pamela

Hi Gigi,

I am dealing with the same feelings you are, except it was my 27 year old daughter, Lauren that passed away June 9, 2013. Grief can be so exhausting at times, can’t it? I have found that keeping Lauren’s memory alive helps me. My husband, Mark, and I meet at the cemetery every day after he gets off work. We have two folding chairs (mine is a rocker) and we sit by Lauren’s grave and talk about our day and about Lauren. Some days I cry like a baby when I am there and other days I am ok. I made a photo album of Lauren that we can look at whenever we miss her. We talk about her all the time. When Lauren was sick, we wore wristbands that said Hope & Pray for LPK. I just ordered and received new wristbands that are bright green with hot pink writing and they say Remembering Lauren and there is a pink heart after her name. I got a tattoo on the underside of my lower arm with her name, a heart, and flowers around it. None of this really takes the pain of her being gone away, but it keeps her memory alive. I don’t think there is anything we can do to feel better at this point. We just have to go through it and as my husband says every day, Let’s just take it one day at a time. I write a blog and that helps to get my feelings out. I was put on antidepressants when Lauren was sick and I am still on them. I can’t imagine what I would be like without them since I am a blubbering mess some days when I am on them! This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with as I am sure it is for you. Many people on this site have felt the same heartache we feel and they have managed to go on. This is what gives me hope. God bless you, dear Gigi, and I hope to hear from you again.

Love,
-Pam

Great news, Randi!! He must be a very special doctor.

Hi Tiff,

I am sorry you are feeling down, but I have also heard that people become depressed after surgery. It’s almost like having post traumatic stress disorder, so give yourself a break and speak with a professional if you feel it would help.

With regards to people not calling, I think that is common. People are caught up in their own lives and seem to come around when something big happens, like your transplant, then they get back to themselves. I have a handful of friends that do still care and call me to do things. Lisa (from this site) has always been there for me. But others can really surprise you. I haven’t seen Gio in over two months!! This is a kid that practically lived at my house for 8 years!! I have tried and tried to see him and he doesn’t want anything to do with us because he says it hurts him too much. So I patiently wait for him to come around, but it is less on my mind now, because as Lainy said, it would drive me cuckoo if I dwelled on it all the time. When you are over the hurt, get in contact with these people. They might be giving you time to adjust. I’m sure they still care, but if you worry about it and feel bad about it, it will just eat you up. Enjoy your time with your family and just be thankful to be alive!! Take care.

Much love,
-Pam

Hi Suzanne,

I was very sorry to hear of your Dad’s passing. I used to love reading his posts and I will always remember him for his prayer pants. I also remember how he and Cindy had chemo on the same days and became great friends. I always had such hope for him since he was able to have a resection and seemed to do so well. I read his blog faithfully, but became worried when he suddenly stopped posting. Sadly, my daughter, Lauren, also passed away June 9th from this cancer. I know Lauren, Cindy, and your Dad are having a great time in heaven. God bless you.

Love,
-Pam

Hi Porter,

My daughter was given Tramodol and in her words it made her feel like her face was melting. It just made her feel too druggy so she was switched to Morphine which worked much better. She also took Miralax mixed in a small glass with juice before bed each night for constipation from pain meds. She had a large tumor in her liver as well and had pain in her side and back. Good luck to you.

Dear Mary,

I am sorry you are having a rough go of things. This disease sucks and seems to creep into all aspects of our lives. It would be nice to be able to forget about it for a while, wouldn’t it? I agree with Kris in that writing can be very cathartic. If you don’t want to write a blog, even a journal or a slip of paper is good. Write down your feelings when you feel down, mad, or scared and you will feel better. It is like a release of the bad feelings. You are such a sweet person and it breaks my heart to see you down in the dumps. Please feel better soon.

Love and big hugs,
-Pam

Hi Dorien,

I think all doctors have their own way of thinking. Why can some have transplants? Lauren’s doctor said she could never have a transplant. We were told at first that she could never have surgery too. She had one large tumor on one side and a few small ones on the other. They never could tell if she had lymph node involvement for sure. She had a few suspicious ones that were swollen. She had the gamut of chemo which helped her large tumor shrink a lot and Theraspheres, which they didn’t think worked. We later found out that it or chemo had worked on the smaller tumors because they were both dead. Her large tumor had shrunk a bunch and was mostly dead as well. Her surgeon was always hopeful and came to us one day and told us if we wanted to try surgery, now was the window of opportunity. He tried a surgery that had been done in South America and had been successful where they cut the liver in half, left both sides in, which was supposed to make the good side grow faster. She was to have the second surgery 10 days later, but the good side hadn’t grown enough, so he waited for 6 weeks. The surgery went ok, but different things beyond their control happened. (Blood clot and bleeding out.) Her liver was also pretty messed up from almost two years of chemo. He had been to a conference a while before the surgery and talked to some other big name surgeons and the room was pretty much split on if they would do the surgery or not. We knew it might not work, but we were all so hopeful and optimistic because Lauren was very strong and came out of everything else that was thrown at her like a champ. He said he would have never done it on someone older or weaker, but thought Lauren would come through ok. I sometimes wonder if she wouldn’t have had the surgery, would she be ok, but we will never know because she wanted the surgery so badly so she had a shot at a normal life again. Like I said, different surgeons think differently about things. Some are more conservative and some will take a chance. I hope I have answered your question ok.

Love,
-Pam