sammi0703

Thank you Frances – and everyone else for your comments. It’s a comfort to know that what I’m going through is ok and normal.

It’s the funeral tomorrow and I’m so anxious.

Xx

Hi everyone, my gorgeous Daddy passed away at 7.30pm last night.

He waited until his last daughter left and died holding my brothers hand. It was peaceful.

Thanks for all your support and kind words throughout – you’ve all kept me going.

Xx

Thanks everyone for you views and comments.

I spent the night here last night with my sister and even though Dad was not really with it, when he stirred he knew we were there – I could tell.

He went extremely yellow yesterday morning in the space of just 3 hours – it shocked my sister who had spent the previous 2 nights by his bedside and had only left to collect our other sister from the airport (she had flown in from Australia).

His breathing is more laboured – he takes big breaths, then small, shallow ones and then pauses for around 5-10 seconds. I believe this is the real start now.

The beautiful thing is that both my sister and I who spent the night here have made a pact that we will now not leave his bedside. He knows we’ve consistently been there for him these last 4/5 days and he trusts us to do our best for him. I feel honoured that I will see my dad leave for a more peaceful place and I do not fear it either.

Sadly, our sister from Australia has been traumatised by what she saw yesterday – having not seen him since diagnosis 6 months ago. She is with our other sister (there are 4 daughters and a son) refusing to step foot in here again because she is terrified. Poor love.

I have to say, I’m glad dad opted for hospice in the end as the care here is amazing and goes far beyond anything I think any of his family could manage at home. It’s become a second home for us and it’s lovely to have the support from the nurses from an emotional perspective too. Dad has a beloved black Labrador called Winston who is allowed to visit for a few hours every day. I would strongly recommend it as it also allows for the loved ones to concentrate on spending time with them without the stress and pressure of caring for the various needs too. It’s also a blessing to have the experienced nurses to ask questions of and to guide you in the journey.

I’ll keep updating as things change. You’re all such wonderful people – thank you xx

Hi everyone, when I went back in to see dad this morning he had decided that he wanted hospice after all and he was transferred there this afternoon.

He has a blockage around his stent but has refused surgery to try and unblock it and has also refused any more blood tests etc. We’ve been told that as a result of the blockage we’re looking at a matter of days now.

I’ve got great support around me helping out with my children so that I can spend these last few days by his side as much as possible.

I’ve reached a point where although I’ll miss him desperately, I just want him to find his peace now.

Thanks for your support – it means so much to me at this time.

Hugs to you all xxx

Marion, the medical profession have pretty much washed their hands of it all. They said there was nothing more that could be done and that’s that. Apart from MacMillan and his local GP we’re on our own. All the GP does is write another prescription be it pain meds or anti biotics.

Gavin – thank you. It helps to know of others that have experienced this. Makes me feel less alone. I like to think that the old saying “times a healer” works, however I cannot see how any time in the world can heal the pain of losing a loved one.

I’ve been thinking of writing him a letter telling him what he means to me and thanking him for being such an amazing father and grandfather to my daughters but I would need to give this to him before he’s too far gone to read it. That would mean doing it very soon I believe, but I don’t want him to feel I’ve written him off. Your thoughts please? I’m only thinking of doing this because if I were to try and even begin to tell him, I know I’ll break down and I don’t want him to see that.

Sorry to post on Christmas Eve – it’s just another day of sadness for me but trying to stay in the spirit of it for my young children.

Thank you all for your support – I haven’t reached out to anyone else as I find it hard to talk about without breaking down.

I actually wrote the above message the other week but it’s only just posted.

He’s definitely going downhill – he’s workec one day this week but it’s exhausted him. We’ve now found out he’s got another infection and is back on the antibiotics. He continues to vomit and is now disorientated and hallucinating. He’s sleeping today.

Just want to thank you all and wish you a nice Christmas with all your loved ones.

Xxx

Thanks to you all for your kind responses. I’ve received the 10 signs from you already Laney – thank you.

He still continues to work – he’s worked 4 days this week as he took one day off to sleep. He’s now on morphine patches – they’re trying to get his pain meds right and I’m hoping once this is achieved that he may regain some appetite.

He still isn’t eating and he isn’t drinking now either – I have no idea how he gets up and goes to work each day without eating and drinking. He just takes small sips of water because he is dry but no more than that.

I think he’s holding on for Christmas and it’s my belief that he will let go after this.

He’s a very proud, strong man who has never asked for help and that’s why he won’t give up work yet. To some degree I think he wants to carry on life as normal – I know he’s scared (understandably so) and I think he thinks if he slows down it will get him quicker.

Xxx

Thanks so much to you all for taking the time to reply. Your comments and words of advice and support have lifted me when I needed it most.

I’m heading to Dads soon to go to his meeting for the results. I don’t know how he will feel about a second opinion but I’ll find out today as I think that would be good – I had no idea he could do this and through the NHS too.

Gavin – he’s been diagnosed and treated at Stoke Mandeville hospital. I’ve heard that the John Radcliffe in Oxford has a great cancer unit but at the time of diagnosis he didn’t want to transfer.

Back at diagnosis he had a blocked bile duct so they did an ERCP and inserted a metal stent – he contracted pancreatitis following this procedure, but eventually recovered.

More recently, he got an Infection on his big toe (of all places) and because his white blood cell count was so low they took him into hospital and pumped him full of antibiotics. They were really indecisive over whether to operate or not and in the end chose not to as they said the healing process could take up to 6 months and would affect future chemo treatment.

That’s the latest and I’ll let you know how we get on today.

Lots of love and hugs to you all.
X