marylloyd
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Thanks for the response Lainey and the laugh, although I’m worried about you and your health issues. Sorry you couldn’t go on your trip. Exactly what is going on with your UC? I’m not familiar with that disease at all. You are exactly right about comparing everyone to Teddy and Tom. That is exactly the problem and probably always will be. I’m really not in the dating mode yet. That’s why I don’t want anyone to even ask. I have my own plan and timetable set. It may or may not happen as planned, time will tell! My single son says dating is a minefield! He’s been broken up with a long time girlfriend for 18 months and he hasn’t found anyone serious yet. Just cuddlebuddies- that’s what he calls them! I honestly can’t imagine!! Take care Lainey! I hope you feel better soon. Do you have to stay on the prednisone or is it just temporary? Talk to you soon. Love, Mary
That’s pretty cute Lainey. I never used that one before but I think he was definitely putting the ‘moooves” on me. Anyway about this dating business. I I really am not ready. I’ve had two guys “hitting?” on me this week. One actually asked me out. They seem too old. Tom was 9 years older than me but he seemed and looked a lot younger. I never liked dating back in the old days. I was so glad to meet and fall in love with Tom. I just can’t imagine going through all of that again!! Its too soon anyway but when I do feel ready I just hope I find someone I really like and that’s it. Wishful thinking I’m sure. Have you found anyone interesting yet? It would be nice to just have someone to go places with and have fun. Take care, Mary
Hi Lainey,
Tom has been quiet lately too. The first 6 months we had some really strange things happening. The only explanation was that he was causing them- I still feel that way. I had to make a decision about whether to sell my farm a few weeks ago. That caused me a lot of stress. I decided that I couldn’t. Tom and I first saw each other right here on our farm. He was walking along the road in his knee high gum boots, shirtless, with cut off bib overalls , his wild black curls bouncing, tanned and I thought pretty sexy!. I drove by in my little blue honda civic and we kind of gave each other a good look. I had just moved back to my parents home on the neighboring farm and a few days later he showed up as I was getting home from work and asked if I had seen his cows. A few were supposedly missing. I said no but that we would let him know if we did. He called me that night and asked me out! That was 33 years ago. Our thirty second anniversary would have been this Friday. Since making the decision to stay put I actually have felt a lot better about things. I know he is probably trying to tell me I’m crazy, but I just can’t move. Our entire life together was spent here, from the beginning to the end. Anyway, this place gives me lots of projects and right now thats a good thing. I feel like I’ve rounded a corner where I can actually see the future and feel like I’m going to be alright. I’m having my surgery on November 6. Then I’ll have twogood knees and maybe be able to keep up with my pup! She drags me around now.
Take care Lainey. I know your are doing fine and Teddy knows that too! I do miss all of the flashing lights etc. but I do think it makes it harder to move ahead. Maybe that why our boys have quieteddown. I think Teddy taught Tom all of his tricks!! I’ll talkto you soon. Love MaryHi Jilly and all of above,
I, like Nancy, considered myself to be a young widow at 54 when my husband of 32 years passed away in November. My oldest son , who is 28 lived with me until this past Friday. I’m actually really ready to live alone and move on as much as possible now. I was glad to have his company and he helped me with my business this first year without my husband but I feel it’s time. This is the first I’ve lived alone for over 33 years and it seems very strange. I appreciate the article above. It has some really good advice. Personally, I have set myself goals that I want to achieve and listed projects to finish to keep myself busy. Keeping busy seems to be the best medicine for my loneliness. I have a new 4 1/2 month old shepherd puppy so I spend a lot of time walking and playing with her and that helps with my goal of wanting to lose weight, plus she is very entertaining and a good companion. I am having knee surgery the end of October so I’m going to try and get my house totally cleaned before that. I was waiting for my son to move out before I started that chore. I know I’ll feel better when I accomplish that. Then, when I recover from my surgery and get through the holidays I’m going to make a conscious effort to become more social. I’m not sure exactly what that entails but I’m going to do some volunteer work maybe start going to church again, join some groups, maybe even go on a date. Who knows? I just know I don’t want to sit by myself night after night for the next 25-35 years? so I have to make the effort myself. I know it will be really hard, I actually cry quite often when I even think about dating etc., I just want my Tom back but since that isn’t going to happen I know I have to try and move on. We’ll all get through this in our own way. I have two brothers that lost their wives in the past 4 1/2 years. One started dating pretty quickly, before he really had a chance to grieve and that caused him some problems. He has a new girlfriend now that he is serious about. My other brother lost his wife 2 years ago and kept saying he wasn’t interested in dating but ran into an old high school friend a few weeks ago and she obviously changed his mind! I just believe things will happen when they are meant to. We just have to be patient. Everyone take care. I hope we can all find happiness again. Best wishes, MaryMy boys went to a nearby lake to hang out together the night Tom died. They saw several huge meteors while they were there. They talked about it at his funeral. I know it was him letting them know he was alright and glad they were all together. Thanks for the beautiful poem. It says what we are all feeling. There is so much to deal with…..it seems overwhelming most of the time. I wish Tom was here, every minute of every day. Mary
