pauline

Thank you both for reminding me once again how similar our experiences of the grieving processes are. I also talk to Anthony a lot and look at his photos which are all around the house. I am keeping very busy too but at the moment the terrible sadness is very close to the surface and little memories come to my mind and I find myself crying – sometimes silently – if people are around.
There is no answer to this process, no solution to the problem but, despite this, I think we are all doing ok because we continue to function. Most people probably don’t have any idea of how we are feeling inside. I find that the number of people I confide in is now very small and I have pretty well given up on the rest. This doesn’t even annoy me any more. I am used to it.
Anyway, the snow has come to London and it’s very cold. This usually means chaos on the roads so I’m not looking forward to the journey to school tomorrow!
Take care! We’ve got through another weekend!
Love
Pauline

Dear all,
I wrote a really long reply last night and I lost my connection just before I sent it so I will try again and keep it shorter this time!
I was really angry for you, Sue, when I heard what those “friends” said. It feels as though most other people are on a different planet sometimes, doesn’t it? We put on a brave face because, basically, we have to and then people presume we’re ok. If we don’t they think we should be “getting over it” by now. What is comforting is to know that we are all pretty similar in the way we are handling things – all trying to keep busy and make a good effort while feeling terribly, sad, lonely and empty inside.
And why can’t most people talk to us about our husbands? After all he was their friend or brother or other relative. A little memory goes a long way to helping us – is this too hard to figure out? Yes, Darla, I think we have a right to be angry about all of this. I’m also angry about the people who hardly ever phone any more. Anthony always said he knew there would be so many people looking out for me. I’m glad he doesn’t know he was wrong about that.
I think working is useful, Joyce, and I am throwing myself back into it at the moment but it is difficult to concentrate for long periods. I think your boss needs to realise you are not back to normal and needs to take this into account. I do believe that when people ask how we are we should tell them that we are not great and are still finding it all very hard etc. At least they can’t say they didn’t know. Don’t over work, Joyce, you could become exhausted or ill and that really won’t be good.
I think you are absolutely right, Darla, we have to re evaluate who our real friends are and we shouldn’t let them upset us. It’s hard though, as you say, because we are bound to be very sensitive. I do get angry and upset but try to push it out of my mind and think of things that really matter. What else can we do?
Anyway, it all reinforces how important it is that we have our little group and we really understand each other. I think if I didn’t have you all I would presume I was alone in having insensitive friends etc. Take care all of you and keep in touch. It’s good to have an international moan sometimes, isn’t it?
Love
Pauline

Dear friends,
It is good to catch up with how you are feeling. It has been such a difficult period it’s not surprising that everyone is low. I am thinking of you today Sue with Ray’s anniversary. It is still a very short time really, although it can seem like forever to us, can’t it?
I am just recovering from my second virus which has kept me in bed feeling rotten for another week. This was the nora virus – the horrible sickness bug! I must admit, having been ill for most of the last 3 weeks has left me so depressed that it is hard to motivate myself in any way at all. Nothing seems to make any sense or to have any purpose any more. You’re right Sue, doing the same things that we used to do can bring some comfort but also just underlines our sense of loneliness. On the other hand, I can’t think of anything else to do that gives me a sense of purpose. I think if I was 10 years younger I would re train as a doctor. Your trip sounds like a really good idea, Sue. You are being very positive which I think is great.
I have cancelled all my school visits and meetings this week and I must admit I really am feeling like I just can’t be bothered with any of it but I suppose I will have to force myself because I will just get more depressed.
I had to miss my counselling because of my illness but I will go again next week and hope it might help.
Anyway, I am thinking of you all. Take care!
Love
Pauline

