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Terry,

I know exactly what you are feeling. Mom died April 3, 2009 and I still have bad days.

I can categorically state that GRIEF HAS NO TIMETABLE!!!! You just have to work through it at YOUR OWN PACE. I can tell you in time it will become a bit easier and eventually you will remember the good memories and not so much the bad ones.

I am still astounded that the world has seemed to go back to it’s own definition of normal after my Mom has died!! I had a “good friend” tell me after a couple of weeks to “get over it”….crying and grieving would not bring my Mom back….

It was only my southern upbringing and fear of prison that kept me from attacking her on the spot.

Death and dying is a very uncomfortable subject for most people. The ones that have been the most supportive and kindest are people who have lost a loved one. Most people fear death and don’t really know what to say or do so they do nothing and say nothing or say the wrong things. I choose to seek out the friends that have lost a spouse or parent and they were the ones I could open up to and vent. Just hearing the words…”I know”… and know they meant it spoke volumes to me. These people were the ones that knew from experience that sometimes I needed to rage and vent and sometimes just talk about my Mom.

You really haven’t had a great deal of time to process your grief. You’ve lost a husband and a Mom in a very short period of time and you were the caregiver!

Your body and mind has been given a major shock. I think after losing a loved one we are in a state of merciful shock and a protective numbness. By the time we venture out of this fog, most of the world has gone on it’s merry way and in their minds we should be all better and over it. That’s not how it goes.

Be gentle with yourself. I think seeing the therapist is a great help. I too understand about questioning God. I was furious at him for a good while but as my minister told me it was ok….God was big enough and could deal with it and would love me just the same.

Grief is a process. I’m finding there is an ebb and flow to it. Some days I think I’m almost back to “normal”…and then there are days and things that happen that makes it feel as if I’ve just lost Mom. I can still be blindsided by walking through a store and pass someone wearing her perfume. I opened one of her purses I kept the other day and disolved into a puddle of tears just smelling the scent.

Remember no one is happy all day every day. You have every right to be unhappy…you’ve lost two of the people most precious to you!

Be gentle with yourself…try to eat right and sleep. It will get better.

Come here….we are all here for you and WE UNDERSTAND!!!

I’m sending prayers for strength and understanding and tons of love and hugs…

Pam

Oh Erica,

I’m so sorry to hear this! You are an amazing daughter and have been such a comfort to your Mom.

I lost my Mom on April 3, 2009 and I know the pain you are going through.

Please take some comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain. I’m sending you prayers for strength, hugs and tons of love to you and your family.

My heart is breaking for you….
Pam

Terry,

What a perfectly lovely way to remember your beloved! The first year is so hard in trying to find a new “normal”. I think it says volumes about your progress in that you took the day off from work and made the day your own!

Wayne would be proud of the positive steps you are taking.

I’m sending hugs and tons of love….you ARE going to be ok!

Pam

Joolz…

Somedays it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed! I’m sorry it was that kind of day for you. I guess the good news is there is a plan “B”.

There ARE other chemo combinations and I would always look into clinical trials.

I (like Lainy) enjoyed the mental picture of a hovering husband!

I understand how hard it is to keep everyone informed. I used everything from phone calls to emails, to mass emails, facebook and twitter to keep everyone up on my Mom’s illness. You sound as if you’ve got all of the shortcuts in place.

I’m sending love, hugs and tons of prayers your way! Hang in there!

Pam

Hi Ronidinkes,

I think Wendy’s letter to you covers it all. It’s so hard to have to “parent” a parent. I also agree with Lainy about the anticipatory grief. I know from experience how horrible it can be. You almost have to turn off that part of your brain and learn to live in the moment. It’s so very hard to do when faced with the prospect of losing a loved one.

I agree you have to respect your Mom’s wishes. The most insidious thing cancer does is take away a patient’s control over everything…even their body has betrayed them.

You are doing everything right. I would advise you to get Hospice involved. They can be a godsend to you. That said, you have to take care of yourself (THE CAREGIVER). I know right now you are exhausted mentally, physically and emotionallly. Giving yourself as little as 20 minutes for a walk or a bath can help immensely.

I lost my Mom to this disease almost 2 years ago and I still can be blindsided by the tears….so I’m still not sure how many there can be…

I’m sending hugs, prayers for strength and love.

Rest assured you are NOT blabbering….come back often…we are all here for you!

Hugs,
Pam

Sarah,

I’m so sorry for you and Hannah. What a wonderful mom you must be to turn this tragedy into something so beautiful as looking at Ben’s star and talking to him with his daughter.

These next few weeks will be hard but Ben leaves a wonderful legacy behind in his beautiful bride and his loving daughter.

My heart is breaking for you but I’m sending hugs, prayers for strength and tons of love to you and Hannah.

We are here when you need us…
Pam

What a beautiful picture of our Kris! You can’t ignore that twinkle in her eyes. This is how I’ll remember Kris and I’ll think of her anytime I see daffodils…..

Pam

Oh Beth I didn’t want to see this…..

Dave was so incredibly strong and he fought a valiant fight. He was so blessed to have you by his side the entire way. Daddies have such a special bond with their daughters and Maycie had one of the best. She will be a wonderful legacy that he leaves behind.

I’m sending prayers for strength, tons of love and hugs to you and your family.

My heart is breaking for you….

Pam