pauline

Dear friends,
I have had another very low week and seem to be staying down here below the surface at the moment. I just don”t know where things are going and I find it very difficult without an aim in sight.
Having said that it is really nice to come on here and hear from you all. Of course you are welcome Janet. It will be very good to talk to you and let’s hope we can help each other.
Spring is still proving difficult for me. It has been very sunny and beautiful here and, having gone through such a cruel winter, it is very hard to find, at the end of it, that nothing has changed and to know that nothing is going to change.
I am still keeping busy but the turmoil is constantly there. Everything still goes round and round inside and I’m not even disguising it very well at the moment, which is obviously rather off putting for people around me.
However, I will try to make more of an effort as you are all doing. The idea of meeting up sounds really good and it gives us something to think about for the future. Thanks for that.
Take care,
Love
Pauline

Dear Darla, Sue and Joyce,
It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry you are both low as well, Darla and Sue. It is so hard to keep reliving the last awful days. I have been doing this as well quite a lot this week. It’s as though I suddenly stand back and still can’t quite conceptualise the events we went through, even though I think and think about them. However, I don’t think it’s surprising that we get hit like this considering the traumas we faced. I was thinking today that it’s not only the loss of our husbands that we are still dealing with but it is also everything we went through during their illnesses. I keep remembering the biopsies, the scans, the ERCPs, the many episodes of hospitalisation with cholangitis, the pain, the worry, the waiting for the latest results, the hope, the fear, the exhaustion… and all this, which for Anthony and I was a 2 year battle, was followed by his traumatic, painful death. Is it surprising, with all we’ve been through, that we fall apart a bit from time to time? My counsellor says going backwards and forwards to the issues is a sign of strength and resilience so, perhaps we should comfort ourselves with this.
I really wish we could sit down together and talk all this through and comfort each other when we are each having one of those awful days. I hope your holiday will help, Sue. I’m glad you booked it when you were feeling a little better and I should imagine the beautiful surroundings, sunshine and good company will be of help to you.
Household problems are a pain, aren’t they? All these things emphasise our loneliness and mean we get them out of proportion. I need a plumber but just can’t be bothered to find one!
Take care all and keep busy – it seems to be the best we can do, doesn’t it?
With love
Pauline

Dear everyone,
I am thinking of you all and wondering how you are. I know it is 5 months today since Butch died, Joyce and I hope you are ok.
I am tring to keep busy as usual but this just seems to make time go more quickly, which I don’t like, but I don’t know what else to do.
I still hardly ever dream of Anthony even though he is always on my mind and is my first thought every morning. However, on Saturday night I had a dream which woke me with a start. I recall no events in this dream, just a feeling. The feeling was one I recognised from what seemed a long way in the past. It was a feeling of happiness and for a few moments it was like a dark cloak had been lifted from me. When I awoke I suddenly remembered that this was how I always used to feel before Anthony became ill. It really reinforced for me how qualitatively different life is now. I think I had forgotten how happiness and normality feel. It has left me feeling even more sad at the thought of everything we have lost.
I keep thinking back to one year ago and I regularly look at the calendar to remind me of what we were doing. Anthony was doing well after his radiotherapy and was having a break from treatment. We were feeling pretty positive and it is still so hard to accepy how quickly things changed for us.
I read what you said, Joyce, about your grandchildren wanting the happy grandmother back. Although we try hard to put on an act, I suppose it is hard to hide our inner sadness from those closest to us. I guess we have all forgotten what happiness is.
Anyway, I know we all try our best for those we love and that’s the most important thing, isn’t it?
Take care all of you.
Love
Pauline

Hello everyone,
Well, I made it back from Italy and it is a relief to get my arm out of plaster and to be able to drive and do things normally again. It is very sad to come on here and read all the tragic stories of others who have lost loved ones to this terrible disease. Reading all of the new posts in the grief section has also reinforced for me how much support we give and receive through this forum. It really would be difficult to imagine how I, and all of us, would be without this life line.
I hope you are all managing to cope as best as possible. It is good to hear from you Sam and it is clear from what your mum has aready written that you are a great support to her. When most around us seem to think we’re just ok now, it’s so important to know that we have those close to us who do understnd how we continue to suffer while doing our best to seem normal. It is so good to hear from you too Jeff and I do hope you are doing ok.
I am really struggling with my memory at the moment. I forget the simplest things e.g in the supermarket or at home and, I must admit, I do find it worrying because I’m so scared I’ll forget things about Anthony and our life together. I think I’m going to start writing my memories down for future reference.
It is 7 months tomorrow since Anthony died and the months seem to be going too fast now. I wish time would slow down to keep Anthony closer to me. I know he will always be close but time moving on is worrying me. I am thinking of you Darla as it is almost 6 months since you lost Jim. I am also thinking of you, Sue and Joyce, and of all those of you who have lost loved ones recently. Please keep in touch. Come and join us on here and share your sadness. We do understand.
With love
Pauline

Dear friends,
I am still in Italy and the weather is still very cold but it is so beautiful with the sun and the snow on the mountain peaks. Unfortunately, I had an accident on Wednesday and slipped on the ice on the road in front of the house. I fell on my my back and banged my head on the road. Later my arm became terribly painful and I had to go to the hospital where they put it in plaster so I have been pretty well house bound since then.
The worst thing was not the pain or the shock but the fact that Anthony wasn’t there to help me. I could imagine everything he would have done and said. He would have picked me up and brought me in side and made me a cup of tea. Then he would have put me in the car and taken me to the hospital and I would have been fine. Instead I was too upset to do anything but cry until, many hours later, I was in such pain that I had to go to the hospital.
I’m ok now and have very good neighbours here – better than in London. I can laugh now at the major feat it is to get dressed and undressed, showered etc but it has been another big test for me – one I could have done without.
Anyway, I hope you are ok. The decorating sounds good, Sue.
I am thinking of you all.
Take care
Pauline

Dear all,
I am sorry you are feeling so low, Sue. I think you’re right about the adrenalin in those early weeks, it does keep you going, albeit in something of a daze. I found that I then went through a stage of terrible torment which in turn led to this later stage of facing the stark reality of the situation. This brought me face to face with the awful loneliness of life without Anthony and I am still in that phase now. It brings you right down and nothing seems to have value.
All that I have done to try to pull myself up is to get on with my work and generally keep busy but before this, I couldn’t face work at all. It’s only in the last few weeks that I have thrown myself into it and it has helped a bit. I think, though, you will know when you are ready for this and it sounds like you’re not. I am lucky in that, as a self employed consultant, I can take on the amount of work I want to and not too much. I tend to do about 3 days a week in school and catch up with the written side of it at home on the other days. It sounds as though your friend’s offer was too much for you at the moment. I think you will know when you are ready and then I would suggest you don’t take on full time work with lots of stress. You have to remember that grieving is an exhausting and extremely stressful thing in itself and we don’t need this to be added to!
Supporting your friend is going to be very hard for you, Sue. You are very kind to do this but do take care of yourself. Perhaps you could try to build up a little suppot network for your friend rather than dealing with too much of what is ahead directly yourself. I really don’t think I could do this. I cry every time I see someone dying on tv.
I am thinking of you all this Sunday. It is still cold and grey here and I expect Italy will be pretty similar. Stay warm all of you and take care!
Love
Pauline