mk

Roni, I am so sorry to hear about your mother becoming more fragile. I’ve been reading your posts, often identifying with your feelings. I think distance makes everything much worse. Having to talk on the phone and not being able to see your mum…It was much harder for me when I couldn’t see her (me living in London and her in Greece).

But when the time comes you do resume powers you thought you never had. I’d been told that and never believed it until I experienced it. Once I saw my mother and realised she was in her final days, I kind of forgot that I’m her daughter and tried to become her guardian angel instead, stopped crying and smiled more, cos I wanted her last impressions in this life to be of my smiling face.

Savour these “I love yous” – that made me cry, when I read about them – they will be such precious memories. And also, I know it’s hard, impossible even, but try to focus on the fact she’s still here and don’t think about what’s coming. I wish I were able to do that.

It’s great that you rejoined your temple. Church also helped my mum, I think. Unfortunately it doesn’t do it for me, so I’m contemplating therapy or counselling, or even group therapy, as I like talking to people with similar experiences.

You’re in my thoughts – I’ll be checking for your updates.

Boudreau, I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t believe anymore that everything happens for a reason, but there are people that manage to use this awful experience for something good. I am happy that you used it to deeply connect with your brother. And, yes, I know what you mean about this site, it has also helped me so much.
My love to all of you.
maria

Thank you all so much for your wonderful messages, they really mean a lot of me.

Lainy, I was thinking of your description of Teddy’s passing on my mum’s last day and I felt less scared.

Pam, I was thinking of you and Lauren, while at the hospital. No one should have to go through this awful disease, let alone such a young person! But I do have a good feeling for you, guys, I really do!

Michelle, your message made me cry and cry. I felt like someone was describing my exact feelings. But it’s true, people that lost their mothers do tell me that the bad images fade away at some point, and you can remember you mum at her best. But they’ve also told me that you never really get over the trauma, that sometimes it will even get worse during the first years, but that in the end you learn to live with this pain and feel happy about other things again. A friend of mine who lost her mother to cancer when she was 18 uses a metaphor about seeing your mum die that I find pretty accurate: she says it feels like being a wild animal suddenly closed in a cage for life. As much as you scream and cry, you soon realise there’s nothing to be done, that’s it, your life has changed forever.

I try to see myself as my mother’s extension, as the most important thing she left behind, and therefore as someone who has to be a good and strong person, because this is what she deserves. I know this will not take the pain away but perhaps it will help me move on.

Extended hugs to all of you.
Maria

Adam, I am trully so sorry to hear about your story! Your mother was also so young, and three months is such a sort time to come to grips with the situation! The first months after my mum’s diagnosis I was numb with paiin and alcohol. I also know that it’s harder to give harsh news, so thank you for that.

I am, of course, aware that this might be the situtaion with my mum now. And no day has been normal, since I found out she has cancer, everyday of my life is an expression of love for her and an attempt to prove that I will be alright no matter what, so that she goes with peace when time comes. I hope you are also alright, even though everything is so recent for you.

As for false hope, the thing is that my mom was given no more than 10 days, when first diagnosed, then 6 months, then 3 months over the time she’s been sick and she has always managed to recover. Perhaps she does not this time. But perhaps she does.

Lainy, you are so amazing! I wish I could be as strong as you. Trying to support other people after what you’ve been through, it’s amazing…I’m always worried that if my mum passes away, I will become completely self-involved and indifferent to other people’s pain. Coming to these discussion boards and feeling the love and support running among all these people here makes me want to become better and stronger.

all my love,
m

Love the snowing background, by the way!

Thank you all for your responses. Lainy and Jim, your stories are indeed inspirational. I did also read Margaret’s posts that have given me hope. But the thing is that no one else does.

The update is that the doctors sent my mum home, cos they think that the current problem is not “mature enough” for a stent – I don’t understand what this means, really. She will go back in a week’s time to have a stent placed.

But I just talked to my mum’s best friend and she said that these are just ways to lessen her pain and we are just counting weeks. Her feet are also extremely swollen, which from other posts seems to be a symptom of the final stages.

I can’t help but thinking that this is the end – but then again my mum’s 59 and has been so strong until now that I am not ready to let go yet…

Oh, you are all so fantastic! Thank you so much for your quick replies!

Stupid me, I forgot to mention that when the doctor finally operated her, he removed the stent – which had already caused inflammation in the area. He was also really angry with the first doctors’ diagnosis.

I guess there is something to be said about Greece and its doctors, especially in the smaller city hospitals. In fact, when we were in search for a new doctor, I actually checked this website hoping that I could get some information about good doctors in Greece – if anyone else is looking, please, e-mail me! Our surgeon is an amazing person – and fantastic doctor.

So the blood tests have indicated that there is something wrong with my mum’s reconstructed bile duct. She is on antibiotics at the moment and will have a new scan pretty soon. She has not had any chemo for the last month, which is a bit worrying, but she is going back tomorrow and hopeflly she will manage to get one.

and, no, I don’t know what the coctail that has replaced Gem is. I haven’t been able to get hold of the onc but trying to convince my mother to ask him – but she somehow finds it scary to ask questions.

thanks again so much for the quick response!