marylloyd

Thank you friends. It is strange isn’t it how these things just hit you out of the blue. It’s usually when I’m alone for a day or two. I’ve had one of my kids living with me off and on (mainly on) since Tom’s death. When no one is around and I wander around this big house alone it just hits home how much I miss him and how much I always will! Especially this time of year. He loved Christmas! Memories just flood back.
Julie, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. It just shows though how long these emotions can be bottled up inside. I have always thought I’ve handled things well also, then find myself sobbing in the shower for no real reason. I really should feel happier than I do.Things are actually going very well for me on every level. That’s why I think I may just be crazy! I have a wonderful gentleman friend who is very sweet and I really enjoy his company. But I can’t help making comparisons and realize that I’m never going to have what I had before with Tom. It makes me more grateful for the years we had together. But life goes on and I know it will be okay.
Lainey!! That is so awful. I can’t imagine being bit once let alone three times! As dreary as Ohio can be at least we don’t have venomous critters! I hope you don’t have any lasting effects from the bites. I will be thinking of you today and I’m so glad you and Chuck have worked things out. Enjoy each others company!
I’m going to ring the bell for the Salvation Army on Thurs from 10-3. I’ll probably do it again next week. I’m also signing up and taking the training to become a hospice volunteer. I’m really looking forward to getting out and helping others. It will be therapy!
Take care all and thank-you for your friendship. We’ve been together a long time and shared a lot through the years! Love to all, Mary

I think it’s really good to get therapy and medication if you need it. I think a lot of people who could really benefit don’t seek help. Stress is a terrible thing. I actually feel less stressed than I did before Tom died. The stress of dealing with his illness and the inevitable outcome went on for over five years. I always hoped he would be cured but I always knew he probably wasn’t . It was not really a matter of whether he was going to die from this disease but when, how and where? Of course I could not imagine how awful it was going to be and how I was going to continue on. Since his death I almost feel numb a lot of the time. I don’t really get stressed about anything like I used to. I do get depressed and have to deal with that occasionally. I think I’ve dealt with things but I may be like you Lainey and held it in. I don’t really know. I’m trying to move on a little at a time. I hear Tom’s voice in my sleep sometimes calling my name in a way that is telling me to get it together! I always wake up thinking okay, I’ll quit moping around. Then I talk to a guy I’ve met on the phone, thinking I may try this dating thing again and I have very vivid dreams of Tom telling me he is leaving me for another woman. I wake up terribly upset. Wow. MY subconscious is feeling guilty. Things are just too complicated. Take care, Mary

Hi Lainey and Darla,
I think it’s being locked up inside that’s causing my “winter blues”. I’m sure you understand, Darla!! Lainey, you’re lucky to live in the warmth and sun! I hope all of your health issues resolve themselves. You have had to go through a lot of krap!! I’m very lucky to be very healthy. I was on Match.com for 3 weeks and went off. I did go on my first date Weds. after talking to the guy for weeks and it was very awkward. He seemed disappointed. I’ve lost 30 lbs. and thought I looked really good and after his initial reaction I kept thinking about Tom the whole time. If he had been standing there and saw me get out of the car after all of this time he would have said “Wow! Forget dinner, let’s go home!!” Lol ! Anyway, a lot of these guys think they’re God’s gift to women I guess! The good thing is I met another fellow for lunch on Friday and we had a very nice, intense conversation for 3 hours. I was almost late for an appointment we were talking so much. But we are just friends. His wife died 18 months ago and he’s got a long way to go. We enjoyed talking though and I think it was good for both of us. I know someone will eventually come along but I agree with my son re: the online dating. He says it’s soul crushing! No more blind dates for me!!
Take care, Lainey. I hope everything goes well with your tests. Darla we definitely have to just take baby steps. Stay warm up there in Wisconsin!
Love to you both, Mary

Thanks for all of your responses. It’s good to hear from all of you, ecspecially you, Hans. I’m glad you are still checking in with us. It really is hard to believe it’s been two years since Kris and Teddy left us. I miss them too and think about all of our lost friends often. I don’t necessarily want to wish my life away but there are times that I’m glad the time is flying. I have absolutely no fear of dying because I know I’ll see Tom again, my main fear is of being dependent on my kids. I’m really happy to be doing so well a month out from my surgery. It was so hard trying to arrange people to be here with me, mainly to take care of my crazy dog/pup. When you have a spouse you just take for granted the fact that someone is there to help you when you need it. When you’re alone it requires a lot of planning ahead. My parents want to help but they’re getting so old. My Dad is 86 but still wants to do what he can. I told them it’s crazy that I’m 55 and still have to check in with my parents or they worry about me! Who would have thought that things would turn out this way? Lainey, I would love to head out your way. One of these days I’m going to do it! I love your poem too. All of us that have lost a loved one share the same feelings. We all have different personal moments that we miss but we all share the feeling of loss and sadness. I’ve tried to tell other new widows that it does get easier. They look at me in disbelief sometimes just like I probably did a year ago when I was told the same thing, but it honestly does. The memories help get you through the tough days. I’m so happy that I am lucky enough to have so many good memories. My kids and I laugh a lot when we think of all the corny things Tom used to say. I actually hear myself saying them sometimes and it makes me laugh! Take care everyone and Pamela and Betsy I would still like to get together sometime. I hope everyone is doing well. I still don’t have a computer or internet so I have a hard time keeping up with all the news here. Best wishes to all. Love Mary