Dear Janet,
I too am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a little over 7 months ago and I’d like to tell you that it gets easier by now but I really can’t. This walk is a rollercoaster ride just like the disease process was. Some days are better than others. Someone told me I had to find my new groove, I kind of like that phrase rather than having to redefine myself. I will always feel like Tom Lloyd’s wife whether he is here or not. I don’t like being a widow, I doubt if I ever will and unless you’ve experienced what we have others can’t truly understand what we’re going through. Usually other women say I can’t imagine what you are going through and I say no you really can’t. I thought I could imagine how hard it was going to be, I had over five years to contemplate it, but it is so much harder than I ever imagined. I miss him more every day. Right now you are just in the beginning stages of your grief. I was doing pretty well at your stage, I think most of us do because there is so much activity and people are still actively involved with you. But as Lainey said the dynamics change and people move on and expect us to move on too. That is much easier said than done. I have a lot of physical work to do with my business (farming) and I think that is a blessing and a curse. I think staying busy is very important and staying active physically is the best. I got a new puppy so I have been taking her for long walks everyday and it’s been very therapeutic. I’ve been thinking about yoga, too. We all have to cope in what ever way works for us. Like you said, we have no choice! The only, only, good thing about this new groove is that I can eat or not eat whatever I want. One hot night in May after a hard day in the greenhouses I told my daughter that I ran to the store and got chocolate mint ice cream and Corona for supper. She said what did you do, make a float? I thought that was pretty funny but hey, if I had wanted to I could of. I haven’t lived alone for over 32 years, so it seems so strange to be able to just go and do things without anyone knowing what you’re doing, where you’re going ,etc.
I hope you find your new groove too. It will take time. Just know you have friends here that honestly do know what you are going through! Take care of yourself, MaryPam,
If you need something you should definitely get something. I wish I had taken something at times last year because I felt so stressed and over-burdened that I know I sometimes took it out on Tom or at least let him see that I was stressed and exhausted which just made him feel worse. I was also having menopausal symptoms so I was probably even more emotional than normal and in a lot of pain from my knee issues. After his death I took his ativan to help sleep and it really did help me sleep and cope better during the day. I don’t take anything now, just tylenol PM sometimes but I really recommend that you get something for your’s and Lauren’s sake. I’m sure she hates to see you stressed out. You can’t help it, I know, believe me!! You’re dealing with so much, it’s hard to keep it together all the time. None of us are superhuman that’s for sure. You feel like you need to be sometimes but there’s really only so much you can handle. Take care, I hope to meet you soon! MaryDear Steve,
We all understand what you are going through. I just had knee replacement surgery three weeks ago after losing my husband in November and I totally agree that not having the support and care of your spouse after all of these years of being there for one another is a very scary realization. I too am lucky to have my children help me but it makes me incredibly sad and feel so lonely to think that I could grow old and be totally dependent on them. My parents are 83 and 86 and still able to help care for each other. I always wanted my life to be like theirs. Everyone says it will get easier with time but I feel worse now than I did 2 months ago. I guess the numbness is wearing off and reality is smacking me in the face. This whole nightmare is real and not going away!! I wish I could give you advice to help you in your grief but I really don’t know anything to say except that I understand and hope all of us that are grieving the loss of a loved one can find happiness and peace sometime in the future. Take care, MaryI honestly can say I don’t have any real regrets or guilt concerning Tom’s care. I feel that I did every thing I possibly could often under very trying and exhausting circumstances. I do wish we had been a little more proactive re: his rising tumor markers. Because they couldn’t see anything on the scans we just didn’t want to worry too much, so the Drs. kind of followed our lead. I suppose he should have started chemo a year ago and that might have given him more time without too many complications. He was never too eager to try chemo though so I’m not sure he would have agreed to it. He was glad to be at home at the end. I know he appreciated all that I and the kids did for him in order to keep him comfortable. He was pretty confused the last week so I’m not sure what he was really aware of. I know he wasn’t in pain so that was wonderful. One other thing I may have done differently would be to call hospice earlier. He really wasn’t ready to have them take over and I wasn’t really educated about their services. If I had known they would order meds that would have helped with his hiccups and gasping I would have had them there a week earlier. His quality of life was so much better once they took over. Mary
Jenny and CM,
