jclegg
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Dearest Carol,
My heart goes out to you. You sound like such a strong, brave person, and I know how very difficult this is for all of you. God be with you. Your family will be in my prayers.Love – Joyce C.
Hello Friends,
Marion – thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am trying to think how it will be after two years – I can’t see that far ahead right now, but I hope you are right.Sue – it was 3 months for me on the 9th. I really can’t believe that 3 months has gone by – working really does pass time for me – I am grateful for that. Your cooking holiday on Crete sounds WONDERFUL – I so wish I could join you! It sure beats watching the cooking channel, which is what I do – quite a bit – even though I am not cooking much now. I think you have made a great plan – I was just telling my cousin that I need to join something new – I was thinking about this “tapercise” class – tap dancing for exercise. I am still thinking that over – I am probably a better cook than a tap dancer! I did start a new book yesterday – “The Friday Night Knitting Club” – I hope I keep reading – all my life I have read, but the last 3 months I just couldn’t – I have had the attention span of a gnat! I’m also still working on that prayer shawl for my daughter – her birthday ios February 22 – want to give it to her then.
Pauline – how awful to be so sick right now. You certainly don’t need sickness on top of your grief. I hope you recever quickly and are out and about again soon.
Darla – my first bill for plowing was $75.00 – he plowed 3 times. I am very happy – well worth it, as you said. I started writing yesterday – I stopped the blog when Butch passed away, and couldn’t write until now, but – I am going to try to start back up – I do think it is good for us.
Hugs to all of you,
Joyce
You know what – I have been angry for the last month! I must be going through my anger period. I have been short – even with my daughter and granddaugters. I think, Darla, it is because I am realizing that I don’t know, either, if I can ever adjust to being alone. I am angry that our husbands were taken from us, and angry because we are alone. No matter what I do – read a book, watch a movie, bake – we are doing it alone, and this really stinks. Of course, when I say I haven’t cried as much, I guess I forgot the 2 week period around the holidays when , mostly – all I did was cry when I was alone! I don’t cry much in public though – or – I try not to. Anyway, I have definately regressed, and we all probably have, I guess – the time of year, the weather, the realization that this is how it is going to be, etc. I am not sure this bereavement group is for me – I will have to try it and see – will surely let you know. Anyway, just blowing off steam – glad you all listen and uncerstand.
Love – joyce
Hello all,
It is Saturday night, and I though I would write a few lines, and tell you that I am thinking of you all. I started a bereavement support group on Tuesday night – through the Hospice that attended Butch here in our home at the end. You know – it was strange. I haven’t cried much in the last month – off and on, but – really – not much. BUT – the moment I walked into that room Tuesday night, I started crying, and – I couldn’t stop! I guess I needed that, though, so hopefully it will help me. We go for an hour and a half – for 8 weeks. I also go to a meeting on Wednesday night – from 7 to 9. There is a small group of people from my church – we get together, discuss the sermon from the previous Sunday, have refreshments, etc. It is really very nice. Butch and I joined that small group about 3 years ago, andf I have continued it. I find it helps to have these things to look forward to – it seemed very awkward going back to group without him, but it is OK now.
Well, I guess I will get into my pajamas, and sit in the recliner with Flashy. Maybe we will watch a movie. It is snowing – 5 to 10 inches were predicted. I got my errands done, and stayed in the house while the worst happens – it is a white, white world looking out my windows right now. It is supposed to stop by 7:00 in the morning. It would be a great night for a fire in the fireplace, but – I am too lazy to build it tonight!Love – Joyce
Marylloyd,
My two cents, for what it is worth – get more opinions. I am afraid to say anything else, as I want the best thing for your husband, and that MIGHT be the surgery. However, you know that Butch had surgery in July, and he was gone from our world in early October , and I do fear that surgery spreads cancer in many cases. So – I think other Doctor’s opinions would be invaluable here. I wish you both the best in any case.Joyce C.
Hi All,
Darla – Electronic – along with electrical – problems – seem to be the norm here. Remember my whole thing started with not just the lights, but the telephone! Actually – I LOST my cell phone when we were at the Univercity of Pittsburgh Hospital, and that sort of started the whole cell phone debaucle. I haven’t noticed any scents, but – how lovely – I would love to. It tells you that Jim is keeping a close eye on you, doesn’t it?
I, too, try to make sure I get out on the weekens when I am home. It is much harder this time of year – when spring comes, I hope we will be much better off. I live 15 minutes from anywhere, so – it is hard to motovate myself to drive into town, but – so much alone time is not good, I think.
Sue – I do wish I didn’t have to work quite as many hours as I have been working – actually, before Butch got sick, I was talking about cutting back to 4 days a week, and would love to do that. Probably no until next year, however – they hgave been good about my comings and goings, however – and it DOES keep my mind off my grief. I notice that at night I am SO tired – falling asleep early in the recliner – I guess I am emotionally exhausted – it can’t possible be physical.
