fairydrop
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Chris,
I know nothing can really help the pain right now but I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband John on Nov.23.It is the hardest thing in the world to lose your spouce. Please come here for support. Without all of these wonderful people who KNOW our pain, it would be even harder to survive the loss
All my love to you and your daughter at this time and yes I do believe our loved ones are in Heaven.
Gods Blessings on all of us,
CharleneThank you for all the support.
I really had no idea it would be this incredibly hard to have him die, I thought I was prepared but when it came to the actual moment of him leaving I was hysterical.It’s been a week and two days and it seems like an eternity. I’m taking it one day and sometimes one minute at a time.
I miss him with every ounce of my being, I think of every cross word I used with him, every time I was tired and snapped at him and am ashamed.
John should never have had to endure that at all, but he still loved me no matter what.I have to learn to live with that but he was and always will be my husband who I loved more than anything.
Thank you all again,
CharleneDearest Iris,
I lost my husband 1 week and 2 days ago, I know what you are going through.
Please just kiss him and hold him and tell him how much you love him. Let him go surrounded by your complete love.
I was with John every second as he was dying and telling him continually how much I loved him, telling him to let go and let the angels take him home.
I am grieving but I know John left this world knowing without a doubt in his mind how much I loved him.
I lost my mate but I know I have not lost his love. I can feel him with me when I am hurting so bad I want to scream.
We are all in the same boat here and it’s true when we say we love each other. We are here for you.
Charlene
Thank you all for being here for me. Teresa, as hard it was to lose John it must make my pain as nothing to losing a child. I’m so sorry.
I am so incredibly overwhelmed with the pain and I don’t know how to manage it.
I lay in bed and think about what I should be doing and just can’t get up to do it. I try and read or watch tv and find myself reliving Johns final breath over and over again. I don’t want this to be happening. I want the pain to stop but I know it will take time but I also know that every minute is an eternity right now.
I’m so lonely, even when everyone comes over, I am alone with my grief for no one really can understand what is happening to you unless they have been there. I just cry and try to stop hurting.
CharleneMaryanne,
This is the worse day ever for me. John has withered away to nothing but belly tumors. He’s become incontinent and has to wear diapers.
Last night he got up because he had a bm and I was so tired it didn’t wake me. What did wake me was when he came back in the room naked and freezing to try and put a new diaper on himself.
Oh my God why won’t God take him and put him out of his misery? He’s wasted away so much that he was complaining it hurt to sit in the recliner. I looked and his entire buttocks are gone, he just has skin hanging and no fat.
I have been crying all day. I want my John to be out of pain! I don’t understand how a God says he loves us then allows this to happen to someone. I don’t think I can hang on much longer. I just want to scream and cry and howl with the pain.
I don’t care about me, all I want is John to BE OUT OF PAIN!
CharleneDearest Tonia,
Never feel guilty. You are your Grandmothers Angel. You do what you must to protect her and follow her wishes.
I too know the anguish of having family members fighting about everything.
I suggest you talk to your Grandmother about doing a will. That will settle everything for everyone.My Husband John is near death. He is only 53 and he fought a long 3 year battle with every kind of tratment available BUT every one was worse than the cancer.
He finally sat up a few weeks ago and said he couldn’t do it anymore. The treatments were creating such unbelievable pain he just could not take even one more day of chemo.If your Grandmother doesn’t want treatment she MUST be listened to. It is her choice to do what she feels is best for her. This is her life and she has the right to choose no treatment.
God bless you. There seems to always be one person in everyones life who steps up and decides to be the caretaker. I want you to know you will be blessed for doing this. You and your Grandmother will grow closer and closer as time goes on. Cherish every minute you have with her for you will come to learn a valuable lesson in caring for her and in her passing.
With all my love and hugs,
CharleneHi,
We had to go back to the ER yesterday. Johns heart started racing again, but the Dr. got it under control and has him on meds to keep it at the right speed.The Hospice nurse came again today and we finally got all the papers signed so John is officially in Hospice. They’re so great to both of us. We’re both at peace with his passing now and are just going to spend what time we have left together in our house in Alabama.
We bought the house to retire in but since that’s not going to happen, we will go there and just be together until he’s gone.
I want you to know that the Hospice team has finally got his pain level to 0-2 at all times. I thank God for that!
