jmoneypenny

Dear Valerie,
My heart is breaking for you, for Jeff, and for your family. Jeff has been an inspiration to ALL of us here – and I’m sure he must be even more inspiring in person. We’ve told him that time and again, and he’s always been humble and uplifting and humorous in his replies. He’s fought the hardest battle of anyone here, always with a good attitude and spunky spirit, but I know his only regret is that he has to leave you behind and cause the grief you’re feeling now. I’m sure he feels the same anticipatory grief that you do, which is only natural considering the wonderful love that you two have shared.
I know it is not much consolation, but the love you share with Jeff is something most people never get to experience in a lifetime. It is so special, which is also what makes it so painful to lose. I felt the same way when my mother was under home hospice care – the pain was unbearable, because the thought of losing the most precious person in the world to me was unbearable. People would say “At least you had that time with her” but of course, it’s never enough. You just want it to go on forever, and it’s agonizing. It’s just not fair, it’s just not fair that you should have to go through this, that Jeff should have to go through this.

Please believe the pain will get more bearable, and in the meantime, please come here to talk if you need to. And please know that Jeff’s love for you is eternal and you can see it echoed in every thing he wrote about you. He adores you and you’re the light of his life. Staying by his side and loving him is the best thing you can do and you’re doing it so wonderfully. IT’s okay to cry – he understands, and we understand.

Many cyber hugs and best wishes,

Joyce M

Natasha,
So sorry to hear about your mother and how she’s worsening. Being in the hospital so long can be dehumanizing and must bring her spirits down even more. I was in a similar situation with my mother, but I can’t really tell you when the end will come, since it’s so different for everyone. Just know that your being there is an immense comfort to her and she loves you for it.

As for not talking about death, I can tell you that I’m one person who regrets not talking about it more fully with my mother (she really wasn’t comfortable with the subject, and I guess I wasn’t, either). There are so many things left unsaid between us, so many regrets. That said, I think I can say with certainty, that even if you DID talk about every aspect of death with your mom for 3 weeks straight, you will still have regrets after she has died. It’s a terrible part of the grief process: though we rationally know that we did all we could, our minds keep going over what we should have done differently, what we should have said or should not have said. I’m just telling you this to prepare you so you don’t feel as guilty – but you probably will feel guilt. So if you think your mother would be upset by your bringing up the subject, try to bring it up gently, and if she refuses to talk about it, then just honor her wishes. That’s all you can do – it’s her choice and if you let her know that you are open to anything she wishes, then you’ve done the ultimate good for her. Everyone copes differently, and some people just don’t want to make plans for/talk about the end.

I grieve for you in this painful situation. All my love and hope going out to you and your mother and your family. You can always come here for a bit of support if you need a shoulder to lean on.
Joyce M

Hi Irene,
Glad to hear you’re doing pretty well, symptom-free and all. I think you’re the only one who can really answer your question, and I’m here just to say that I support whatever decision you make. It sounds like you’re leaning toward the “magical thinking” route — and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that! I think I would use that approach, too, because that’s typically my way of dealing with upsetting things. It all depends on the person, and if your anxiety level will be less if you don’t get the scans, then by all means, opt for less anxiety!

Whatever you do, we’re here for you. Sorry you have to make such a momentous decision.

Best wishes,
Joyce M

Hi Tess,
I’m no expert, since my mother never needed a drain, but the only time she exhibited jaundice was when she had an infection around the tumor (I think it was called cholangitis, I can’t believe I’ve forgotten already). They even said it could be a GOOD sign, that the chemo was killing off parts of the tumor and the dead parts were causing the infection. BUt I guess the doctors would know if your dad had an infection – white blood cell counts and all. Just a thought from my own experience. I hope you find the answers soon.
Joyce M

Dear Teresa,
All my sympathy for the loss of your sister. I know your heart is broken right now, and I wish I had the words to heal you. We’re all here for you, and we empathize. It was truly noble of you to be with your sister at the end. May she rest in peace.
Joyce M

Dear Kris,
They’re really putting you through the wringer, you poor thing! I join with everyone else in saying we’re pulling for you and of course it’s not a reoccurrence! We’ll be sending hope and happy thoughts your way – with all of us behind you, it has to work!
Hugs from afar,
Joyce M

Dear Patsy,
So sorry to hear about your dad, and it must have been terrible for you to see him in so much pain. At least he is finally at peace. All my sympathy,
Joyce M