Pauline – I THINK my furnace is fixed now – you wouldn’t believe how many electrical/electronic things have had to be fixed over the last couple of months! Your trip into town sounds so interesting to me – I wish we could go with you. I find retracing steps that Butch and I took IS sad, but comforting at the same time. My daughter gave me a digital picture frame for Christmas, and I have been making a slide show of pictures of Butch – at hoem, around town, and on all our trips. I have revisited many a place in pictures over the last few days. While I have cried, it makes me feel good to know we made those trips together, and he was so happy then. We made a bus trip out west in 2005 (we flew to Denver and home – the trip left from there) – a National Parks tour – and he especially loved that trip – he always had a fascination with cowboys and the west – and we both loved nature – so it was a wonderful experience. Good memories.
Well – off to church this morning, then – not sure! It is hard to motivate ourselves to do much right now, isn’t it?Love – Joyce
Hello All,
Lainy – I put that poem on my refrigerator – place of honor! It is very beautiful, and made me cry, but – I will read it each day to remind me that our loved ones are watching over us.Sue – Butch used to say we were trying to empty out the ocean with a teaspoon, when things just seemed to big for us! I guess that IS like eating an elephant!We will all do it together, though. Knowing we are all here for each other makes an amazing difference in how I feel. Good job on fixing the fridge! I am quite impressed. You are right about those electrical problems – even my brand new furnace, for goodness sake.
I hope your dog is comtinuing to get better? What kind of dog is she? I hope she is as loving as my dog Flash, and minds much, much better!
Love – joyce
Hello Everyone,
Well – it is over, isn’t it? This was a truly terrible week, and I am so glad it is over. I did work today, and am now off for the weekend. Yes, Sue, working helps me a great deal. I have been working at the Homes for 31 years in March, so, as you can imagine, I have many great friends there, so they have made it as easy for me as they could. I work in the corporate office of a chain of nursing homes, and I am the Director of Information technology, and I went oput on leave in March of last year, just after we purchased new software for our computer systems. We are now installing that software, and still running two other older systems, so , it is very difficult right now, with many hours going into this project. It is a good thing – keeps my mind busy during the day, and I am tired when I come home, so I am grateful that I had this job to return to – I am darn lucky they held it for me.As for New Year’s, I stopped and bought Chinese, and Flash and I ate that. I watched the cooking channel (don’t even ask me why!) and fell asleep just before they announced who won the cooking contests I was watching – before 12:00. My brand new furnace had conked out (got it put in two weeks ago, and the pump was bad), so it was 48 degrees in the master bedroom. I slept in the guest room, and the living room was around 60 so it wasn’t completely gone, BUT, it was darn cold! They replaced the pump today, and it is nice and warm tonight – we (Flashy and I) will return to our bedroom tonight.
I loved your poem, Pauline, and I do mourn for the light that has gone out in all of our lives. I hope we can move on from this sadness and recover a bit – this last week or two set us back quite a bit, I fear. Sue, Darla, Pauline and everyone reading this who has lost a loved one , I am thinking of you as we go into the New Year, and praying that the way ahead will get easier.
Love, Joyce
Dear Iris,
I am so sorry that you have lost your Peter, but glad to hear that he did not suffer. I know how difficult this has been, and will continue to be, for you, and how sad you must feel now. I want you to know that we will all be here for you, to listen to what you have to say, and to support you in your grief. I read somewhere that this feeling we have inside, when we lose a loved one, is called the “great sadness”, and I identified so with that description. I know exactly what it means, and my hope is that – as the “great sadness” descends, God will be there to comfort you.
With Love – Joyce C
Hello all,
Just a note to say we are half-way there! We got Christmas over with – now we need to be past New Year’s – I am thinking this will not be easy. It is not as though we were big partiers – we usually went out to eat with my parents, and then went home and watched the ball drop -IF we didn’t fall asleep! But – we always brought in the New Year together, and this New Year’s will be very difficult, for all of you also, I am sure. Iwill be thinking of you. We have decided to go out to eat – my daughter and her husband, and the Grandchildren, then MAYBE go to the movies. I am not sure yet, but – sitting home alone is probably not a good idea, I should think. I hope you all make a plan, too.I hope you all got thru Christmas as best we could – it WAS difficult, but having the love of my family helped, as I hope was the case for all of you. I am so happy to have my Granddaughters – they are wonderful girls, and so thoughful of my feelings. We are all trying to establish new traditions – we had a toast at Christmas dinner – non-alcoholic champagne – to Butch, and I hope to do that every year from now on.
The weather has been unbelievably balmy the last few days – up around 60, in fact. The snow all melted, and it seems very surreal – I will take it though!
Love, Joyce
Tess,
I am sorry I didn’t get your e-mail – I don’t know what happened – maybe the spam filter worked too hard that day! I agree about the “Cancer ZOne” – there is a big one in Endicott – from IBM and EJ waste products, etc. However, I think my husband’s problem stems from his Vietnam service – I am pretty sure – parasites in the water supply are known to preceed CC.You ARE close to me, as I am half way to Owego, just over the Tioga County border.
This site is a wonderful resource for information, and the people who correspond here are just the best people. I have derived so much comfort from communicating with them, in addition to learning so much about CC.
Joyce C.
Hi Tess,
I was just reading this thread for the 1st time, and realized that you are in Binghamton. I am in Endicott! What a coincidence that we are so close when this is such a rare cancer! I just wanted to say hello and good luck to you and your Dad. May God bless him with his mercy.Joyce C
PS – For everyone else – Binghamton and Endicott are next to one another in south central New York. They afre practically the same place!