I’ll keep in touch with you all. I love each one of you for your support and prayers. You’re all Gods Angels
Charlene
Dearest Mary Anne,
I know what you are going through but just a different side of things.
John refuses to SEE himself. He’s so thin and weak, refuses to stop trying to drive, ( We had a BIG discussion today ) and says he is getting better everyday. I really think he may be losing his sense of reality.
Your Joe is doing like my Mom when she was dying. She too started to detach. I really think Joes way is the better way. I say to you…show your love every minute, don’t push Joe anymore for treatment. If he starts to feel better he may want to start treatment again. Maybe he is just tired of this fight and is looking forward to the peace that is ahead of him. Let him know it’s ok to go.
I’m the first born and my Mom died soon after she called me to her bedside and tried to apologize for not being a Beaver Cleaver Mom. She had a lot to get off her soul and heart. I told her there was no reason to apologize and as far as we were concerned she had nothing to feel guilty about. I actually told her it was ok for her to go, that we would be fine and we loved her with every ounce of our being.
I send you all the love I can and the strength to let Joe go if that is what he needs to do.
Charlene
Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. We see Johns Dr. on Wed. I emailed her and explained what John was going through. She was so wonderful, she told me that even if John insisted to continue with treatment and in her opinion it would be even more detrimental to his health, she would not treat him but insist on counseling and hospice.
I hope for the best and am prepared for the worst.
God bless each and everyone on this board.
With all my love,
CharleneWe see the Dr. on 9/3 and I’m going to insist he go into hospice. She wanted him there when we saw her last time but John insisted on trying the Tarceva.
My Mom died of cancer and he is showing the same signs as she did at the end.
Talking about things that make no sense, losing weight, (another 7 pound in 2 weeks), forgetting when he took his meds,( I’ve taken over that job)
and no energy to do anything longer than 4-5 minutes at a time.He’s so afraid to die that he thinks going into hospice will kill him quicker but I have to make him realize the benefits. They will supply a bed and everthing else he needs to make him as comfortable as possible. He has to come out of denial. He says he’s going to be the first person to be cured.
Jeff if he still refuses I will have him talk to you. I am Amazed with all you’re dealing with yourself you would have any energy to try and help this way.
You are definately going to Heaven.With all the love, gratatude and best wishes for all,
CharleneHi RANK,
John has the exact same problem, EXTREME GAS AND BURPING. Somtimes he sounds like a machine gun it’s so bad.
What are you using for this? We’re using GasX but it only helps a bit.The Dr. said that wasn’t a known side effect. Guess it is now.
I’m so happy your Dad is stable because that’s exactly what Tarceva is supposed to do. I hope it helps John because his Dr. also wanted him in hospice.
John has been fighting cc since Feb. 2005 and it’s been an up and down battle everyday. I am constantly amazed by his courage and determination to keep going no matter what. The last CT showed his existing tumors had grown A LOT and he has alot of new tumors in the liver and one very large one in the pancreas.
Give your Dad my love and prayers.
CharleneDearest Sophie,
Don’t ever think God would be disappointed in you. He made us, He gave us all our feelings and He understands.
When my Mom died of cancer I actually thought “Why wasn’t it my Dad”.
He is a terrible person. My Mom was like you, she raised us (4) by herself,
working two jobs to keep us in a home and fed. We were very poor but happy.I hate this cancer, When I see older couples together I just cry because John and I will never have that time growing old together but I try to let him know how much I love him everyday.
What you’re going through is normal! Why wouldn’t ANYONE feel the way you do. Only Jesus was perfect.
We ALL love and care for you and grieve for what you are going through.
Our prayers surround you and I pray that God sends his angels to hold and comfort you.Charlene
Hurrah, finally some good news for someone. I’m so happy for you.
I went to the tarceva site and it says its to be used with cisplatain not just by itself. It also stated it was for first treatment of cancer of the pancreas!?
Our oncologist has John taking only the tarceva. I don’t know if it is helping or not, he’s having stomach pains also so that must be a side effect.
We also just found out after all these years that John should be on a grease free diet, you would think that someone would have told us that instead of telling him to eat whatever he wanted.
I look at my love and just pray he goes peacefully in his sleep.
My prayers go out to all,
Charlene
