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Dear Itfoundusin2011,
I lost my Mom to this monster in April 2009. Some of the things I’ve learned are Grief is the price we pay for love. You will find grieving the hardest job you’ve ever faced. There is no timetable for grief and no two people will grieve in the same way or timeframe. Be gentle on yourself and give it time. Eventually you will work through your grief and the good memories will replace the bad ones.
You are a wonderful legacy your Mom leaves behind. Take care. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Pamre: picking at sheets and clothes…
“Terminal restlessness” is the term I’ve heard. From my reading about 80 percent of patients will experience this. Some of it may be due to comfort issues like a full bladder, a bed sore or medication side effects but there may not be any physical reason. In some cases something such as a seditive may be prescribed. We were also given something for the rattling sound which helped.
My Mom followed Margaret’s flow chart exactly. Remember that hearing is one of the last senses to go. I remember whispering in her ear that we would be ok and loved her…..that it was ok to go….. That seemed to calm her and within a few moments she had left our loving arms and moved into her heavenly father’s arms.
These are precious moments you are living…..
Jose, we are all here for you!
Hugs,
PamJose,
Hang in there! I know how it feels to be devastated. Try and jot a list of questions you have for the Doctor. It’s easier to work from a list. Then make sure your questions get answered.
I’m sending hugs and prayers to you! Your sister is very lucky to have you in her corner!
Hugs,
PamDear SugarPlumFairy,
So sorry you had to join this roller coaster. Tomorrow April 3, will mark three years since I diagnosed my Mom’s cancer. She lived almost exactly one year from diagnosis.
You are experiencing the most insidious part of this monster of a disease and that is the Anticipatory grief. I know it’s hard but “live in the moment” is one of the best bits of advice I can give. Make memories. One of the things I miss most is the sound of my Mom’s voice. I would love to have one of those Hallmark books with the sound of her voice reading it.
Hospice was a godsend to us…especially when you believe it’s about LIVING with cancer. They can offer amazing help, equipment and services.
Take care, stay strong and remember we are all here for you.
Hugs,
PamDeb,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know the feeling of being annoyed with people that just don’t understand.
Tomorrow will be three years since I lost my Mom to this horrible disease. I remember so well the feelings that came when I finally came out of the fog of helping plan a funeral, giving my Mom’s eulogy, writing all of the thank you notes, comforting my Dad and my husband, children and my sister and her family. It was almost as if I woke up two months later with everything done that needed to be completed. Grief nearly blindsided me. I felt as if everyone had moved on and here I was needing help….lots of it. My “best” friend even told me to “get over it and get on with the rest of my life.
It was only my fear of prison that kept me from doing what I really wanted to…..
I think most people are frightened of death and have no skills in how to comfort someone. One of my fondest memories is on the first anniversary of my Mom’s death one of the nurses in the hospital where I work, walked into my lab with a piece of cheesecake and two forks. She said she remembered my Mom’s advice to always have dessert first and we were going to honor her and eat the cheesecake in her memory.
Silly? yes. but comforting oh yes!!! She remembered.
Please read some of the letters from our Dr. Giles on this site. He has great advice.
Remember……Grief is the price we pay for loving…..
We’ll be here with you on your next journey. Grief is the hardest job I think we ever have. There is no timetable and no two people will every grieve in the same way. Here we understand. This site has helped me so much.
Hugs…
PamRachael,
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. Tomorrow will be three years since I lost my Mom to this disease.
Please know I will hold you and your family tightly in my prayers. Please come back here often. This site has helped me so much in my journey through grief.
Hugs,
PamOh Percy,
I didn’t want to hear this news. What an amazing woman! The good news is she is at peace and no longer fighting this horrible monster of a disease. Tomorrow will be three years since I lost my Mom.
Please take care of yourself and send my love, hugs and condolences to your wonderful family.
Hugs,
PamOK….I know you are going to think I’m crazy but there is a product called….. ANTI MONKEY BUTT POWDER…
This is an amazing powder. I sent it to my Marine in Afghanistan and they swore by it. I’ve gotten it at Walgreens and Walmart. They have a great website you can google. http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/
It is amazing for chafing and sore bottoms. They even make a baby one.
Ok….I have to admit it gave me a giggle to go in and ask where it was located in the store…..
Pam
Nan,
HOSPICE IS NOT ABOUT DYING WITH CANCER….BUT WITH LIVING WITH CANCER!!!!
I made the arrangements long before ever broaching the subject with my Mom and Dad. In truth, I was so frightened for my Dad…the one without the cancer. He was terrified to leave her alone to even go to the grocery store and I lived 3 1/2 hours away.
