jclegg
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Iris,
I, too, wish we could comfort you during this time. I lost my Husband – Butch – on October 9, and this holiday season will be tough. I can only tell you to tell your husband how much you love him – many times – and kiss him , and hold his hands and remember that this time is precious – I am so glad that I had that time with Butch – I told him he was probably sick of hearing it friom me, but I needed to tell him. I was with him, holding his hads, when he passed from this world, and it means the world to me now that I was able to pray for him, and comfort him right to the end. I will always have that, and it helps me now. We will all be here for you when you need us, and will be thinking of you.Joyce
Dear Charlene,
I am so sorry that you have lost your John, and wish so much that I could help make the pain go away for you. I lost mu husband Butch on October 9, right around the same time that Sue, Pauline, and Darla lost their husbands. We have been communicating with each other almost every day since. It has helped to share this terrible experience with others who really know what we are going through. We each find there are times that are far worse than others, and I do believe that it gets better with time. It is so difficult to know what to say to help you now – just know that we are all here for you, and will listen no matter what you say – sometimes we write in and just blurb along – getting it off our chests, so to speak. We have found that we have similar thoughts, feelings and experiences, and it has been very helpful. God’s grace to you Charlene.Love – Joyce
Hello Group,
Well – it is Sunday again. I will get ready to go to church in a while – did I tell you that I started going back to our “small groups” meeting again? It is on Wednesday nights – a few couples from our church meet at one couple’s home – we have refreshments and talk about the sermon from the previous week, pray together, and in general have a nice time. It was hard to go alone at first – Butch and I always went together, but – I do find it a comfort. Those people are all my friends – they were all with us this whole way, and I love them.
I am also missing my blog. I started a blog to keep everyone informed about Butch. I stopped it when he passed away. I miss writing and am thinking about starting a new one – I believe I can have an icon to the old one on the new site, but I did find the writing cathargic and a way to express myself. The blog was “joycebutchclegg.blogspot.com” and it tells our story about his illness, hospital stays, etc. I go there and look sometimes, and reread our journey to this sad point.
I have boxed up all the clothes, etc. and given them away. I keep a box of keepsakes on his dresser – I kept his glasses, wallet, personal things, watch, ring, and I look in there from time to time. It was very hard to box up those things, but I feel better – it just tore me up everytime I looked at those clothes. I kept a couple of his favorite shirts, etc. I am surrounded by pictures of him golfing as I sit here – I still have a lot of things here for me to remember him, but – I did empty out the house a bit. I can hear him saying – “I don’t care what you do with this stuff when I am gone – leave it alone now!”. He was kind of a pack rat and I was always wanting to weed out – he objected.
I have never gone for grief counseling – I still might go, but I haven’t up to this point. I think what has helped me the most is returning to work. I have to admit, my mind is not always on what I am doing there, but – all in all – it does help me to keep busy, outside of this house. I also had a great time with the kids this weekend – a bit weepy at points, but they seem to understand – they just pat my back and say “it’s going to be all right, Grandma”. God love them, I just tell them I am trying to work through the grief, and they usually cry with me!
I like to think that someday we might all meet – it would certainly be wonderful. In the meantime, this works for me! I feel I have a place where we are all going through the same things at almost the same time, and it is wonderful to be able to express ourselfs. This IS grief management. Did I tell you that the streetlight on either side of my house has gone out, and not been replaced – about a month ago – this is another ones of thoses “lights” stories we talked about – very strange, indeed. my neighbor even called the town to tell them that the lights were blown out!
I am trying to cut down on the medication they gave me – the anti-depressant – and it is difficult. I took them all through the summer and now I probably need to wean off. They have helped me – I don’t think I could have done this without them. The Doctor assures me that they are not addictive, but – one never knows, and I think it is best to try to cope without them.
Well – on to church. Everyone try to keep busy today, and avoid the blues if you can.Love – Joyce
I usually start my day out by coming on here and reading the new postings. It always makes me feel better, not so alone. Patty, I love that poem – thank you so much. Sue – hope your night out goes well. It is very difficult for me – beng the “5th wheel’ at most events, but I assume that “this too shall pass”. My duaghter mentioned that it seemed funny – her setting the Thanksgiving table for 9 instead of 8 – it is new to all of us. My Granddaughters asked me to take them to the cemetary yesterday, and I did – we all had a cry, talked to Grandpa for a minute, and they seemed to feel better after we left. I told them I was thinking about putting a little bench there, for us to sit on and think, but I haven’t quite decided yet if that is a good idea. Anyway, I took them Christmas shpping for their Mom and Dad (this is our little tradition the day after Thanksgiving), and then we came home and watched the movie. They will go home later today – I have enjoyed the company, I can tell you.
