dee999

Dear Ilias,

I can truly understand what you are going through. I couldn’t cry the day my Mom died. She is the person i love the most, always have and always will, and yet i couldn’t cry. The day She died, i cleaned Her wounds, dressed Her and cremated Her, yet i couldn’t cry. i spread Her ashes and prayed, yet i couldn’t cry. But every single day since then, i have cried. i dream of Her and feel Her, but there are many moments when i feel alone, very alone. Every day i wish i would not be haunted by the nightmares we lived. But those memories are invaluable because they are all i have. Just try to take it one day at a time. i know the guilt surrounding our hearts, the grief and the sorrow makes living insufferable, but talk to your Mom. She is here, She is listening and have faith in Her, She will answer.

Hope you and your family find the peace and comfort you truly deserve.

From one child to another, love and peace.
Dee

I hope your day be blessed with the beautiful memories of your loved one. Wishing everyone and their loved ones, who has been deceived by this horrible disease, the strength and peace we rightfully deserve.

Dear Stacie,

When my Mom was diagnosed, and was admitted into the Intensive Care Unit, the doctors thought She had a week, two at the most. But She proved them wrong, She fought as hard as She could. I was by Her side the entire time. I understand the hell one goes through when you watch the strongest person in your entire world become so weak right in front of your eyes. Everything happened so quickly that we never had the chance to tell Her what was killing Her. She did inadvertently find out, but we could not tell Her. It would have broken Her will. She would have refused treatment if She knew we were not going to win this battle. But a day before She passed away, I did tell Her because somewhere deep down I knew She deserved the truth, everyone does. She was on the ventilator and not responsive but I would like to believe She heard me. I had never lied to Her in my entire life, but I wanted to protect Her in every way possible I could. It is a hard decision to make, I understand. The only thing that saddens me even more, is that no matter how much we love someone, we can’t take away their pain. I prayed relentlessly, to spare Her and take me instead. I live each day with my own grief and burden but the only thing that comforts me to know is that my Meemo is not suffering any more.

Love,
Dee

Dear Desiree,

What we are going through, is our burden. I know we would not want our Moms to suffer. My Mom was in pain. The day they told me She had cancer, somewhere deep down, I knew that all was lost. If someone asked me, was Her going away so quickly OK ? Yes, I could not bear to see Her in the hospital, lying down helpless, with Her spirit broken at the mercy of doctors and nurses who remembered us as a disease and a bed number. Our lives were over, the day She was admitted in the Intensive Care Unit. My anger,my sorrow, my frustration is to what led us there. Why She had this disease? No, that’s the part I don’t understand.

Now, when I read or hear the news I pay attention. There is a lot of suffering and pain around and yes there are those who are happier and without a care in the world. But no one ever said life was fair. I close my eyes and picture hugging my Mom and try to breathe,it helps. I try to visualize Her smiling face and joyful eyes and sometimes that help me sleep. She is not in pain any more. That is what I try to tell myself when I cry hard. Watching someone you love so much die helplessly, changes you in more ways that you can imagine. That is something I try to remember, it is not the same any more.

I try to read, walk, watch tv, knit, clean the house, work, do anything, anything that keeps me distracted. I try to exhaust myself physically so that I can try to sleep at night. I try writing to Her as often as I can. I still talk to Her like She is listening and kiss Her goodnight. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. But I try, because I know She would want me to. Sometimes, just listening to the fridge hum and keep breathing helps. Just breathing helps. When I have to let it all out, I do, coz if I don’t cry, it feels like my heart is going to burst. My husband tries his best, but this is my burden. No matter how much some one loves you, they can’t take your pain away. The universe was not designed that way. It is cruel, and I don’t understand it, I don’t want to coz I am human.

The grief, the pain, doesn’t get better,at least for me it doesn’t. I am starting to realize maybe I have to learn to live with it. Like you, I don’t have a lot of people to talk to who really understand. This is not something, that someone who hasn’t gone through understands. For them it has been ‘n’ number of days/months/years since the ‘incident’ happened and you should ‘move on’. Well, I didn’t really ask for advice or sympathy so I am not obligated to listen. I am not trying to fight anymore, I am just trying to learn how to live with it. Please don’t hesitate in emailing me or if there is a number I could reach you at, I could call you over the weekend too.

Take care,
Dee

Dear Desiree, Lainy, Darla,

I am sorry I haven’t written in a while. It gets harder everyday. The numbness keeps increasing. I don’t feel happiness, I don’t feel beauty. There is just a siniking feeling of loss and pain. My eyes are filled with tears almost always but I try to pretend to be ok and my “good old self” when I am around other people. But it sometimes, its hard to pretend. I hide at my desk and work and cry. Sometimes, I hide in the ladies room and cry. Somedays, it feels ok and then all of a sudden it hits me. I pick up my phone, call my Mom hoping I will hear her voice and when I don’t, my world falls apart all over again. You know when you have a nightmare and then you wake up realizing, thank God that was just a dream. It just feels like I can’t wake up anymore. I live my worst nightmare every single minute of my life. Sometimes, I don’t want to go on. I swear I wish it would all end. I used to love my life. Now I can’t tolerate it.
I know Mom would want me to go on but it feels pointless without her. I owe everything I have today to her. But she was all I ever wanted. I still have my Dad, my husband and my Brother, but no one is Mom. I don’t share too much with them, men have a different way of dealing with grief and it ends up upsetting me even more. Like you, I have pictures of my Momall over my apartment and wear a locket with her picture inside of it. Maybe she is watching over me, but I so wish I could just hear her voice one more time. Know that she is ok. Not alone, not in pain anymore.

Thank you as always for listening.