I know how both of you are feeling. I too cry at night and in the morning and whenever the urge hits me. Some days are better than others. I have always been a little skeptical of our loved ones being able to communicate with us but I have honestly had two experiences since my husbands death in November that tell me he is stiil here with us in some form. I feel comforted by that. One night about two weeks ago my son was riding his bike late at night on a local bike trail and decided to lay on a bench and he fell asleep. I heard Tom calling me, just the way he always did if he needed me for something and it brought me right out of a deep sleep at 1:30 in the AM. That was about the time Morgan laid on the bench. I swear it was Tom warning me that something was wrong. I got up and checked Morgan’s room and he wasn’t home but it wasn’t too cold out so I didn’t worry too much. Obviously Tom was. The other night he came to me very clearly in a dream and asked me if I wanted to hold his hand or have him hold mine to help my broken heart. I think a lot about holding his hand, he had very big, strong hands and somehow he knew how much I missed doing that. Anyway, we must all find our way in our new lives. It surely isn’t easy and I try to put up a brave front too but sometimes it’s just not possible. I hope we all can find peace and comfort in time and be able to think of our loved ones without the tears. Take care of yourselves and know that there are friends here to share your grief and problems with. Love, MaryHi Lainey,
I hope I didn’t sound too pathetic. I’m glad you told me your brother-in-law was able to drive. I’ll have a driver for two weeks and I already told my Doc I had to be able to hobble to my greenhouses by week three so I’m sure I’ll be fine and mobile. I really don’t have a choice! It’s funny isn’t it, but I honestly don’t think I really looked at myself for the past year and a half, since Tom became really sick. What a surprise when you finally take a look! Where did all the gray hair, which I hide of course, and wrinkles come from? I guess we’ve all earned them for sure.
I have to tell you the rest of the story from Tom calling my name the other night. I was sound asleep. I take Tylenol PM to help me sleep and for my knee pain. My youngest son Morgan, the adventurer, had decided to go for a night time bike ride to his friend’s house about 10 miles away. He rides on a bike trail that goes through some pretty remote areas. He told me he would be home around midnight and it wasn’t a very cold night so I didn’t worry too much. Around 1:30 or 2 Tom’s voice woke me right up. I actually sat up in be in a panic like I used to. Then I decided to go check and see if Morgan was home yet. He wasn’t. It turns out that he was tired and decided to lay down on one of the benches along the trail, probably right about the same time Tom spoke to me and he fell asleep. He got home around 5 and told me where he had been and I couldn’t believe it. I honestly think Tom was worried about him and tried to tell me something was wrong. He was dressed warm enough and it wasn’t very cold, plus he’s climbed mountains and camped out all over but we still worry all the time and that was Tom’s way of telling me.It’s actually very comforting because I told Tom I wanted him to be our kids guardian angel if he could. We always felt his mother was his. So I’m a believer too.
I will tell you how things go next week with the support group. I’ll probably end up just going once. It’s just good to talk to someone. My oldest son does go to counseling through the VA and my daughter goes too because she’s had so many miscarriages and now lost her Dad. They never really say whether it helps or not. Everybodies different. I think I will be a lot better once Spring is here and I’m busy again and have people around. These Ohio winters last forever! Take care and have a great weekend! Love, MaryLainey,
I didn’t want to take over Hans’ post so I hope you read this. I’m sorry you’re feeling so poorly.I hope you get better soon! It’s funny that you wrote what you did about how taking care of yourself is helping to not miss Teddy so much. Just before Tom died my daughter commented that she had been looking through pictures before Tom’s cancer and after and that it had obviously taken a toll on me. She didn’t mean it to be negative, it was obvious the last few months in particular, that I was totally wiped out and hadn’t had time to worry about my own health let alone my looks. Since, I’ve actually been sleeping a lot more ( with help). In fact probably too much but I don’t want to be awake when it’s dark and that is hard this time of year. I’ve been doing a little shopping, bought some new makeup, had my hair styled for a change, lost some weight and bought a few new outfits. I really just wanted to be out of the house and doing something but I feel better and actually have had people comment how good I look! I must have really looked bad! HA! Anyway, I was dealing with things a little better because I was preoccupied with a new project, me! I also wallpapered my dining room and am trying to get some cleaning done. The last few days though I’ve been a mess. I’ve had to go to Drs. and get an MRI and X-ray for my knee surgery and I sit in the waiting room with couples and it makes me so sad and sorry for myself that Tom isn’t here to help me through all of this. I hate depending on my kids. My boys are still with me but Morgan is going back to Thailand two weeks after my surgery and Aaron finally got a job so will be gone quite a bit and and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to drive 30 miles with a bad right knee to PT three times a week after Morgan leaves. It’s crazy. I hate having to deal with this. I know all of you are in the same boat and it’s really hard! My boys were fighting with each other yesterday and I just started crying. I told them I just wanted my old life back. I want their Dad to be here helping me and working with me and I don’t want to depend on them. At least that calmed them down and made them behave a little better. They’ve actually been doing pretty good considering the fact they’ve both been on their own for years and are back living with Mom under the same roof! I actually took a happy pill yesterday because I couldn’t get it together.