I am dreading the 1st snowstorm – I am not sure i can handle the snowblower, but – I will need to! We have been lucky so far – only light flurries kind of stuff – it will be here though – this IS central New York, after all! I live to look at snow – just don’t like to drive in it!
I am ALMOST finished with the Christmas table topper I embroidered all those weeks while Butch was in the hospital, and home here on hospice. I have about an hour or two of stitching to go, and I couldn’t pick it up – too many memories. I picked it up the other night and worked on it – it is Ok now – the good memories of our marriage will outnumber the bad, and every time I get that table topper out at Christmas time for the rest of MY life, I will think of Butch.
Try to have a good weekend everyone – Love – Joyce
Dear Jeff,
Yours was one of the first “voices” I heard when I came on this board. You have meant so much to so many. I will be praying for you that God will allow the meds to work and you will not be in pain. You are such an inspiration to myself and others. I look forward to your continued presense – and wisdom -here.God’s peace to you my friend,
Joyce
Hello Everyone,
Yes – yesterday WAS hard. We did talk about Butch at my daughter’s house – I brought him up. I am SURE people don’t because they think they are “sparing” us, but – it doesn’t help – it IS the “elephant in the room” . Thanksgiving was Butch’s favorite holiday and eating was his “hobby” before he got sick, so the day was bittersweet, but – I tried to be thankful in honor of him. My Granddaughters came home with my to stay until tomorrow, so I am glad for that. We are going shopping for presents for them to give their parents and each other – it is our tradition we have together. Last nmight we watched old Christmas movies on DVD – tonight we will watch :It’s a wonderful life” – Grandpoa Butchie’s favorite Christmas movie – in honor of him. Last year he got mad at a banker and told him – “I’m leaving your bank – I wanted a George Bailey and you are a Mr. Potter” I am sure that the young man didn’t even know what he was talking about, but – our Granddaughters do!!
The girls talk about Grandpa a lot , and the lessons they learned form him – so does my daughter, so we are keepng his memory alive for ourselves – even when it makes us cry. If I mention him at work, people look a little uncomfortable, I notice. His friends (poker and golf) do call me occasionally – to check up on me – and I think that is nice.
I am determined to honor his memory by getting through the holidays without being a “wet blanket”. He had such a sense of humor, and loved life so much – the least I can try to do is continue on gratefully, and with grace – it IS hard, though – many times I just want to ignore the whole holiday thing! November 11 (Veteran;s Day) was our anniversary, and December 12 would have been his 67th birthday, so – this is awfully tough.
I hope that you all will find solace in good memories of the past, as I do. In addition, I try to always remember that I didn’t want him to suffer any more than he did, and where he is now – there is no suffering. I like to think of him out on a beautiful golf course up there in heavne, getting a hole in one!Love – Joyce
Hello all,
All of you are my support group – it means so much to know that you are here and ready to listen, AND understand! Pauline, my heart goes out to you right now. I see why it gets worse now, in some ways – instead of better, as the finality of this has become more apparent to me than it was at the beginning. In some ways, though, it STILL seems surreal – I can hardly believe that this has happened.
I found a card that Butch gave me with a rose for a valentine’s dinner that we had at our church last February. The guys filled out a card to give us with the flower at this dinner, and it says “To Joyce – My wife, for life, and beyond”. Well – he must have known subconsciously. This was a couple of weeks before the biopsy came back positive (March 6), and he only had slight abdominal pain – that is why he went to the Docotr, but – this is so unlike Butch to write, it seems prophetic now.Love – joyce
Hello Everyone,
I, too, am a bit disappointed in some people – I am sure they are just busy, and don’t even think about us , but – it does make one a bit angry – actually, disappointed is a better word, I think, for me. My daughter and her family, and my sister-in-law, and my cousin Sharan (the “Rock”), along with my Mom are my constant support group, however – they are wonderful. Uh-oh – I forgot to mention Flashy – he is alsway here for me!
Haven’t sold the car yet – turns out there are some things wrong with it, so – I think I will have my mechanic (he is our friend) take it off my hands and to auction for me – that should be a good solution, I hope.
It is snowing here tonight – Friday it was 68 degrees – you just never know this time of year! I am very busy – with work and all that needs attending to around here, and that is a very good thing – not as much time ti think. Yesterday went pretty well – only a couple of meltdowns! I have also become very aware of the “woman alone” thing, and have noticed things I never even THOUGHT about before! I try to be cautious, not put myself into situations that could be dangerous, but – iy doesn’t come easy to me. I usually think about it AFTER i am in the situation!I hope you all have a good week.
