missingwayne

I always take one foot forward then two feet backwards. While I was eating lunch with a couple of co-workers today, one mentioned something about morphene. It hit like a flash of lightning, Wayne was allergic to morphene. Now I second guess myself if I had told them, I e-mailed his doctor’s office to see if they can look back into his records and see if I did. I then called my therapist, I told her what had happened, she said I can’t blame myself, she said Wayne didn’t fill out his own paperwork? No, I said, he would only put on there what he thought the doctor wanted to here. He said it was not my fought if it had not gotten on there. I have always filled out his paperwork, for 25 years, since his first illness after we were married. I just feel so guilty, and can feel all those bad thoughts creeping into my brain. If I didn’t tell them that could have been the reason he went down so fast. I feel like a failure again, it’s seems I can’t do anything right. In the last two years I feel like this person, who I don’t recognize.

I made a big step today, I mailed my new beneificaries to my two life insurance policies, and for my retirement. I know about time.

Thanks all, I live in Denham Springs, right outside of Baton Rouge, LA. Today is Thursday, I cried last night it wasn’t as bad as Saturday. My daughter was going to take off tomorrow to be with me, but last night she told me she couldn’t, so I’ll have to do this all alone. Her and I both will be off Monday and Tuesday for Mardi Gras. I know Tuesday she is going to parades. Been to one local parade Saturday, it was a home town family parade, there is no way I would go to the other kind. I’m planning on going to get my medicine in the morning, stop by her work at LSU, I guess I’ll go out to eat with me, might take it to the cemetary and have a picnic, that is if it’s not rainning. I will be there at his grave at 4:27 pm. My group is having a Valentine group thing tonight, I had decided not to go, but after I spoke to my therapist I decided to go. I try to think about all the good things, but right now all these pictures keep poping in my head of those last few days. Today was the day they told me we needed to go to hospice, OK I was in such denial. I don’t want to forget those pictures in my mind, but I would like to have the good one’s to take over.

Thanks,

I miss my Wayne so bad, this week I know is going to be the worse in the year. Valentine’s Day, then Friday 2 years. Saturday was a really hard night I was by myself like always. The crying started, the screaming started, and then I found one of his toys, in the top computer drawer. I’ve looked in that drawer a million times, never paid attention, to these small knives looking things, in a little thing that goes around your wrist. I felt them they really feel sharp, so I went down my arm then the other, I felt better soon I stopped crying. I tried to call my chaplain from my hospice group before I started no answer. No one but her and my therapist would understand, the hurt I’ve been going through.

You would not believe, or I think y’all maybe the only ones that would believe. Thursday night I went to bed as usual, medication for sleep and all. Well at 3:00 I woke up suddenly to Wayne’s voice, he only said one word “Terry”, it was so real, and I am positive it was his voice. So I go to work later that morning, I am so excited that I heard his voice. I met up with all the unbelievers, of course like I said most of them have not had a major loss. One told me I hope you didn’t answer because gives you bad luck, I lost my husband, and bestfriend, and you go home to yours, and I’ll have bad luck.
When I got home next door neighbor, I don’t know that well, asked how my day was, I said OK. He has been going to Bible study, so I told him of my exciting news, this man started to get into my space, I backed up, he came forward, I had my arms crossed, I backed up again, he said he wanted to touch, then he wanted me to look in his eyes, I told him that I was uncomfortable with this I left. I wondering if Wayne had come to warn me against this pervert. I haven’t had this problem since I was in high school. The next day I was going to go to my car, I saw him outside in the front yard, I shut and locked the door. I’ve had a wall up around me for a long time, the first time I talked to a person I don’t really know this happens. Well I have my wall up, tightened, and nailed shut. He gave me the creeps.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, I have this thing about talking on the telephone, really not talking on the phone. My therapist talked me into calling to pay my house note. She advised me to call Wayne’s sister, the biggest mistake of my life. She told me anything to be spiteful and hateful. I told her she was lucky I allowed her to go to the hospital, hospice, and the funeral. She said she was his sister that I couldn’t stop her. Then I explained the law to her, when you get married your spouse becomes your next of kin, then parents, then children, I told her she was down the line. I knew it was a mistake to call, I found out the one I wouldn’t allow to to go to these places is moving 4 miles from me. I know we will run into Wal-Mart, the last time we saw her, I told him she was sitting across in a restraunt, he refused to look around to see her. Four year prior was the last time they saw each other, she told her that she loved him. (Yeah right!)
I almost forgot, I was getting ready to call one of the people on my call list when guess who called, my daughter Heather.

I had therapy after work yesterday, she waited until it was time for me to leave that she told me that my friend who is paying for it stops at the end of the year. She asked how I felt, I know I got very quiet, I felt my blood pressure raise, and my depression drop lower. I got home went to bed, I heard my dog barking over and over, I looked out it was my daughter. I told her that it seems she shows up when I’m down. My daughter told me she would pay for my therapy, not to worry. I did another first, my daughter the other day was talking about going to buy a air compressor. I bit my upper lip, and said we have one in the shed, which belonged to her dad. That’s the reason she came over, but that was the first one of Wayne’s toys to leave my house. I was sad that Wayne would not ever use it again, but it is in a good home, I know Wayne would be OK with that. That didn’t stop the tears then and now but it is still in the family. I told her also that I have some attachments somewhere still in the boxes never used.