jmoneypenny

Dear Irene,
My heart is breaking for you. I may not have the right words to comfort you, but I can say that I know some of what you’re going through, and if you need to vent – to me, to others on this board, to your close friends, to a therapist – then please do so, and I know you’ll always find a sympathetic/empathetic ear.

I can understand your feeling of hopelessness, and I know a grief like yours won’t go away by tomorrow, but it’s important that you keep your spirits up so you can go through the surgery and fight this thing and fight to regain your health. You’re not ready to give up yet! If not for yourself, then for others in your life that you love and who love you – and for the memory of your mother.

I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m saying this to put you on a guilt trip – I’m just trying to give a little pep talk, though I know it probably doesn’t help much. I won’t try to diminish what you’re feeling by saying “snap out of it” because I know too well what grief does to you. So, like I said before, maybe it would help to talk about it — no solutions offered, no trite words, just a listening ear. Or you can write about it, as I sometimes do when I need to get something off my mind and make sense of it.

It’s a horrible thing that you’re going through right now and your feelings are perfectly valid – I would be screaming my head off at the injustice of it. But please consider going ahead with the surgery – you’ll feel even worse about everything if you just don’t do anything, I think.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was truly lucky to have a wonderful daughter like you, and I’m sure she knew it.
-Joyce M

I’m so sorry for your loss – all my sympathy to you and your family. Please feel free to keep coming here to chat if you need to.
Joyce M

All my sympathy to you and your family, Diane. Your husband was a brave man and won’t be forgotten.
-Joyce M

Hi Carrieann,
My heart goes out to you and your family. Your mother sounds so much like mine, I know some of what you’re going through. My mother didn’t want to hear about eating healthier, or alternative treatments either, just waited for the doctors to tell her what to do. She was also a strong, independent woman who wouldn’t ask for help or talk to anyone about her fears and didn’t want to know what my research turned up. YOUR mother, however, DOES have a fighting chance, which mine didn’t. Try to hold onto that, try to make her see that hope, if you can.

You sound like a wonderful daughter — you are doing everything you possibly can, but there’s no way you can force a person to eat their veggies, jog around the block, etc. She will do things her own way, and you can give her advice, but after a while, if she’s not going to listen, then you’ll just have to let her deal with this in her own way. You can do things like call insurance and doctors for her to try to speed the process along a bit (they took their sweet time with my mother, too, and I made a few of those exhausting calls), but it’s ultimately up to her to decide how she’s going to face this thing. It’s a tough call because she’s your mother and you don’t want to cross the line and force her to do things, so just being there and being ready to support her in whatever she needs is the most important thing you’re doing. It sounds like you’re doing just that, and bringing your son over to see her must make her feel so much better – I know it was the one bright spot in my mother’s last days to see my daughter.

I’m saying all this so you don’t feel guilty that you’re not doing enough, like forcing your mother to drink protein shakes — if she’s like my mother, she would adamantly refuse to even TRY something like that. And that’s her choice. My sister is still angry at my mother, because she thinks if my mother tried acupuncture and ate more healthily, she would still be here. No one really knows if it would have changed anything. I still think of ways I could have changed things, but I could never have changed my lovably stubborn mother, no matter how I tried. Some people are set in their ways and/or they are dealing with a very scary cancer and they seem to be unreasonable in their approach to it. I can’t even imagine how scary it must be for them — it was scary enough for ME as the caregiver. All we can do is try to guide them, tell them we love them, and show them we love them.
I always come out sounding so preachy and I hate it – I don’t mean to, I’m really empathizing with you and with your mother. I hope the financial burden is lessened, because that’s the last thing you need right now. And I hope your mother’s treatment protocol can be speeded up and it works wonderfully. She has so much to live for and I’m sure she loves you and appreciates you dearly.

Sorry I went into essay mode again – best of luck to you and your mother. Please keep us updated.
Joyce M

Dear Kara,
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace in this trying time. I know words can’t heal the hurt for you, but you have my sympathy.
Joyce M

I’m so sorry you’re going through this — have you looked into hospice yet? They can make a huge difference, and they usually offer counseling and clergypeople to help the patient AND the caregivers. I wish you all the best in this trying time-
Joyce M

Dear Patty,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds wonderful. I’m sure you’ll tell her youngest grandchildren all about her and they can know her a little that way = the others will remember her and her legacy will live on.
I wish you peace in this time of sorrow – I know that losing your mother is a heartwrenching pain. All my sympathies to you and your family.
Joyce M