Love – joyce
You won’t believe this – I am trying to sell Butch’s toyota , and I am having a heck of a time. It is an old car, and I am trying to get the Kelly Blue book value for a car in fair condition – BUT – this guy that came to look at it told me it needs brakes and a radiator . Now – is he lying, or is it true? I have to find out – I tell you, NOTHING it easy, and I HATE monkeying around with this stuff! I just would like to get the car out of the garage – every time I look at it, I start to cry.
So sorry about your computer crashing – it is so annoying, and I know that makes you crazy with the “now what do I do’s”. It seems like I didn’t realize how many things Butch took care of around here until now, and now everything is going wrong!
Sue – it sounds like you are having such a hard time. I wish we could all just sit down somewhere and have some coffee (or tea, as the case may be), and give each other hugs and support. They keep telling me it DOES get better, and I am hanging onto that. Yesterday was a hard day for me, but I kept busy as best I could, prayed, talked to Butch, and went to bed early!
Well – I am off to work – hugs to all of you,
Joyce
Hi Darla (and Sue, and Pauline),
I just read your post and read that today will be two months since Jim passed away. Today will be one month for Butch. I am going to church in a few minutes, and I will say a prayer for all of us- everyone on this board, and Pauline, Sue, you and I.
It is another unseasonably warm day in upstate New York (has gone up to the high 60’s lately). The sun is in and out . I am so thankful for that! One of my tasks today is to get the snow blower out and learn how to use it! My son-in-law is coming up to do a final raking, and my Brother is stopping in on his way back to his home in Ithaca. So – along with church and the grocery store (my replacement for going out to breakfast after church!), I hope to keep myself pretty busy. Next weekend my Grandchildren are staying with me. Last night my neighbor invited me over for beef stew, and Tuesday my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are taking me out to dinner – Tuesday is my wedding anniversary and they remembered, God love them. Since it was not my first wedding, and Butch didn’t want a fuss, we flew to Las Vegas and got married there on Veteran’s Day in 1995 – he was a 53 year old batchelor at the time, and it took some training to get him used to marriage! He became very good at it, though, and we shared a wonderful life.
Hope all three of you have plans for today, and I will be thinking of you. Sue – it was so good to hear from you (on the other posting, I mean!) I have become so attached to all of you, and interested in your progress. Many good thoughts all of your ways.Love – Joyce
Hello Everybody,
I have been very busy this week, which is the best thing for me, as we discussed. I still have a lot of “sad spots” as I call them. but in between I am functioning quite well. I know what you mean about people not mentioning Butch – they actually look uncomfortable when I mention him – and I do – frequently. It helps a lot to talk about him, I think.Work is coming along – I am fitting back in and finding my new place. Everyone has been wonderful – just good friends.
This week I bought a couple of new outfits – I used to LOVE to shop – now it is a chore, but – I really need some new clothes.
My list is growing longer – thre are so many things to attend to, and Butch used to run the errands for us. He was retired and I am not, so he picked up a lot of the chores, running around, etc. for meNow I have to do myown laundry!
I am thinking about signing up for a widow/widowers support gruop – they meet once a week for breakfast at Denny’s – not sure though.
Sue – I am going to go look at that picture – I haven’t posted an entry yet – trying to gather strength. I haven’t blogged since I wrote the final entry on the blog I kept for Butch’s journey. I do miss it – it was GREAT therapy. I blogged all the way thru 3 weeks at Mayo, and 6 weeks at Pittsburgh Medical!. I think I will start a new blog for me.
Take care everyone – I am thinking of you all.
Joyce
Welcome Sandra,
First of all, welcome to our site. We are a friendly group, and will be here for you when you need us. It sounds to me like hospice, and your Dad;s Doctors, need to change some meds – talk to them and hopefully they can help your Dad. My experience with hospice, when my Husband needed them, was that they were wonderful – truly trying to do their best to ensure that my husband was painfree. He did hallucinate a few times, and we had to make adjustments. Good luck, and write whenever you feel like you need an ear to listen.
Joyce
Pauline – I think getting a cold right now would be terrible – even in the best of times, it is not good!. I so hope you are feeling better – it was wonderful that your friend was there duruing that time – what would we do w/o friends and family.
Darla – my Mom and Dad are both alive also, and what a comfort they are to me. We are so fortunate to have them, aren’t we? My Dad had his knee operated on the day after Butch’s funeral, but he is doing fine.
Sue – we haven’t heard from you in a few days. Is everything all right? Or – as right as it can be now? I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
Hugs your way,
Joyce
My Husband also had some delusional episodes, along with hallucinations. Most of the time they were medication related, but on at least one occasion they were caused by dehydration, He always did better at home – when he got into the unknown territory of a hospital, they started to show up – of course, they stepped up the medication when he got there, etc. I hope things are better with your Mom now, with the fentenal patch. My husband was – eventually – able to tolerate the dilidid, which seemed to help him tremendously.
My thoughts are with you,
Joyce