I’m glad you feel Teddy with you. I have dreams about Tom, we’re always doing something together but I”ve never really felt he was trying to communicate until last night. About 1:30 AM I heard his voice call my name. It was the same way he always did when something was wrong- he was really sick or his drain was leaking, etc. I woke right up in a panic and it took a few seconds to realize it was a dream. I just layed there trying to feel his presence but that was it. I’m hoping when I have surgery and am under anesthesia I’ll have some kind of experience with him that I will remember.
I’m going to a hospice support group next week. They’re having a six week session starting Thurs. so I’m going to give it a try. I feel like it may help. We’ll see. Take care of yourself. I hope you get well soon. Thanks for all of your support! I really appreciate it. Love, MaryHans,
I loved Kris so much, for her humor, her enthusiasm, her friendliness, her love of life and most of all for her hope. It helped so many others here. The world isn’t the same without her. We miss her so much too. I lost my husband Tom in November and I now understand the pain more than I could ever imagine before. My world will never be the same without him. Right now I too seem to embrace the pain at times and keep things to myself but I have hope that in a year things will also be better. If not better at least “lighter”. I’m glad you continue to post. Please continue to do so ,so we know how you are doing. Best wishes to you, MaryThanks Marion and Lainey. I love that story Lainey. The other day my brother-in-law’s girlfriend told me she had a dream about Tom. She said me and the kids were raking our yard and cleaning it all up in order to spread his ashes. She was there and she looked up and saw Tom. She said, “hey Tom, what’s heaven like?” He said ” its wonderful!!” He ALWAYS said “I’m wonderful” whenever anyone asked. She said she just heard his voice saying it like he always did. Of course I broke up but I was glad to hear it and hope it’s true. I hope I have dreams like that. So far I really haven’t. I’ve had dreams about him but we’re usually young and doing wierd things. Not realistic like that. I’ll be okay. I just got some mail from hospice telling about their support groups and social activities. I’ll probably check some of them out. I dread Feb. because I’m having my right knee replaced and I’ll be stuck at home for weeks before I can drive. Right now I just get in the car and go somewhere if I get depressed. I’m not much of a shopper but I’m actually enjoying that right now. I went to the dollar store yesterday and found all kinds of cool things I didn’t have and needed! HA! I just have to stick to the dollar stores. I also bought some wallpaper for my dining room but my kids unanimously hated it so I’m taking it back today. Have a great weekend everyone. I appreciate all of your love and support. Mary
I just came across this posting and am grateful for reading it. First, Margaret and Lainey I hope you are feeling better. I’m sorry you both are going through so much. Secondly, thank-you Marion for reposting your beautiful comments. I remember the Macks and their extreme grief and it terrified me to think I would be going through that one day myself. I’ve made it through what was once unimaginable and now I feel like everyone did or does early on, just numb.I believe I even said the same thing to Tom. That I didn’t know how to function knowing he would be gone. He just said that I had to, there wasn’t any choice. I look at Tom’s picture and think of our life together and wonder how in the world I’m going to live maybe 20 – 25? years without him in my life. I actually wish I was 20 years older so it wouldn’t be so long until I would see him again. When he was first diagnosed I told my mother I didn’t want to be a widow at 48! I still don’t want to be at 54 but I am and I have to deal with all of these firsts as Marion said. Just an hour or so before he passed my boys had gone outside to get some air. He had been nonresponsive for several hours but I hugged him and cried that I would miss him forever and that my heart was breaking. He actually tried to respond. I know he heard me, but then I told him that he needed to let go and be in peace. That we would be alright. That we loved him and wanted him to not suffer anymore. My boys came back in and a few minutes later he let go. I hope he is having a big party and looking over all of us. I hope I will be with him again. That is the only thing really keeping me sane right now. Love to all, Mary
