missingwayne
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Thanks for responding, one responce to a person that has lost husband and mother in 9 months. I’m in clinical depression, suicidal, and write to one of the places that most of the time someone has been through it before, an d has something to say. I’m guessing if someone on this log that has been through it before, they’re not around anymore to answer. NO ONE CARES CC is the most devasting disease, it not only kills the patient, but also his family.
Pauline,
I read your story of the three year mark, mine is at 19 months, this has been the hardest months of my life. Please pardon the mistakes, I still have trouble writing a legible sentence, much less now I have a broken thumb. I still go to individual therapy once a week, and group hospice once a week, but I still feel so sad nearly all the time. The hospice group I go to is the one that took care of my Mom, the one for Wayne we only had them 27 hours. It has been 10 months since I lost my Mom. The last few weeks seem like they have been worse. A month ago was my birthday, and two weeks ago was our 37th anniversary. If some one would have told me years ago to get prepared to one day to be alone I would have thought they were crazy. Between the mental thing, depression, and the finiancial thing, I’m surprise any of us survive. How do you prepare for the darkest side of your life?, you don’t. I go to therapy, I feel better usually for one day then the depression takes hold again. I am on prescriptions for depression, but I can’t afford them so I have to go wait in line, to hopefully get approved to get them, right now I am on 14 different medications, and I have been out for a week. I am off work tomorrow, so I’ll try to get approved again, they don’t like it because I have insurance, but the deductible is 300.00 a month. Like I said get prepared, I would have never thought. Like my therapist said these medications are life or death medicines. Some days I feel like when I get home from work he will be there, he was home disabled since 1988, then other times I feel I wouldn’t remember things without a picture and writing everything down. Sometimes I try to write and I can’t even remember the word that I want to use, most people do not understand. I believe the harder you love, the harder it hurts.
Friday afternoon I had afternoon duty at school, I slambed a car door on my thumb, she stopped to find out what had happened. I figure that she made me feel uncomfortable when she went to remission, and my Wayne went to see Jesus. Now I make her feel uncomfortable because he did go up to see Jesus and she is no longer in remission. It hurts both ways.
Debora,
Go to the internet look it up. You will get honest answers to your questions. Our doctor never told us the truth, until one week before my husband passed away. I was so angry at him, and I still am. Honesty we need it.So sorry to here about your daughter has this horrible disease. My husband had 4 or 5 procedures done the first time they drained 11 liters of fluid, and the second time 16 liters of fluid. He lost 24 lbs. the first time and 40 lbs. the second time. They then put a stent in that we could use at home, even though we were never able to use it. I was allowed to be in the room with my husband during the procedure, we could talk and I could hold his hand. It was the least I could do to support him. During the procedure you can’t see anything, but I have those memories that I will never forget. If you go in with her and talk about other things she might feel more at ease. Good luck!!!
It has now been 18 months since my Wayne went to see Jesus. The only one keeping me here is my daughter. I have begged for God to take me, but I assume I haven’t suffered enough. My house is getting ready to foreclose on, I work here my daughter lives 50 miles away. I have a shed in the back yard I’m thinking of moving a bed into it, it seems like at least 2 to 3 times a week something major goes wrong. I have given up everything I can but food and medicine, I guess that goes next. I am on 14 prescriptions my deductible is 280 a month, that’s without going to the doctor. I was check for cancer two weeks ago the test came back negative, so I can go on and roll on. I feel like I am nothing without him.
CM, I think this poem is beautiful. In a couple of days it will be 18 months since my Wayne went away. I cry deeply everyday, a am going to individual therapy and group hospice therapy. Losing one’s spouse has got to be one of hardest things a person can do. When you say losing it’s like if you look somewhere and you will find them, I guess we will when God calls us to Heaven to be with them in eternity. Until then it will always hurt.
Susan, I lost my husband and my mother in 9 months. My daughter is the only family that gives me comfort, and sometimes I think she gets tired of doing that. I have been seeing a couselor weekly, I don’t know what I would do without her. I can be having a bad day, then I go in, most of the time I come out laughing. I told her that last summer I still had my mom, my daughter was not working at the time, this year no Wayne, no mom, just lonliness. The other morning I heard the alarm go off, I hurried up and turned it off, I didn’t want to wake Wayne up, then I turned the only thing in bed with me was my dog, sleeping in Wayne’s place. That one moment when I wasn’t in reality made me happy, the real world took over then, got to get up and go to work. It is amazing how I felt in that one moment. Have you tried counseling it is a slow process, but you will fill better afterwards.
