jmoneypenny
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Dear Tess,
I know how you feel and I’m so sorry for your loss. Sometimes I have a question about my childhood or something that happened a long time ago and I realize there’s no one to ask anymore – the one person who knew me for my entire life, knew everything about me, shared everything with me, is gone. Or I hear a song that my mother loved, or hear a phrase that used to be part of our little inside jokes, and it makes me smile, but no one else knows or remembers (even my sister). Then I get all weepy and I allow myself to wallow in it – why not? Even after 2 years, I’m allowed to be a wreck sometimes.I miss being the caregiver, miss knowing that she’s SOMEWHERE and I can see her every day. When she was taking her last breaths, I told her “It’s okay to go, it’s okay” because I wanted her to be at peace, but as soon as she died, I said, “I lied – it’s not okay – don’t go!” And I still kinda feel that way. I spent a year being very busy, restoring her house, putting it on the market, straightening out all her affairs as executor of her will, and as soon as that was over, I had nothing left to do for her. I would so love to have something I could do for her, to feel close to her.
Sorry for the maudlin post – your words really struck a chord, and I’m feeling maudlin today. I wish you some peace in your journey through this grief.
Joyce M
Dear Tess,
I am so sorry about your dad. He sounds like a wonderful man, and I’m sure he knew how lucky he was to have such a caring and loving daughter. His spirit and optimism will live on through you and your children. May he rest in peace.
Joyce MOh, I feel your pain so much. I agree with you completely. I still get depressed on the 22nd of every month, and now it’s been 2 years, 1.5 months since my mother died. It DOES get better, but it always hurts.
Joyce MHi Barbara,
So sorry your dad is so uncomfortable. As others have said, I would get another opinion about getting the ascites drained. My mother had the pregnant belly, too, and they never drained her or even suggested it – I guess I didn’t know this site well enough to ask all the right questions. She developed shortness of breath from her enlarged abdomen pushing on her lungs, and it was very scary for her. They did give her Lasix, a water pill, to help her get rid of some of the fluid, and that gave her some relief.After that, she went into hospice care and they never mentioned drainage, either. By then the swelling moved more to her ankles, knees and thighs, and eventually was leaking out of her pores – a sign of the end, I was told. But don’t be alarmed – there are people on this site who have lived with ascites, had them drained several times over a period of YEARS and they’re stilll around to talk about it! It’s very individual, as is everything with this horrible disease.
Here’s hoping your dad (and you) find some relief and comfort.
Thinking of you,
Joyce MHi Katie,
I wanted to welcome you and say wow, you have a great attitude! You have every reason to be positive, as you’re young and only stage 2 and were able to have resection – that’s really great news. Gemzar and Gemcitabine are different names for the same thing, pretty much, and the pretty standard treatment for this. Of course they’re going to be extra aggressive treating you, just to be on the safe side, and they figure you’re young enough to take it.I wish you all the luck in the world – keep smiling!
Joyce M
Robyn,
I completely understand your need to know and understand what’s happening with this disease. As for your comment, Kristin, about having a doctor answer this question, I know that I was told, and others were told, many of these answers by DOCTORS themselves – and the answers are all different! It seems they have their own theories and can’t agree, or there is just too much variation in what happens. Also, it seems some tumors are faster-growing than others. And also, intrahepatic seems to present with less symptoms than extrahepatic, until the very end.As for the emotional component that Rose May brought up, I hesitate to give it too much credence, because it just seems too much like blaming the victim. Sure, there are people with great attitudes who beat this thing (look at Jeff G) – so it CAN help in some cases. But there are others with equally positive outlooks who succumb very quickly. Once again, no clear-cut answers.
Hoping we find some real answers soon,
Joyce M
The other Joyce wants to chime in and say, “Wow – Kris, that was such a beautiful, unselfish, warm and wonderful thing to post!” The fact that you’re taking the time to lift our spirits when you’ve been through so much yourself – well, you’re just the best!!!
Keep us updated on your progress (and that goes for everybody).
