kimmie
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Wow Michael, you totally summed up how I feel when you said, “This sadness is like waking up with a buzzard on my shoulder which I’m trying my damnedest to not always pay attention to but its very hard.” That’s exactly how I feel every morning!
Sorry to hear about your rough patches, but glad to hear about the positives that have been going on for you. Hang in there – that’s all we can do!
Lainy, it sounds like everything is ready for Friday! I think funeral Masses are beautiful. I’m glad to hear about your wonderful friends looking out for you.
The cologne on the pillow has me in tears! My Mom’s room (actually my old bedroom where she kept all her clothes) still smells like her perfume, and I keep begging my Dad to keep the door closed so the smell stays in.
Gavin, I wish I had words of comfort for you. You are always so supportive, helpful and kind to people on this website. But I (no one, really) can say anything to take your pain away. Only that we relate to your sadness in some way, wherever we are in our stage of grieving our loved ones.
I am sorry that your Mom’s sister and nieces haven’t been there for her as much as they could or should.
I like Lainy’s idea – bar time with some friends!
I just typed a long reply to you, then Internet Explorer locked up and I lost it! I’ll try to remember what I said…
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I am really sorry to read this news. Your Dad sounds like an amazing man. I loved reading about the sightings you had the night he died. My sister is a home hospice nurse and has countless stories like that. (I just never put much credence in them until I experienced them for myself after my own mother died.)
Prayers and peace for you and your family.
Love,
KimThanks everyone! It’s more than 24 hours later, and every time I think about what happened with the book I smile. And every time I go outside, I look up to the sky and smile at her. I KNOW it was my Mom making her presence known to me.
A big part of me is dreading the upcoming holidays, since Mom LOVED Christmas – both the religious signifcance and the family togetherness. What I keep reminding myself is that she would want us to soldier on with Christmas plans, especially for the grandkids. We’ve always been a close, celebratory, loud, obnoxious and comedic family, and if she knew we planned anything different for this year she would NOT be pleased. So while I shop for gifts, wrap, prepare the meal, and celebrate with my family here in my home, I will keep reminding myself of that.
Thanks again for your replies!
P.S. Pam – my Mom’s voice is still on my parents’ home machine. When Dad doesn’t answer and I get the machine I’m torn between tears and laughter. Right when the machine picks up you can hear my Dad faintly in the background saying “OK, now say it!” in an irritated voice. Then my Mom says, “Hi, you’ve reached Jerry and Bonnie…” in an equally-irritated voice. They were like Fred and Ethel!
Hopefully, it’s as the others suggested – ascites or urine that they can drain off/out and give him some relief.
And I have to tell you, I HATED it when people made comments about my mom like that – “She doesn’t even look sick” or things like that. While that may have been true (she was overweight until the day she died, never lost her hair during chemo, and never had jaundice or any sort of swelling), the way people said it used to piss me off.
Keep us posted on how Randy’s doing!
Lainy, how comforting! I had to laugh at how you started out your post: “I am not crazy…” My sister always told me stories like this, from her experience as a home hospice nurse, and I used to be so doubtful. But I’ve become a firm believer in the last few months.
Perhaps Teddy and my Mom, Bonnie, got together last night and decided to let their loved ones know they’re watching over us?
ElaineW wrote:Just think of all the other CC victims who greeted Teddy at the gates!Elaine, that visual made me cry all over again. What a truly beautiful and comforting thought! Teddy and my mother ought to get along swimmingly.
Oh Lainy, my most sincere condolences to you and to your family. You did an amazing thing by being by Teddy’s side throughout all of this. How wonderful that he was able to be at home for all but the last three days of his life.
I am privileged to “know” Teddy and you through this site. I pray that you feel God’s arms around you in the coming days and weeks.
My 2 cents based on my experiences…
I work as a marketing consultant. These days I spend most of my time doing work for one particular company. When my Mom went on home hospice in mid-August, I cut waaay back on the hours I worked. I spent days with her while my sister was at work, and while Mom slept (which was often) I was able to work on my laptop, which was actually a good distraction for me. But I was able to get done what I could, depending on the day and how much time Mom needed from me. Towards the end I didn’t work much at all. Luckily, my employer was very accomodating.
If I could go back and change things, would I? Absolutely not. I treasure every moment I was able to spend with my Mom, and we created some fond memories that I will forever have in my heart.
After she died, I took a week off, then jumped back into work. I only work 15-20 hours a week, and it’s truly been a perfect balance of work and free time. Again, I feel very blessed that I can work from home and part time, especially having two school-aged children. But it’s all worked out well for me.
Search your soul for the answer and you will decide to do what’s best for yourself.
Lainy,
I’ve been away from the board since before Thanksgiving. It was a tough time for our family not having Mom here for the holiday, and I’ve been keeping my mind busy with work and Christmas preparation, not much internet time.
But I wanted to share what we experienced… What you describe sounds very similar to what my mother did the two weeks or so before she died. The confusion was first, which actually started when we were still on the family cruise. Once we were back home and she was in her comfy hospital bed, she slept a lot that first day, then more confusion, babbling, talking coherently but not making a lot of sense, calling out “Daddy.” Later that week she was staring more, almost like asleep with her eyes open. Agitation increased, she kept telling us to get her out of bed so she could go sit in the chair, which would’ve been impossible due to her weakness. By Friday, she spent most of her time asleep, which could have partially been due to all the medication. She died late Sunday afternoon, and we didn’t see any bluish signs until an hour or two before, and even then it was just her fingernail beds. Also that last day her hands and feet were cold.
I don’t want to make anyone sad or worried, I just thought sharing our experiences may help someone reading now or down the road.
Interesting that the newsletter had articles about cholangiocarcinoma and trigeminal neuralgia – two things my mother had.
My mom had that also, along with lots of burping. We always figured it was a combo of CC and constipation. She took colace to help, though we found fresh peaches got things moving “down below” better than anything else. Someone just recently mentioned pear juice for constipation as well.
BTW, I’ve taken ambien before with no problems, other than vivid dreams (which were kinda cool actually). I took it only when really needed – a “I must FALL asleep and STAY asleep” kind of night, maybe once every month or so. Alas, I ran out about 6 months ago.
Oh Varun, I’m so sorry. My mother was 64 when she died and still so physically and emotionally young. Though I’m a bit older than you at 41. I know the thought of not having your mother as long as you should is such a hard thing to deal with. As you mentioned, just keep those happy memories you have of her in your heart and mind.
I’m sorry hospice isn’t common in India. Does she have good pain medication to keep her comfortable? One thing I can say is talk to her – even when she appears to be sleeping or unresposive, she WILL HEAR YOU!
I am keeping your Mom, as well as you and your Dad and brother in my prayers. Take some comfort in knowing you are a wonderful daughter and are doing all you can to make your Mom comfortable.