TerryMichele,
I lost my Mom on Nov. 21, 2010. This is my first Mother’s Day without her, I always went to see her every Mother’s Day, for that matter I saw her nearly everyday before she went to see Jesus. All holidays doesn’t feel right for me, see my husband went to see Jesus on Feb. 17, 2010, I lost both in 9 months. So, grief has came to visit my house, I wish it would leave, but I don’t think it will until I take my last breath. I will spend Mother’s Day with my daughter and her husband. I will be praying for you.
It has been 14 months since my Wayne left and 5 months since my Mom left. The answer to how you doing, always is OK. Only a few of my close friends can I really talk too. What hurts more is the friends that only smile at you, these are people I used to go out to eat with, now they act like I have the plague and if I bring up Wayne’s name, they act like that is a hush, hush subject They never bring up my Mom. I was Wayne’s caregiver for 25 years, my Mom’s for 10 years, raised 2 children, and held down a full time job. Somedays I’m not OK, those days I can go home, they never thought about if I was OK during those 25 years. My counselor helps me through the week.
Andie,
I’m on the other side, my Wayne went to see Jesus 2-17-2010. You never get over it. What has help me so much I go to counseling once a week. I didn’t go at first because I was working, well last summer I started, I don’t know I would have done without it. I know she gets paid to listen, but that’s OK, she sometimes seems to be my closest friend, in fact she knows more about me than my friends. I can talk to her, on November 21, 2010 my mother also went to see Jesus, two major loses in 9 months, she even came to the funeral home, to give me support, that meant a lot to me.
Lainy, I have seen or sinced that Wayne was with me. The first time was last year the first time I got the lawn mower out. It took me 40 minutes to get the lock off, I had tried and tried, then I stopped and asked what would Wayne do? I got the WD 40 out sprayed it down it opened and told the good Lord thank you and Wayne thank you too. So then I climbed on top, I had already put the gas in, I tried to turn it on nothing, so I go to Wayne and God again, the next time I tried it started.
The next time I could not find my bank card, I looked everywhere, I was at my whits end when I talked to that wonderful pair again, I went on the passenger side open the door, I happened to glance over to the drivers side there it was laying just under the seat.
I was watching TV the other day something funny came on, the first thing I did was to turn to tell Wayne about it. This happened even this morning, that had a commerical about the school system in Baton Rouge, they were telling children they could be anything with education, they should a little girl she said I could be a doctor, our doctor and her sister who is also a doctor turned around, I started to tell Wayne but then I thought he must be watching from upstairs.
The end of last week I was looking for the title of our car, I had looked everywhere, I ask Wayne what he do with it. He was always on the computer, since my daughter introduced him to E-bay, he was disabled and that took up his time during the day. I looked in the top shelf, all the things that he had put up there were still there. I looked at the second shelf, which I have looked at a thousand times, I found it. I cried for a hourl, I know he is my guardian angel. That is probably what he does, as per my question, he probably doesn’t have time to do anything else.
Darla,
I am so glad I don’t have to deal with snow, and temperatures like you have. A few weeks ago it was suppose to snow and ice, the town just about closed down, no school for two days, or state workers had the day off. We admit we can’t drive in the stuff, I believe it was Christmas a year ago since we had snow.
My daughter was a summer camp counselor for Birch Trial a few years ago. She called an ask me please send some winter clothes, she told me 36 degrees at night in July. She went from 90’s and above here to, having to get winter wear for Wisconsin.
Thanks for listening,
Terry
Lanne,
I am so sorry for your loss. You’ll hear people say your life will get back to normal, I found there is no normal. I loss my Mom Nov. 21, 2010, my husband to cc Feb. 17, 2010. I was with them my Mom I stayed with her for the last one and a half weeks. My Wayne I was with him in the hospital for 4 weeks and 1 day at hospice. To watch your love one get weaker and weaker and knowing you can’t do anything about it has to be the hardest thing on earth, but would you have not been there, I don’t think so. Go to counseling I have been going for 8 months it is well worth it.May God give you peace.
Terry
