missingwayne
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Lainy,
Is T in a inpatient hospice place or in the hospital? The hospital was good about giving Wayne the meds. In fact they took him off some of the meds when we transfered to inpatient hospice. One of the first things they did when we got there was to call a social worker in for me and my daughter and a hospice doctor in for Wayne. The doctor talked to us about two hours after he saw Wayne. We were only inpatient for 27 hours but during that time he received the most excellent care. He only was in pain one time that he screamed out when they were turning him to change the sheets, he had thrown up blood, the aide ask him “Mr. Sanders what is hurting you.” He said in a loud voice, “You are.” This was one of the last times that he spoke.
Tell them you need to talk to the hospice doctor, they are familar with all cancers, they know what they are talking about.
I pray that y’all have a better day today, and that God looks over and keeps y’all in his hands.
We all wish we could be there to help you, we could all fuss and cry together.
Love,
Terry
Lainy, I am so glad to hear from you. I never even got it when they moved Wayne to hospice. Even before burial, I was waiting for him to sit up and just say I was kidding. Wayne had so much fluid build up, that he never looked thin, one time they took off ll liters of fluid which was 24 lbs., another time 16 liters which was 40 lbs.
My couselor said that our lives were so intangled with each other that you couldn’t split us up. We were married for 35 years, he had a above knee amputation in 1990 and open heart surgery in 1999. I was his caregiver and best friend. We didn’t need anyone else we had each other and now, I have my dogs.
It still feels like when I get home he should be there.
I had heard about hospice, but this was my first real experience. Everyone that does this work are special people, they are God’s angels. We were only in patient for 27 hours, but they made it bariable. My Mom had hospice that came to the nursing home, but that was only for a week.
As my counselor they have to have a special calling, I believe from God.
God will look over you and Teddy, but if you need help don’t wait so long to get couseling like I did, I was at the point of ending it all. The couselor I use, uses a sliding scale, my income dropped 75% when God called Wayne home.
God be with you and keep you tight in his hands.
Lainy,
My husband passed away nine months ago. We were only in hospice for 27 hours. The nurse ask my daughter and I if we had received the blue book yet, we said no and he brought us two copies. It is a small book only about 16 pages long, but tells what to expect from months to hours before death.
As we looked through the book we could see nearly all the things that had already happened. One of the things is pulling at their clothing or bed sheets, pulling them from side to side, even looking under them. Also, he would reach up with his arm as to touch something, bring it back down and look into his hand and shake his head, he did this for several days. The last day he slept mostly, until the gurgle, a noise if you hear it you will never forget it. He gurgled for the last hours of life on earth.
My advice is to find a couselor when you can, the couselor will seem like your best friend. Things that I can’t talk about even with my daughter who was also with me at the time when Jesus called him home, I can talk to her about it. It is very difficult to talk of that moment with anyone. My couselor has gone through alot of rough times with me in the last five months, she doesn’t give me answers she guides me to help find them. I was ready to give up and thought about ended the pain, and she talks me back to life.
My Mom passed away last week, guess who shows up at the funeral home, you guessed my couselor, she wanted to check on me to see how I was doing. No one knew who she was, just me, but on another day that I could have gone all to pieces, she was there.
Individual counseling is the best, I went to group for 6 weeks, it is hard to confide in a group, everyone takes grief in a different way. I always thought I was strong, I had to be, Wayne had been disabled for 22 years, but when it came down to it, I was like a new born kitten.
Michael, I lost my husband Wayne to cc nine months ago. There is not a day or hour that I don’t think of him. Then last week my mother also passed to God’s presence.
For the first few months I went to the doctor, but I thought I could handle this on my own. Wrong, in June I started six weeks at hospice group couseling, and weekly individual couseling. I don’t know where I would be without that individual couseling, she has become like a best friend. She knows things about me that know one else knows. I can tell her anything. She has talked me through times that I just wanted to end it all. She has me promise I will not miss a session. These couselors or not here to judge but to walk you through the months, or however long it takes for you to be able to somewhat whole again.
This morning while getting dressed for work, I was listening to a minister, he was asked the question of how long we should grieve. He told the listeners that everone has there own time line no one is the same. So, of course that set off the tears. When I shut my eyes I can see his last few minutes and it isn’t pretty, I don’t talk about that except to the couselor.
