jmoneypenny

Welcome Noreen,

I’m a New Yorker and I had great experience with Long Island Jewish Hospital. It was for my stepfather’s lung cancer, not cc, but the doctors and staff and hospital itself were very caring and professional and took great care of my stepfather. Of course, Memorial Sloan Kettering, if it’s closer, is considered the best — but sometimes there’s more of a wait when the place has such a great reputation.

Lots of love to you and your uncle,

Joyce M.

Dear Emily,

I used to be a regular on this board, but I’ve been avoiding it for the past few months. Now I see your posts and I wish I had been here to tell you my experiences, since your mom went through a lot of what my mom went through, and maybe we could have helped each other. Then again, maybe it’s better that I didn’t bring you down. My mom was diagnosed November 15, 2006 and she died on January 22, 2007 — in 2 short months she was gone. I now know that ascites that spread to the thighs means the liver/kidneys are not working, and it’s’ the beginning of the end.

I am so sorry that our mothers had to suffer like they did. Mine was young (64) but yours is even younger. What a terrible loss. I just wanted you to know that I cried as I read your posts, and I know a lot of what you’re feeling. I know you feel so alone and like no one can possibly understand — and it’s true, nobody can know the depth of the bond you shared with your mother. My mother was also my best friend, my confidante, my soulmate, my mother and father and sister all rolled into one – and my only sibling, a sister, is just in denial and hasn’t grieved at all and just stays cheerful. So I know what it’s like to grieve alone, and I know I have “complicated grief” because I was so very close to my mother. Please know that the pain may not necessarily go away (it hasn’t for me) but it gets more bearable with time. You will think of your mom every day, every hour, but maybe not every minute, and not with that pain in your chest that makes you think you cannot breathe or go on. IT’s hard to offer words of comfort when I know you’re hurting so very badly, but if you ever want to talk, I am here and I will listen and commiserate.

I also had questions about how to deal with my young child’s attachment to my mother. My daughter had just turned 4 when my mother died, and she spent at least 3 days a week with my mother and ADORED her (preferred her over ME, really). It took about 2 months for my daughter to accept that Grandma was really GONE, but she still didn’t really accept it. She started acting out, having tantrums, looking for my mother. My broken heart was even more shattered. I can recommend some books (for you and for your daughter) if you like. I wound up taking my daughter to a pediatric psychologist (talk therapy, no drugs) for 6 months, and it helped a lot. But to this day my daughter avoids mention of my mother — and sometimes I catch her caressing the photo of my mother that I have displayed in the living room. The only thing that kept me going was my daughter — and I know that you are trying to be strong for your child, too. I keep my mother’s memory alive and every Christmas and birthday, my daughter gets a gift from “Grandma Fifi.” I also show her the jewelry that she will inherit when she’s old enough and I always wear my mother’s ring.

Sorry for the long post — I was so touched by your posts that I had to reach out to you. I understand if you don’t want to talk or even think about it, since everyone has their own coping mechanism. But I’m here if you need an ear. I’m here if you’re angry, depressed, denying, positive or negative. My last piece of advice is to surround yourself with other people who loved your mother; though they may not have loved her as much as you do, you can talk about her and keep her alive in your memory and not feel so alone. It’s terrible to be around people who are uncomfortable and won’t even mention your mother’s name anymore, as if she never existed.

I wish you some measure of peace in these hard days ahead, and my heart breaks for you in sympathy.

Joyce M

I am in shock and denial and I am heartbroken over this news — and I didn’t even know Kris personally! Hans, my heart goes out to you, and to your family and Kris’s family and, of course, to the cats. She touched me as she touched everyone on this board and she made us laugh out loud and root for her and weep for her. I can only say that she packed more love, laughter, living and zest into her short life than most people could do in two lifetimes. What a loss for us, for her family and friends, and for humanity. If there is a tribute page for her, it would be wonderful if her cc friends here could let the world know how much she changed our lives with her humor, her support, and her love. I don’t mean this in a morbid way, but Kris will NEVER rest in peace — she will rock everyone’s world in heaven or wherever she is now — and she will make the angels laugh and sing.

I’m so so sorry for our loss.

Joyce M

Dear Gavin
So sorry to hear about your dad. You and your mom are in my thoughts. Your dad seemed like such a funny yet dignified person – I feel I knew him through your posts. I wish you some peace in the rough days ahead.
Joyce M

Dear Sandy,
I am so sorry for your loss – believe me, I understand your bitterness – it’s perfectly fine to express it here. You’ve undergone a huge loss, and it happened to quickly, and he was so young. It just seems so unfair.

You’re in my thoughts and I wish you some peace in the midst of your grief.

Joyce M

Elicia,
So sorry for the loss of your mother. Please try not to second-guess your decisions (though we all do it) – as others said, there are no right answers with this cancer. My mother also had tumors just in the liver, but there were so many of them, and it’s considered metastasis Stage IV if it’s in the liver, so it usually IS completely hopeless. My mother tried chemo and I believe it hastened her death, so really, you never do know. But she wouldn’t have last that long, anyway – once the liver is afflicted that heavily, there usually is not much time. My mother lasted two months after diagnosis.

You are a WONDERFUL and CARING daughter and I’m sure your mother told you how much she loved you, in actions if not in words. You did the best you possibly could, and she loved you for it.

Joyce M

Hi – Just my two cents, as a fellow animal lover:
Kris’s suggestion about rescue organizations for specific breeds is a great one.
Also, I don’t know if they still work as well as they used to, but you can put an ad in Petfinder.org – I fostered a dog and my allergies made it impossible for me to keep her and I felt guilty giving her back to the animal rescue place, so I found her a beautiful home with a sweet grandma through Petfinder. The dog was very skittish and shy and sweet and I found the perfect match for her and I’m still so thrilled about it. You might want to check it out — though I do hope you can keep them! Even though they’re elderly, there are people out there (my sister and best friend are 2 such people) who purposely adopt older animals because they’re usually the last ones to get adopted.
Good luck!
Joyce M