Hospice was a godsend. When Mom was more unsteady on her feet they provided a shower chair. I was sure she would fall in the shower and take Daddy down with her. When it was determined oxygen would make her feel better thery brought it. She had a nurse that came three times a week to check her bloodwork and kept an eye on pain meds. They provided several really nice ladies that came and “visited” Mom for 2 or 3 hours. This gave Daddy time to go to the grocery store or the pharmacy or out to breakfast or lunch with some of his close friends. He could simply relax for an hour or so.
In a lot of ways Hospice made it easier to concentrate on Mom. Daddy said just knowing he could pick up the phone day or night and get an answer or help from someone was huge! Just knowing that he was able to bounce a feeling or observation off of a neutral third party was wonderful.
As I said, Mom had a nurse, a shower/hair person, a social worker who came and chatted and always brought a huge bouquet of flowers, companions to come and chat. My Mom was a very outgoing and self reliant person so I really wasn’t sure she would accept this. I had to have the talk with her first and one afternoon told her how worried I was about Daddy. She may have been hesitant at first but once I played “the Daddy card” she was onboard.
They made a tremendous impact on our lives and they were a godsend. Here is the link for the Hospice and palliative care we had in Greensboro. The link has tons of information on it about Hospice in general. Make an appointment with your local Hospice and go and talk with them. You don’t have to commit right away. Just having the information is empowering.
And remember……..THE FIRST RULE OF CAREGIVING IS YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER FIRST!!!!!!!
Here is the palliative care link…
http://www.hospicegso.org/about-hpcg/hpcg-services/palliative-care
This is hard but we never regretted it. Daddy has said numerous times how thankful he was that some things could be handled so he could concentrate on the love of his life. Mom died two weeks before their 58th wedding anniversary…….
Shar,
One of the things the doctors prescribed for my Mom was an appetite enhancer. It was really an amazing change and helped her tremendously.
You may also try smaller meals and protein supplements. The one we used was from a website called unjury.com. I still use it today. We mixed it with Carnation instant breakfast and Mom loved it. Your Mom’s oncology team should have a nutritionalist that may be of help to you as well.
Hang in there!
Hugs,
PamMedically speaking getting the port was a godsend for my Mom. It simplified things trememdously.
Being in the medical field I was my Mom and Dad’s advocate and translator. I have NO fear of doctors and challenged them whenever necessary. (Of course being a Southern Belle, I had to use the iron fist in the velvet glove approach but made my points!)….lol
On a non medical side the thing I miss the most is hearing my Mom’s voice.
I would have given a million dollars to have her voice reading one of the audio books Hallmark now has on the market. For months I dialed her work phone in the middle of the night just to hear her voice mail recording. I tried to get a friend to record it but it really didn’t work. I was devastated the night I called and found it was someone else’s phone now.I never thought I would say this but I now treasure ALL of those trips from New Bern to Greensboro to pick up Mom and Dad and drive them to Duke. We sang, we talked – in short we made memories.
Treasure each day, each trial, each setback, each triumph….you’ll never be sorry.
Hugs to all on this journey….
PamDear ANP,
What a beautiful tribute to an amazing man! There is a very special bond between Daddies and their daughters and it sounds as if you had one of the best!
Grieving is the hardest job you will ever tackle. There is no right or wrong way and no two people grieve in the same way. There is no timetable but you will get through this. This is a time where you just take things one step at a time.
I think Marian said it best….Grief is the price we pay for love.
We are all still here for you. Come often. I lost my Mom April 3, 2009. You never forget but the good memories gradually come to the forefront. I think this is part of the grief process. I can still be unhinged smelling my Mom’s perfume on someone while shopping. I still miss her more than words can say but I’m rmembering more and more of the good memories and times.
I’m sending hugs and prayers for strength to you and your family.
Hugs,
PamDear Kandre,
I understand the feelings of helplessness but know we are all here for you. We have seen very good results here with the various chemos. I know you will feel better when you have a plan of action in place. It’s so hard watching someone you love battle this monster of a disease. Please take care of yourself (as the caregiver) and come back often and let us know how things are progressing.
Sending hugs and prayers for strength and healing!
Hugs,
PamI have a very good friend that lives in Cape Town. Are you close to that?
Dear Hans,
Our Kris was an amazing woman! I think of her a lot especially whenever I see daffodils. We were all fortunate that we were able to share part of her life and gain so much from her insights into this monster of a disease.
Your quote is one I have in my computer at work. I have shared it and Kris’ story with several people that were either terminal or had a family member facing a terminal diagnosis. Her incredible hope was infectious and will be such a legacy that she leaves behind.
I hope your pain of losing Kris is morphing into the memories of how incredibly lucky you were to share her life. I think of the both of you often.
Hugs!
Pam
