jclegg

Hello Everyone,
I meant to write yesterday, but yesterday was a “down” day – it was very depresses. I went to work on Friday, but yesterday it rained all day, and I didn’t even get everthing on my list done – just couldn’t. This morning I am going to church, and this afternoon some boys from the youth groups are coming over to rake my leaves – Butch asked them to, before he left us! I have hurt my shoulder, so can’t this year.
I was amazed to read about all the electrical things going wrond, lights on and off, etc. That is EXACTLY what has happened to me!! In fact, about a week before Butch passed on, he told me that if there was a way to get word back to me that he “got home safe”, he would do it – didn’t know if he could, he said – everybody trys it and you don’t here about many successes, but he would try – didn’t know what he would do, either – lights on and off, ect. – depended on what was available. I reminded him of that promise – once on the last day. Well, the night he passed, the jockey outside where our lawn light is went out for the night shortly after he died. It is on a timer from 7 till 11:00 PM – it goes on and off at that time every other night. That night, my cousin looked out at 9:15 and it was on – she sid “I always think that jockey light is someone turning in to your driveway, so we KNOW itwas on. He passes around 9:20 and we called hospice. When she looked out because she though hospice had pulled in, it was around 10 – jocky was out and didn’t come back on that night. It was fine the next night, and every night since. Many other strange things have happened, and things like the garage door openers are still acting up. Butch didn’t wear his watch for quite awhile before he passed on, but when I cleaned out his dresser, I looked at the watch – it is stopped at 9:20! I think we can all safely say that our loved ones let us know that they “got home sfely”, and are watching over us.
I forget to tell you about Flashy. That night, both Flash and I were sitting on Butch’s bed – Flash with his head on Butch’s stomach. When the spirit left Butch’s body, Flash jumped up, howled and yelled and ran barking for the sliding glass doors – he wanted OUT, scratching on the doors, etc. Since that day, he has never looked for Butch – he is sd and he KNOWS hew is gone.
I was tending to feel that divorce was better than separation by death – I have been thru both – my prior marriage ended in divorce – but they are both truly awful – death is just final. Also, at the end of the marriage that ended in divorce, I was emotionally distanced from him, and that helped a bit – I just miss Butch so much – this sadness is much deeper.
I know what you mean about the kitchen chair – I have moved over to his chair – that seems to help a bit – at least I am not looking at his empty chair! I am so glad I have you three to communicate with – you are all brave, wonderful souls, and we will continue along this journey together. I gain a lot of insight when I read these postings, we – the 4 of us – are a composite of bereaved spouses everywhere, and what we are going through has been gone through by millions upon millions of people since time began. I tell myself this when I get desparately sad – that we will get through this just like they all did. It helps me to put it in perspective. It IS amazing to me how similar events are amongst us.
I know what you all mean about talking to people – some people get that “deer in the headlights” look if we head for that subject. I know a couple of people who have lost their husbands (and wives, actually), and they seem to be able to deal with this just fine – know what to say, what not to say. etc. You DO Just learn who you can say things to, and who you can’t.

I hope everyone has a good day – we should look forward to a time when the good days outnumber the bad days.

Joyce

Same routine for me usually – except tonight – I am reading this at 11:30 – very late. I wake up each morning at 5:00 – take a pill to go back to sleep! I will go for the cyber coffee also – actually, I would like some cyber chai tea. I am luckyto have my dog to cuddle up with at night. I would love to get back into the book I was reading, or – my embroidery, but I just can’t. I have the attention span of a knat. I am going back to work Friday – after a 7 month LOA – I can’t imagine how I am going to do this, but I must try. During the day I usually make myself a list and try to accomplish something on it each day – sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. I also have a list of things I want to do in the upcoming months/years – like take a yoga class, learn to speak Spanish, become a literacy volunteeer, etc. Maybe that will motivate me to do something – so far – it hasn’t worked, but – you never know! As you can see, I am big on lists.

Love – Joyce

Pauline and Darla,
It helps me so much that you have shared your experiences with us. In the weeks preceeding Butch’s passing, when he was on hospice, I was reading your entries each day, knowing that I would soon be joining you. And now I read sue’s posting and feel such empathy with her also. It does help to be communicating with other people who have travelled the same path that Butch and I did. This whole thing is still sort of surreal. I know what you mean about pictures. I have our wedding picture on the dressor in the bedroon, and I kiss him goodnight each night before I go to sleep. Our poor dog – we have a 5 year old Italian greyhound named “Flash”, and he is so sad. He spent more time with Butch than me, as Butch was retired and home during the day. He was with us on the bed (we had the hospital bed set up in the living room) when Butch passed away. He jumped up, howling, and ran to the door barking – wanted out of the house! He has never looked for him – just knows that he is gone, and mopes around, with sad eyes. He wouldn’t even eat for a few days – he is a little better now. I am so glad I have him – he and I are mourning together. He is getting a LOT of attention from me, I can tell you, and he sticks pretty close to me these days. Dogs seem to have this sense, and they know things that we can’t figure out how they know them, don’t they?
Going to church did help, once I was there. I have never gone to our church without Butch, so that was traumatic (a big “first”). For now, I have to skip the going out to breakfast which we always did after church. Eventually, I would like to be able to go out to breakfast myself, but am not up to it yet.
Thank you so much for being here for me. Somehow, it helps to just write this down, and get it out. I have always been an independant person, with a great career that i will be returning to. Imagine – I can’t even go to breakfast alone – Butch would laugh at me.

Love – Joyce