Dear friends,
It’s good to hear from you and I get the feeling that we’re all rather relieved that the holiday period is over. Thank you for thinking of us, Lainy. You are very kind and I hope life will be kind to you and Teddy this year.
I do think there comes a point where going out to work is a good thing, Sue. I wouldn’t want to be full time but getting a balance between time to reflect and time to be busy has certainly been important to me. It’s not so much that I find meaning in the work at the moment, it’s more that it gets me thinking of different things with people, some of whom know nothing of my situation. I am lucky in that I can choose the projects that I want to do and the amount of work I want to take on but I would certainly encourage you to try to find somthing that interests you and gets you out of the house for a few hours at least.
It’s been very cold here lately and, surprise,surprise, I have ongoing boiler problems too! It’s one of those very grey Sundays today and, as I have been stuck inside the house with flu for over a week I am thinking of taking myself into town today. I have been intending to visit the area around St Barts hospital for a while now. Anthony had his radiotherapy there at this time last year and we found it a fascinating part of London. We always intended to go for a walk around the area but Anthony wasn’t well enough. So I may go today and visit one of the oldest churches in London – St Bartholomew the Great which dates from the early 12th century. I will then go to St Paul’s and down to the river and back to an Italian cafe that Anthony and I occasionally went to before his treatments. It will be sad, of course, as all these things are but I think I need to do it.
Take care everyone and keep warm!
Love
Pauline

Dear all,
Well it’s 8.30pm on new year’s eve and I’m still feeling ill. There doesn’t seem much point in staying awake until midnight. I don’t like the idea of living in a year that Anthony hasn’t known so I think I’ll try and ignore it all. It is very sad on this forum at the moment with a number of loved ones having died or dying. Here is a verse of a poem by John Donne that I wrote to Anthony on his last birthday:

…” All other things to their destruction draw,
Only our love hath no decay;
This no tomorrow hath, nor yesterday,
Running it never runs from us away,
But truly keeps his first, last, everlasting day”…

I am crying again for the light that has gone out in my life and for my friends, Darla, Joyce, Sue and for all of you living through this torment.
Thinking of you all tonight
Love
Pauline

Dear friends,
I am still suffering from a very bad bout of flu that I have had since Christmas Day. It has been very miserable all on my own but I don’t want to pass my germs to my family. However, I have a very strong sense of Anthony being here with me which is helping to keep me going.
I had originally intended to go to Italy for new year to visit Asisi where Anthony and I spent the millenium new year’s day. However, I have had to cancel that trip. My step daughter has invited me over and I had thought I would go for a few hours and then come back home to let the new year in. However, as I am still spiking a high temperature every day this is not looking likely.
Last year on new year’s eve, Anthony had a ct scan and when we got home he began to get a high temperature which meant that he spent the rest of the day in bed. I sat up on the bed with him, as I often did when he was ill and by midnight he was sleeping. I remember looking out of the window and seeing a few fire works and then going to sleep myself. It was the only new year out of 27 that we didn’t wish each other happy new year at midnight. It never even occurred to me that this was to be our last new year. The next day Anthony felt better and we went to our daughter’s house for a family get together.
So at midnight this year I have decided to be in our bedroom looking out of the window. It is very beatiful weather here at the moment – very cold and sunny – and so I am hoping to see some stars. Then I will probably cry and wish my Anthony a happy new year.
Today is 5 months since Anthony died and he is always in my thoughts. I think I am getting used to life being full of sadness but I think this time of year has been the most challenging since those very early weeks.
I am thinking of you all and will be thinking of you at new year.
With love
Pauline

Dear everyone,
This is such a trial. I have been crying most of the day. I can’t bear missing Anthony so much, it is so painful. It is nearly five months now and I still think about him all the time during the day and most of the night ( I can’t sleep well at the moment either). Anyway, last night Anthony was there in my dream for the first time in weeks and it made me feel so much better for the first moments of the day, until the torment started again.
I am thinking of you, Darla, Sue, Joyce and everyone else who has lost a loved one to this disease. I know we will all try our best to get through this Christmas period. I am going to make a very big effort for my family tomorrow and will try not to cry until I get back home.
With love
Pauline