thecdr

she’s right! 😆

you know, I never considered myself religious or spiritual or whatever, but I am really starting to believe in signs and reasons for doing what we do. I was living in San Francisco when I adopted Luis and one day while visiting my folks here in Ohio I just knew that I had to move back to be closer to family. We moved back and I live literally around the corner from the house I grew up in and where my parents still are. Our whole family are within 30 minutes of each other.

When I did adopt I had to name a guardian for him as part of the process. My sister graciously accepted. She and her family had always planned on moving closer (they were an hour away) and 2 years ago they did, right down the street from me! There was a reason for this.

so, when/if the unthinkable happens his entire life won’t be completely disappear. Same school, same neighborhood, same friends, surrounded by all the same people who love him. How blessed am I?

He asked me if I was going to die and I couldn’t lie to him, he’s too smart. But he knows that I will always be his mom and he will always be my son, and that we will always be in each other’s hearts forever. We pray every night and know that every day is a blessing. Meanwhile we are doing as much as possible to “transition him” with my sister’s family so he’s not pulled from one and dropped into another. In fact, through the graciousness of his godfather we are all (Luis, me, his godfather and my sister and her family) are going on a cruise in December! We’ll have 4 days to just have fun, relax and bond. It will be very tough as time goes on, but I am secure in knowing that financially he is taken care of, and emotionally he will be loved and well cared for. He doesn’t want another mother, he just wants Aunt Peggy and Uncle Ray, because “you’re my mom”.

So, when he gets his contract and pitches in his first major league game I will be in the great BIG “Skybox” instead of the one at the stadium.

Of course that doesn’t mean that between now and then he won’t continue to suck the very consciousness out of me, after all, he is 10 and it is his duty as a child to drive his mother crazy!

thanks to all, and yes I have wonderful support. It’s the every day stuff, like, GETTING HIM UP IN THE MORNING!!!! Yes, he does know what is going on, at least as much as a 10 year old can I guess. He is one of the reasons I am having such a hard time dealing with the disease, not for the way he acts but for all the terrible things that have been done to him. You see, I adopted him at age 5 from Guatemala after a pretty horrendous existence. As a result of abuse, genetics, whatever he is bipolar, severe abandonment issues, ptsd, you name it, but despite it all he is one of the sweetest little boys you could ever meet. So now I am grappling with God and why he would do something like this to a little boy?
What we are trying to do is keep as normal as possible, I need it, he needs it. He needs his mom to yell at him when he doesn’t behave, I need to yell at him when he doesn’t behave, we need life to be normal as long as we can.
One of the really “aggravating” things about this disease is that I feel like Damacles’ sword is dangling over my head, I want desperately to beat this thing but sometimes I wonder if I have the strength! Of course, I used to say that even before I had cancer!

yes, but that’s a genetic condition with me, or maybe it’s the marinol P-)