thank you again guys. I truly appreciate the support.
Deb x
