melissapalma

This is the poem I wrote for my mother and read at her memorial on Saturday.

I Remember
By Melissa Palma

I remember a wild childhood
barefoot, exploring flowers, insects and rocks on the grass, in the sun, up close
finding possums on our nature trail
swimming hanging on to wolfie’s fur
listening for woodpeckers and killdeer
crossing the country road to gather eggs from the coop and visit the piglets
eating a regular dose of ipecac with every new poisonous plant I consumed
being barefoot and happy and free

I remember mom talking to everyone around her, like at her recent appointments at the cancer center-
“I like your pin. Is that a chickadee? Have you seen any blue birds this summer? We got babies this year. Do your Baltimore oriels prefer orange slices or grape jelly? Oh yeah? You live off Huron River Drive? You must know the Finley’s. They live over there too. Your maiden name is Struble? So is mine. We must be cousins.”
and on and on and on like this, with everyone

I remember an open door
never locked
no one knocked
our house was open to anyone, a refuge from the trouble in their life
our mom was the cool mom because she let you be you
always accepting and never judging
you could be fully yourself
I remember how special she made us all feel

I remember her adventurous spirit
taking us to Mexico to ride horses on the beach
Hawaii to explore volcanoes
Chile to try native fish head soup
and just one year ago, St. John to snorkel
and mom probably had cancer but we didn’t know it yet
and we handled the hurricane with grace
fully embracing our time together

I remember talking to mom almost every day for the last 40 years
talking about plans for the day, nothing special
and how I almost called her today, forgetting for a moment that she won’t ever answer
that we can’t talk about nothing special anymore

I remember my mom’s spunk, her feistiness
her boundless energy that inevitably inspired awe
she never sat still –
not until the very end

I remember her warm smile
her dry, biting, smart ass sense of humor that she inherited from my barber grandfather
and how every summer, we went to Bois Blanc where mom and I sat with our feet dangling out the back of the rusted red truck, driving down the one dirt road, singing-
Down by the old (not the new but the old)
Mill stream (not the river but the stream)
Where I first (not the second but the first)
Met you (not me but you)

I remember being so proud of my mom
she was an incredible phys. ed. teacher
she bought sneakers in all sizes for the kids who didn’t have any
she walked around the cafeteria using reverse psychology, just daring kids to try their broccoli and not love it
she had a library in her gym of women, physically challenged and minority athletes and when students read a book, she gave them a U of M cup

I remember my mom on the ground, in the dirt, in the garden
humming silly songs in the kitchen as she made homemade spatzen to go with the sauerkraut
deadheading flowers as she walked down Main Street
teaching me, my friends, my children,
anyone near her was a beneficiary of her endless love of teaching
and I remember the expanse of her love of her grandchildren
and their love of her as they bound to her excitedly exclaiming “Nana! Nana! Guess what?” as they jump into her lap, snuggle in and feel the loving warmth enveloping their little bodies

My mom was giving, loving, caring
compassionate, laughing, sharing

I remember loving her deeply
caressing her forehead
telling her to relax, that it’d be ok
and now it is, for her
she is free from pain and fear and for that I am grateful

but right now
it doesn’t feel ok for me
I miss her
I’m sad I have to remember
wanting the past to be present
wishing for a future tense with my mom

I am very sad to share that my mother passed last night at 10:45pm. I wanted more time with her and wanted my kids to grow up surrounded by her love and support but the next few months or even longer would have been filled with so much suffering due to her cancer so I believe this was the most compassionate and humane way she could have passed away. I will miss her so much.

Thanks everyone. I have spent the last 30 out of 34 hours at the hospital. My mom is not responding to people or opening her eyes. Yesterday when we first arrived, she had her eyes open and she smiled when she saw my brother and I but last night and today, she won’t open her eyes or respond no matter what the doctors do to arouse her. They don’t think she’ll make it out of the hospital but she has held steady today…no major changes. CT scans show no new swelling. Chest xrays show no new information. Pulse ox is lowering throughout the day and her breathing is labored. The docs think that respiratory issues are going to be the most problematic symptom. There were a few very scary moments last night with her breathing and she does not want to be resuscitated so we might have to make a quick decision to put her on morphine and that would signify end of life care because she would not be intubated. Agh. This is scary and exhausting and awful.

I’m curious jathy1125, did your mother recover from the stroke physically and mentally or was she pretty debilitated?

Thanks again everyone. I can use all the words of encouragement I can get. And please send healing energy, prayers, whatever you believe to my mother, Ann.

Thanks everyone. I think I will just emailed Dr Z, like you said Pam, because he responds better that way. And Helen, I totally agree with you that this is the perfect time to re-group and get strong again but today was another set back on that front. My brother found a really good oncologist nutritionist specialist and we’ve been waiting to see her for 2 months. Well this morning we got the call that she has an appointment open today at 4:45pm. Great news, right? Well, not exactly. My mom and dad had dinner plans and sad today is not a good day to go and since my brother is golfing, he can’t go either. I tried to tell my mom that her health is more important than seeing these friends tonight and that she should come first. I said that they will understand if she has to cancel. I said my dad could go to the restaurant and I’ll drop her off at 7pm after the appointment. I said that this is perfect timing because she has 2 weeks off any chemo where she can get stronger and healthier. It’s perfect timing also because I just took a chef over to meet her on Tuesday (is that just yesterday?) and for the chef and the nutritionist to work together while she is NOT on chemo is a great opportunity. She said no, not today. I started to cry and said that I am working so hard to help her but she is not taking herself seriously and all I want is for her to feel better and there’s an appointment today for her that could help her feel better and she won’t go and I don’t know when we can get back in again. Ugh! I feel very frustrated right now. I told my dad that I need to step back because I can’t care more about mom than she cares for herself. I can’t be more invested in her health than she is. I said these are all just choices we get to make and it is symbolically very significant that she is choosing dinner over going to this appointment today. I’m at a loss.