When my couselor found out that my mother passed away she came to the funeral home to see how I was. No one else knew who she was, but she was a knight in shining armor to me.
I believe in individual counseling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two weeks ago they called in hospice for my Mom. My brother and I sat at the nursing home both day and night. She went to Jesus on Nov. 21st. It has been 9 months since cc took my Wayne away. Two major losses in nine months. During that two weeks at the nursing home, a couple of my friends came over to check on me. I guess I had let my guard down a liitle because I let them in my box I have surrounded myself with.
Some of the thoughts that I told them about was unbelievable to them. You seem so strong, that’s on the outside. Neither one has expericenced a great loss. No one knows how they would handle it unless they live it. I would be very happy to change spots with them. Having my loving husband at home, and my Mom a phone call away.
Sometimes it feels like it would be a lot easier to give in to my feelings and give up. Then I realize I have a wonderful daughter that loves me very much, she thinks I’m crazy a lot of the time, but we love each other. My son he seems to love me if he needs something.
As long as I’m talking to people I know and my couselor I can carry on a half way good conversation. Just let me talk to someone else I start stuttering, I mix up my language, and can’t remember anything.
One week for one and 9 months for the other, Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!
Darla,
I am still going to therapy once a week, if it wasn’t for that I know I would be crazy. It has been 9 months since Wayne went to see Jesus, and then last week my mother joined him. Two major losses in my life it 9 months. I thought I was getting better then now I feel like I’ve taken a huge step backwards.
When I go to therapy I can talk to her, I know I’ve let her into my defensive box that I’ve had around me for years. I thought I always had to be the one that had to fix things, make them all better, but I can’t fix these things. I went to a after hours doctor the other day, I couldn’t even talk to them I couldn’t think, I know I must have sounded totally crazy. But when I have to go into new situations, I can’t handle it.
My husband had been sick off and on for 30 years, for the last 22 I was caregiver. I know what you mean about the doctors, they don’t tell you anything. They didn’t tell me it was stage 4 until one week before he passed. Then he gave him six months, two days later three months, then another doctor came in and said we needed to move to hospice, he went to see Jesus 27 hours later.
I saw that doctor in the ER with my Mom, my daughter had to make me go the other way, I don’t know exactly what I would have said face to face, but I don’t think it would have to nice.
Now Christmas, I might just sleep through it.
Terry
The season has just begun and I am already having a rough time. Nine months ago my husband passed away to cc, then I lost my Mom last week.
So, it is a double loss. She had been in a nursing home for three years, when Wayne passed I spent my evenings after work with her. Now what?
Last night I went to my weekly grief couseling, I thought I was getting a little better then this. I have been going to therapy since June, I’m told one thing that I’ve been a caregiver for 30 years, now I’m suddenly not in that role. I tried to go with my daughter like we do traditionly every year the day after Thanksgiving, I was not in spirit of the day, I was home by 6:30 am. This year I have to deal with two major losses. Please keep me in your prayers.This is Terry again, yesterday I went shopping to get some things for around the house and food. I ended up with cold drinks and crackers to eat, then I forgot them at home today. When I got home last night the light in the living room was out, I put one bulb in, as I was taking out the other bulb it broke off into my hand, that was all it took to set me off. I really tried to get the broken part out but I couldn’t. I know that he probably could not have either but it didn’t matter, I sat down started with crying and I ended up screaming and crying. It’s just not fair, somethings he could not do because of his numerous disabilities, but his ability of telling me how to fix things made us closer. I broke down for about thirty minutes, then it occurred to me, I have guns under my bed, that made me stop crying, I never even went and looked at them, but I guess just knowing their there. I’ve never shot one in my life, but it stopped the tears. I go to the doctor today, she had told my daughter to take the guns to her house, I guess she’ll be talking to her again. I don’t understand why it has to hurt so bad, LOVE is beautiful, it’s not that I lost love, it’s just my love is in another place, in Heaven waiting on me.
I also had someone to compare their divorce to my husband’s death. It still makes me so mad I can’t see straight. When I read this on your post tears just flowed for the pain it causes me.
Last week was a bad week, I went to the doctor she was ready to admit me to the mental ward, the therapist agreed but I talked them out of it. By the end of the week, I had been fussed at about things I couldn’t remember.
