tryingtohelp
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Yes, Marion. Worked this week, starting tuesday. Boys are going to school. Seems that they are a little better. I was trying to “hide” at my cubicle whole week, otherwise I was falling apart when someone would say kind words. So still going through ups and downs, and I’m sure it’d last for a long time. My older son is in marching band, so went to watch his high school football game – nice distruction… Thanks for checking on us! Alla
Hi agcesena
My husband went through the same regimen of chemo. Gem + Cis worked for 5 months for him, then stopped. He had 5FU + couple other ingredients (folfirinox) and initially cancer marker was growing, then dropped, then started going up again. Based on my husband experience, I would check for alternative options. Folfirinox is very harsh chemo to tolerate, but does have good results for some, but not others. Although it didn’t work for my husband, it might work just fine for you. Do they keep an eye on your cancer marker?
Wishing you the best, AllaThank you, Pam. I had never heard about pennies from heaven and looked it up, after reading your post, since I’ve been recently finding pennies at my house at odd places! Very interesting… Really hope it’s true!
Beautiful, as always, Lainy! Thank you. When Marty was diagnosed, I called it our “new normal” too, once we got into chemo routine. Now that “normal” has to change again. Not quite sure how it would be yet. His son is still here for a few more days, helping us with every day stuff and fixing few things at the house, since hubby wasn’t able too. On tuesday I’ll have to go back to work. So may be then I’ll figure out what is new normal would be like (or not). I’m sure it’d be hard when my step son leaves, as he is filling in the void and it will be just 3 of us instead of “normal” 4. Just the other day I saw my son’s work where he answered a question about the number of people in your household and it was 4. Made me sad on the spot…
I also find myself being mad about the chemo and what it did to him and re-thinking if it was a right choice, especially toward the end. And thinking about “what if”… I know it’s pointless, but can’t help it.So grateful I have you all to listen and advice! Thank you!
Thank you all for encouragement. It’s been 8 days since his passing, but seems longer by some reason (not easier though). Yesterday there was a memorial service and a funeral. Very tough day. But I must say that the service was very nice. His brother wrote beautiful tribute (although we had to remove some stories…) that was really good and minister read it for us. A lot of people showed up and learned something new about my husband, I’m sure. It is almost like he had 2 lives – life of a cowboy before me and completely different life with me. So in a way he did live life to a fullest, but it was cut shorter than we ever expected.
I would have never imagined that even after the funeral it would still seem unreal to me. Still feels like a bad dream that never ends. I had lost all grandparents long time ago and quite a few aunts and uncles, but it is very different this time. Is it just me or does everybody goes through the same stages of grief (if there is a such thing)?P.S. Forgot to mention that today would have been a year since my husband was diagnosed. So he almost made it a year…
Beautiful poem, Lainy. Thank you. That’s exactly what I’m experiencing now – fine one minute and then grief sneaks up on me and tears starts pouring. And how I wish it wasn’t a reality, but a bad dream. I guess it will be like that for a while…
Thank you all for your support and encouragements. It is still seems unreal. Made funeral arrangements today. Unfortunately, not for the days I thought of. It had to be pushed back to next thursday, which I’m not to happy about.
Saw an interesting dream last night – it was a beautiful butterfly flying around me. I asked if it was Marty and butterfly set on my hand, confirming that it was him. I asked if he was ok and somehow butterfly “told” me that he was. I had a peaceful feeling that it was him and he was fine.
Getting a lots of support from the friends – more than I ever expected. I think we’ll be OK in time. Just taking day at a time…
Sincerely, Alla
SENSITIVE
Well, looks like that decision was taken out of my hands as well… I planned to talk about all arrangements – couldn’t, I was trying to decide about TPN – his body rejected it, was thinking about boys seeing him – but he passed away about 15 min after my post.
I didn’t get to hold him, as I noticed that his breathing changed dramatically and run to get his son, by the time we got back he wasn’t breathing. He had made one more small sound while we were there and was gone.
Just told the kids – taking it hard. I’m sure it will be a while and I know it’s hard to accept. Even after seeing it – it seemed unreal.
Will start to make final arrangements tomorrow.Thanks again for all your support! I will be back…
Just an update. It keeps declining quickly..
Sensitive!
Yesterday he was trying to sit up, as well as trying to go to the bathroom with our help and answer questions. Today he can’t really move, no talking, doesn’t try to get up, no interaction at all. He is sleeping with his eyes half open and staring. I tried to talk to him – seems that he does understand. When I said I love him – his upper lip moved, when I ask him if he can hear me, he moaned a little…
He seems more comfortable, but we do press the pain pump button periodically when he moans. Had intense vomiting earlier, hopefully that helped as well. His son had said that seems that his organs are shutting down.
Hard to watch and still seems impossible that he won’t be here on earth very soon!
Kind of torn if I should let the kids say goodbye or not. It would be hard for them to see him like that, but in the same time – would they regret it later? Yet again, would he want them to remember him like that? Is there a right answer???Hospice nurse was here only for an hour, then later cna was here for 40 min to give him sponge bath. That’s all.
Most of the time we are on our own. I think we are stopping tpn. Nurse definitely adviced against it as it can cause more vomiting and more swelling and discomfort for him. I know tpn won’t help him, but somehow it’s still feels like I’m depriving him of food. He didn’t even ask for water today at all. On the other hand, if he didn’t ask for food or drink today – then he didn’t want it…
Thanks again, AllaIt’s dilauded 1.0 ml every hour with option to push 0.4 ml every 15 min – pain pump. Then morphine liquid 0.5 ml by mouth every 4 hrs, but nurse said every hour if needed. Plus 175mg fentanyl patches. I think the worst part is hiccups and vomiting, most likely caused by bowel obstruction. It’s hard to stop, since it has to come out somehow. We tried nausea patch and phenegren suppositories – didn’t seem to help. Not sure what is the name of other anti nausea stuff she called in. It’s not ready
for pickup yet…
Thanks again!