Joyce MPlease clarify me if I’m wrong (I know there are much better experts than me out there), but I was under the impression that the liver can keep going at a very low capacity, but it’s the kidneys that shut down because they are so dependent on the liver, so it’s actually kidney failure that happens before liver failure. I think that’s what a doctor told me (in a much more logical and scientific way). Also, I had heard about infections being a natural part of the process, as a few people said. And some tumors just start growing incredibly quickly.
I feel terrible — being so clinical about this, but it’s an interesting question and something we need to understand in order to beat this disease. Thanks for bringing this up, Robyn, and all my best wishes to you, your mom and your family.
Joyce M
Dear Carol,
My grief is over my mother, and not a husband, so I know the circumstances are different, but I know exactly what you mean. I kept getting the “you’re so lucky she went fast, and didn’t suffer” speech. Also, “you’re so lucky to have had a mother for so long – some people don’t have that.” And yes, I’ve been guilty of saying the same thing to people!!! I guess a part of me acknowledges that yes, I am lucky to have had such a wonderful person in my life, but that’s just being too rational. When you’re grieving or in anticipatory grief, you don’t feel LUCKY at all. It’s HELL. You just wonder why you can’t be one of those people whose loved ones live to a ripe old age, happy and healthy. It just doesn’t seem fair.This cancer knocks you down and sometimes it makes things worse to try to make people see the “sunny side” – there really are times when there is no sunny side when you’re going through this nightmare. You’re entitled to feel this way – you’re going through so much, and you have such a huge burden to bear. I hope, as you said, tomorrow is a better day, but just the fact that you’re putting one foot in front of the other is enough for now. You’re not superhuman and you can’t do this alone. I hope you find strength in your loved ones to help you – you are such a strong woman to have gone through so much already, and sometimes you need to share the pain.
Cyberhugs,
Joyce MDear Kris,
Good luck with the cell poison! A fellow redhead (strawberry-blonde, whatever you want to call it) is rooting for you!
-Joyce MDear Magic and Teresa,
I think I know exactly what you mean – I sometimes read posts and think “that person will be gone soon” but I can’t say it, can’t take away their hope based on my own experience (and I could be wrong), and I don’t want to be a downer. So I usually stick to the Grieving and Remembrance sections when I want to contribute. My mother lasted two months after diagnosis, and it’s not a story people want to hear if they’re still fighting this disease – and I certainly don’t blame them. But I do think there’s a place for those of us who were left behind so brutally and quickly by this horrible disease. There’s a small band of us who are devastated and feel free to vent and express all their emotions. I know I’ve dealt with – I’m STILL dealing with – anger, depression, hopelessness, guilt and just plain grief.So please, Magic and Teresa, please know that there are many of us here who are in a similar boat and we want to hear what you have to say. Like I said, the Remembrance and Grieving sections are perfect for letting loose with all the thoughts that are burdening you – and you can be heard by people who truly understand, because they’re going through the same thing. No one expects you to put on a smiling face or “get over it.” You’re entitled to all your feelings and it may help to share them a bit. I know it’s helped ME.
Joyce M
Darla, you are a darling and I wish I had your way with words. What a comfort you are, to so many people. Your husband was so lucky to have you.
Dear Lulu,
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, your best friend, your childhood sweetheart. There is nothing that can soften a blow like that – you’re completely justified in feeling angry, sad, depressed, confused. We’re all right there with you.I hope you find some comfort in memories and in the passage of time, but I know right now the pain is too fresh. Please take some time for yourself – whatever you need to heal, no matter what people may tell you. It’s time to be selfish and attend to what you need so that life may be bearable again. I grieve for you and wish you all the best in this very terrible time.
Joyce M
Dear Pam,
All good thoughts and prayers are going out to you, your mom and your dad. Hopefully your mom will have some relief soon.
Hugs,
Joyce MDear Kelly,
So sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. My heart goes out to you. We’re all hoping for more research and understanding of this disease, so you’ve brought up a good topic about the colon connection. I hope there is some research into that going on.Walk:
Can you tell me what simvastatin is? Is it a cholesterol drug? Why is it widely used? Just wondering – my mother was on cortisone at various times, and I think that was a factor in her decreased immunity.
