jmoneypenny
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Welcome Kath,
Good luck with your tough old bird – sounds like the type I would love, having had a bunch of them in my family!Yes, denial is the best way to handle many people, despite what all the experts and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says. As Marions said, it’s a case-by-case decision, and if someone wants to avoid reality to their last breath, that’s the least we can do for them. My mother knew what was coming but she didn’t want to know – it just made her anxious and she told me “I know you’re finding things out on the Internet and I don’t want to know!”
I wish you the best of luck – it really is tough on the caregivers when they can’t share their concerns, and I’m sure it’s tough on the patient, who internalizes all those fears. You’re both in my thoughts –
JoyceDear Irene,
Your message may get lost here where it’s posted, you may want to copy and paste it into “introductions” so more people can see it and respond.I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this terrible ordeal. It’s wonderful that he’s managed to beat the odds so far with all of his other medical problems. I’m very confused as to why they would want to start chemo now that everything has spread more – I would think chemo would be out of the question at this point, but hopefully you’ll find out more from the doctor. Chemo can be very debilitating so I’d ask what drugs they were planning on giving him – gemcitabine and Xeloda are the usual ones for cc, and they’re milder than most and don’t always cause hair loss, but they do usually cause nausea. It’s a tough decision and whatever you choose is right, but if the doctors don’t think he has much time, you may want to consider that chemo may worsen his quality of time he has left. It’s all up to the individual and some people tolerate it well, but my mother was too far along when she tried chemo and it really knocked her out and lowered her immune system.
Get all the answers you can possibly get from the oncologist and post back here so some of the knowledgeable people can give you their perspective. Unfortunately, there are so many perspectives that it may be confusing. You just have to follow your husband’s wishes and make him feel supported in whatever he chooses. I know what it’s like to have to care for someone who keeps it all inside, and it’s heartbreaking. The poor man must be feeling so much anguish that he can’t share. Can he talk to a clergy member or hospice worker, maybe? Sometimes it’s easier to open up to a stranger – he probably doesn’ t want to burden you with his worries because he loves you so much.
Much luck on your doctor’s appointment – I hope you both find some comfort and answers here-
JoyceDear fathersdaughter,
I feel so bad for you and your father and your family. As Jeff said, sometimes chemo can just make quality of life worse and you definitely don’t want that. A second opinion is always a good idea, but not if you have to drag him around to doctors and make him feel miserable. Cherish each moment with him – I’m sure you already are doing that! It would be great if he could get home with hospice care, be with his beloved dog and beloved family. You sound like you’re doing everything right – your love and support is the best medicine. You’re a wondeful daughter for being there for him.
Much luck and love to you,
JoyceBarbara,
I know your heart is broken right now and I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish you some degree of peace and comfort. There are no words that can make it better, but you have friends and sympathy here.
JoyceDear Fran,
So sorry to hear your anguish – I hope things improve for Colin and/or he has a peaceful passing. I don’t want to give false hope, but severe fevers don’t seem to me to signal the end – it could be an infection like cholangitis, and they can give him antibiotics. I know I don’t know everything that’s going on, and I”m certainly not a doctor, so please bear with me if I’m totally wrong. I just would love to see you have your big family Christmas with your loved ones, and Colin aware and comfortable enough to enjoy it.
Much love and hugs,
JoyceDear Rae,
So so sorry to hear about your father. I know how painful it is. I’m also one of those people who wanted to know all the worst-case scenarios – the problem is, you don’t ever know how this disease progresses so you don’t want to tell someone it’s the end when they may have months yet to live – no one can tell for sure. My mother was given 6 months to a year, and died two months after diagnosis. Being the worst-case person in the family and the one who researched everything, I knew her time was coming fast, but even I was taken by surprise by how quickly she went. I thought she’d have another week or two, while everyone else thought she’d be around for the rest of the year. Even when you think you’re prepared, you never are – it’s always agony.I understand why you’ve written everything down – a lot of us have done so, and I think it helps to write it down to try to make sense of it – and also in the hopes that it may help someone else. There’s nothing you can post here that would be taken the wrong way – not in the sections on Grief or Remembrance, anyway – people don’t come to the Grief section without expecting a dose of harsh reality, so don’t worry about taking anyone’s hope away if you post it. You can also post that you’re willing to email anyone personally who has any questions about nearing the end – KateG asked people to email her before her mother died, and I practically sent her a 200-page book about my mother’s experiences at the end. It was therapeutic for me, and hopefully a little bit helpful for her (though a bit long!)
I was always searching for signs that my mother was dying, and would have been grateful to read of someone else’s experience. So I think you should post what you’ve written about it, as a labor of love for your father and for those who may suffer as he did.
Even if you don’t post all of it, please feel free to vent all your sorrow, anger and confusion – you’ll always have nonjudgmental, listening ears. I feel for you and wish you some degree of comfort-
JoyceDear Karen,
All of us know the pain you’re experiencing, and we’re here to help, if we possibly can. The possibility of losing someone you love more than anything is a terrible thing – but don’t give up hope too quickly! Sometimes people tolerate chemo pretty well – I know that chemo for breast cancer and lung cancer seem to be much more debilitating than the chemos used for cc (generally, and in my experience of seeing loved ones suffer through different chemos). As Carol said, look around the site and I’m sure you’ll find some inspiration and information to help you. Post a question and someone is bound to have an answer, or will at least attempt to answer.Lastly, if you just need to vent, go right ahead. You need some support in this time or you’ll go crazy.
Much luck and love to you,
JoyceOops – sorry, in my last post I said “Jeff” when I meant “Peter”! I’m sorry I got those two confused, because they’re both long-term fighters of this disease and an inspiration to us all
JoyceMy mother had intrahepatic cc and ascites was one of the few symptoms she had, and very early. As Jeff said, some people get them drained and then they have a reprieve for a long time, but when my mother’s ascites got too bad and started leaking, hospice nurses told us this was a sign of the end and the liver breaking down. If Dirk’s doctors are recommending drainage and/or a tube, then I would think they believe the ascites can be brought under control, as it wasn’t even suggested for my mother. Best of luck to you and Dirk and I hope you can get some answers and some relief-
Much hope,
JoyceDear Ted,
I am so sorry to hear of Patty’s passing. Your love for each other was and is beautiful – may you have peace and comfort.
-JoyceDear Bazel,
So sorry to hear of your dad’s passing. You have our support and sympathy. I think it is wonderful that you took the time to be thankful at such a sad time in your life – very noble and unselfish of you.
Peace and comfort to you and yours,
JoyceDear Greg,
I am so sorry that you, your wife and family — and especially your mom-in-law – are going through this. And I’m sorry you can’t even enjoy the holidays with her, because she is in pain. It does sound like you’ve faced the inevitable – her symptoms right now sound exactly like my mother 2 days before she died. You are all too young to have to go through this – but then, none of us should have to go through this. I hope she has a peaceful passing, and I wish peace and comfort to you and your family.
-Joyce
