pauline

Well, I gave myself the usual list of things to do yesterday and spent the day doing them. I got back to the house after dark and was hungry so, unusually for me, I actually bothered to cook myself some pasta – I normally can’t be bothered and just have cold food. Anyway, I sat at the table in the kitchen and looked at the empty chair opposite me where Anthony used to sit and it all just overwhelmed me once again. I started to talk to him out loud and started to cry uncontrollably. I know I have been making myself keep busy and I know I have been strong and brave and I know Anthony loved those qualities in me but isn’t it unbearable when you miss someone so much? At that moment if I had been offered the chance to die and spend 5 minutes with him so that he could put his arms around me and tell me It’s alright I would have died right then. Anyway eventually I just went to bed and, as I was exhausted, I slept. Today, I started again with a full list of things to do but I’m back at the very tearful stage again. I stopped at a cafe and sat outside in the sun(thank you Sue it was beautiful) and looked at some of the photos I carry around with me and cried silently( I find I am very good at this now and people around don’t seem to notice). I know that all this is partly because I am in Italy where Tony and I spent so much time together in such beautiful surroundings and there are so many memories but I suppose it is something that will probably keep happening when we feel at our most vulnerable. I just sometimes feel so unbearably alone and I miss Tony to the very core of my being. Life is so sad, isn’t it?
Anyway, I’m sorry to burden you, my friends, with this but I just needed to tell the people who understand.
Don’t worry though, I am getting on with things again and this afternoon I gave the house a good clean as I have a friend arriving on Monday. That should be good because she hasn’t been here before and I can show her all our favourite places and cry some more and know that she understands.
I hope you are all “alright”. I put alright in inverted commas because I know that none of us really know the meaning of alright any more do we? How are the lists going? By the way, why is it when we are at our least able to cope that other bad things seem to happen, like your electrical problems, Sue and Darla? Yesterday, I stopped at a supermarket and when I got back to the car park there was a huge dent in the side of the hire car. This has never happened to Anthony and I on all the occasions we have hired cars in Italy in the last 20 years. Never mind, but these things can be upsetting, in our situation I think, because they reinforce the loneliness, don’t they?
I am off to get myself a take away pizza now and then back home. I think a bit of terrible Italian television is called for. Take care of yourselves, Darla, Sue and Joyce.
With love,
Pauline

Dear Sue, Darla and Joyce,
Yes, I reckon if we did meet up we would never stop talking. There is a real need to keep talking isn’t there and I think you become an expert on knowing those you can open up to and those you can’t. I find that it is sometimes the people who you don’t know so well or even have only just met that you find you can talk to. I find this is usually people who have been through a bad bereavement themselves. Some of the people I know very well avoid talking about how I am or about Anthony at all. Last night at a dinner I met someone for the first time who asked me straight away how I was coping. She was so sensitive and I knew immediately that she understood. She had been badly affected by the deaths of her grandparents and, although only in her 20s was really able to talk about these issues.
Yes Sue, I think it is wonderful to know that our husbands loved us and we loved them until death parted us but it also makes surviving without that love so difficult, doesn’t it?
Anyway, all of you, keep going. I am off to try to close an Italian bank accout – no easy feat I can tell you! Good luck with the electrical problems Sue. I am sure Ray is very proud! Take care!
Love
Pauline

Dear Joyce,
I just want you to know that I understand exactly how you are feeling and it’s so terribly sad and painful. I like you still go over and over those last few weeks and feel tormented sometimes. I also miss Anthony all the time and the house is full of him. I do actually find this a comfort though and I also like to put photos up around the place so that I can look at him as well as think of him.
I found, after about 4 weeks that I could start talking to Anthony and this really helped. I also found that it helped to go out for a walk and think of him. I have asked him for advice on what I should do and I have imagined his replies. I find this comforting too.
It’s such a difficult process and I think you just have to take it slowly, not pushing your self too much but, at the same time, giving yourself small things to achieve on a daily basis.
I don’t know how we cope longer term. I miss Anthony terribly all the time. I do know that Darla and I have supported each other a lot and that has really helped. Sue is also now going through this and so are you. All our husbands died within a few months of each other of this same devastating cancer. I think the best we can do is to keep supporting each other, keep remembering our loved ones and, as you have said, keep fighting to get better treatment for others with this disease.
Please know that I am thinking of you and please keep telling us how you are.
With love
Pauline

Dear Stacie,
Thanks for following up on this. It is very disappointing news for cc patients because what it really means is more of the same and that simply isn’t good enough.
They don’t seem to be asking for feed back from patients/ carers. Perhaps we should give them our views anyway! Are any other UK members interested in making a stand?
Pauline

Dear Jan,
I am so sorry to hear about your dad’s falls. Do they not have sides that they can put up on the bed to prevent this? At this point, as you say, the very best you can hope for is that your dad is able to be comfortable, pain free and peaceful so that he can rest calmly with his loved ones around him. This is what I so wish my husband, Anthony , had experienced but it wasn’t like that at all. Your dad is clearly not able to work things out for himself at the moment. He sounds agitated and confused which is the way people often are towards the end with this disease. It is the hospice staff who need to do all in their power to give him the medication and care that he needs to help him to have the end you envisaged. Talk to them until they get it right. My darling Anthony was in terrible pain and suffered so badly and this haunts me all the time. I sincerely hope it will be different for your dad. Thinking of you,
Pauline