So tomorrow is our 36th wedding anniversary, I’m taking off work, I don’t really have any plans, I’m going to see if my daughter would like to do something together, if not I’ll stay at home, can’t get into much touble there.The old song said “Love is a many splendid things,” but is the word for love that is there, but you can no longer see it, or feel it. I guess it would be faith. I’ve always had faith but I didn’t think I would have to have it alone.
I am so sorry for you and your girls. Go to therapy, I went to hospice group for six weeks and have been going to individual for three months. I know to the money problem I was lucky one of my dearest friends is paying for my individual. When I leave therapy I feel good, and refreshed like going to church, but it doesn’t take long for the pain to return. Hospice or the cancer society also has therapy for at least your oldest daughter, it has been a heaven sent for me. Each day is difficult, but all we can do is lean on the Lord and pray. My birthday is this month, I am going through alot of medical problems then our wedding anniversary is on the 28th, all first. My Wayne was diagnoised 7-1-09 he went to see Jesus 2-17-10. I don’t care if someone had been married a thousand years, it would not be long enough to say everything you wanted to say. I’ll be praying for you!
Terry Sanders
You know it seems that days go by so slow, then all of a sudden it’s been six months, but as I look back it seems like yesterday. My doctor told me to let myself get angry and mad, but most people don’t understand why you would have those feelings. I’m still going to individual therapy, thank goodness, one week I feel like I’m OK then the next week I’m falling apart all over the place, I guess it’s normal, but what is normal these days. Thanks for listening.
Dear Daughter, My husband woke up during the night about a year ago with severe pain in his back. We went in to the ER, they ran a CT scan and showed us all kinds of things that were not suppose to be there. When we went to the oncologist he did a tumor marker which was nearly 5,000, suppose to only be about 30. He also did a pet scan. The next week we had a port put in, ready to go for chemo. Chemo made him sick about 28 days a month, by Nov. his tumor markers had came down to over 900, the tumor had shrunk. Then we started to having a blood issue 2 transfusions, and procrit injections. All this and having to balance his INR with coumadin and lovenox injections. Soon after Christmas 2 more transfusions. He woke up on Jan 27th throwing up blood, and with a huge bruise on his side, ER here we come. Three days in ICU 6 more units of blood. then 17 days in hospital then off to hospice for 27 hours. The doctor never told us stage 4 until one week before, then he told me it was stage 4 in July. We weren’t given a choice of treatment, what kind, how much, or if any. I tell you what what I saw the love of life go threw those six months, I would never ever take chemo for me. Sometimes you have to weight quanity with quailty. This way we got neither. The only thing we got was pain, sick to the stomach all day, could not even stand the look at water. I love with with all my heart, but without their little bags of tricks. Maybe some pain meds, and nausa, maybe something for strength. I WILL NEVER TAKE CHEMCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started therapy Tuesday, with group from Hospice, it was good, I cried a lot the lady with me didn’t seem to cry at all. The therapist said crying is good for you, it expells hormones that would stay in us. I should be hormone free by now, how about y’all. The individual therapist asked me about anger, I said yes, I am not angry at Wayne, or God, but to a certain doctor that wasn’t up front with us. She said I need to try to release my anger, ask my daughter I will.
Today was not the time for that, for today is Wayne’s 60th birthday. Our daughter and I spent the day together, doing a lot of the things that we did last year together. Last year we celebrated his birthday at Cracker Barrell, of course we were late, so our daughter had them to sing Happy Birthday to him. Two months after Wayne went to see Jesus, we went in there, I had a shirt that said My husband was so brave God made him an angel, the waitress gave me a gold coin with Jesus on one side and the Lord’s Supper on the other, it stays with me always. Today I had a shirt with Wayne’s picture on in In Loving Honor of my Husband Wayne. On one side it said sunrise 6-10-1950, the other side sunset 2-17-2010, we all had a hug and a cry. Angels are all around us!!!!Brian’s wife, I know where you are coming from, as I sit here reading these replies tears are rolling down my face. My Wayne went to see Jesus 2-17-10. I’m starting individual therapy Friday, and grief counseling at hospice the following Tuesday. My daughter tells me I need to think of happy thoughts, there is no happy thoughts. We have been married 35 years, his family has not called to see if me or my children are living or not. My sister and brother has not called either. I have eight nieces and nephews nothing. My real family is most of the people I work with. Everyone says you need a support group, good luck. I wonder why I need therapy so much, I can’t wait to see him again.
