Pam Schubert Shares Her Story
I have known Pam only a few short months. In that time, we have discovered that we have some powerful life experiences in common. I experienced a hemorrhagic stroke that should have killed me or at the very least significantly disabled me – it did neither. Pam experienced leukemia – also likely to kill her but fate guided her path to the perfect donor, a perfect match that saved her life and cured her. Despite being one of the grateful ones, the thankful ones, Pam is now facing a second threat to her life, a second cancer. As we both know – the future is uncertain, and it takes both grace and dignity to face this life head-on. This is Pam’s story.
How do you live life, once diagnosed with a cancer that you are told will take your life in less than a year? For Pam the answer is straightforward – choose life. Life that is as full and complete as possible. To Pam, a full life includes reaching out to and caring for others. This story is part of her caring and kindness, a way to reach out to all who might be struggling to share her story as a way of saying you are not alone. Not only do you have friends and family, but you have just inherited an entire community of individuals who have or who are now walking this unwanted path. We hope that this short piece will bring solace and hope. While this is but one woman’s story – it is a shared experience that we hope we can all learn from.
Pam’s story is one of a life beset by challenges from cancer to alcoholism to divorce and death, each of which has taught her the import of resilience, strength, belief, and love. Pam’s story is one of strength and courage and optimism, a story to inspire others – especially those who have been diagnosed with a rare but life-threatening disease, Pam’s journey is focused on choosing life and offering those around her love and compassion for all the days ahead. Pam’s story is not only her legacy but her gift, a way to help all those who are in a similar position. People for whom a single moment, a single word, changed their life trajectory.
Cancer – the word alone causes one’s heart to race – to cause your mind to start tearing through a series of what ifs and what nows. How to live -how to continue to put one foot in front of the other. Do you fight – to win what many call a war on cancer (a one-sided war if you ask me) or do you strive to accept? What does that mean?
For Pam, this was not her first rodeo. She fought and won against leukemia. That was four years ago. She also lost a husband to brain cancer -14 years ago. So, when she heard that dreaded word, I am certain she most certainly couldn’t believe it was happening once again.
A little about Pam. She is 65 years old – retired from nursing as a result of her illness. She raised 3 beautiful children and is blessed with 5 grandchildren. She is both a cancer survivor and a cancer patient. Her life’s calling and passion is as a caregiver. For 35 years she worked as a nurse at Boston’s Children’s Hospital caring day in and day out for Boston’s most precious kids. After a career delivering care, she is now in the position of receiving care. A hard transition – one she struggles with each and every day. When I met Pam, the question she was struggling with was how at this stage of life – while being treated for an aggressive and life-threatening cancer, could she bring meaning to her days?
Two years ago, Pam was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma and told she had months to live (cancer #2 for her). This was not the first time she had heard the words “cancer” and “months to live.” Often those words come as a surprise – something you certainly don’t anticipate and something you (and those who love you) are never ready to hear. But we soldier on – for what choice do we have? Pam’s story is truly one of resiliency, belief, and a stubborn desire to make the most of life, to live each day, and to figure out how to continue to be a caregiver while in the position of a person being cared for.
Life changes and teaches us – especially in the most difficult of times. For cancer #1 Pam was a novice. She was 61 when she first heard the word leukemia. While frightened, she was urged to go with the process and not fight, let things happen, and amazingly, almost magically things went as well as possible, and she was successfully treated for, and cured of, leukemia. Cross cancer off her list… or so she thought.
Fast forward to 2021 – devastatingly another cancer diagnosis. Cancer #2 has been a far different experience. Rather than going with the flow this cancer journey has been filled with fighting (doctors and insurance companies), and more critically a fight with herself. What is the best path – does she fight for her life and make that fight a central part of her existence, or does she strive to focus on the magic of each day, imagining herself floating in the ocean. She wonders can you do both simultaneously? Questions I have heard her ask include Is it “right” for me to take medications that cost thousands of dollars a month – when those same dollars could be used to feed hungry children?” The ongoing struggle is that of being a patient who at her heart and soul is a caregiver. It has been 24 months since her diagnosis, and she has surpassed the initial life expectancy projected by her doctors. Today she tries to live a life of gratitude, thankful for new medications that seem to be keeping her alive but also wondering when and how does the journey end.
When Pam heard those dreaded words for the second time her response was to focus on today – as today is the only day – sometimes the only thing – she seems to have control over. One thing she knew she could do was to share her story with the hope and the prayer that many others – some known to her, others complete strangers – would find solace in knowing they were not alone. There are times when knowing someone else who has been on a similar path allows you to feel seen and understood. Others care but not understanding the challenges just makes the loneliness and challenges feel overwhelming.
As she faces a future of waiting for the cancer to come back and waiting to hear the bad news, she clings to today. Today is so much easier to look at and focus on. Creating memories is something she can do. She prizes her daily walks; something actually has control over. When so much of your life seems to be in the hands of others, doing something that you alone control is incredibly important. The overwhelming anxiety, panic, and depression that loss of control begets can be paralyzing. A daily walk can counteract the challenge of living each day with uncertainty and fear.
What else gets her through each day? Faith, family, friends, and the belief that every day on earth is a day she can give back. She looks to the writings of others who are in similar situations, their wisdom and strength offer her solace and remind her that she is not alone. She also makes a conscious effort to balance hopefulness with acknowledgment of just how hard it is to live with uncertainty.
What I have learned from Pam is the power of connections and the importance of faith. Look to your faith, whatever it might be, as a source of peace and strength to get up each day and make the very most of that day. Look to your friends and family, and to the community of persons living with cancer – those who most understand what you are living through and with. Spend time with friends or family, volunteer at a local food pantry, or do work for the cancer support organization of your choice.
The journey Pam is on, and that many of you have been or are on, is far from smooth or clear and is full of bumps (that’s why they call it a rollercoaster). When every ache and pain is a fear that the cancer is growing back, Pam would say, take a step back, a deep breath, and see that the sun is shining today. She and I are grateful for the opportunity to share her experience with the hope – from the depths of her being – that you know you are not alone. With faith and love, you will never walk alone.
Submitted by Pam Schubert