teresa
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Hya robyn and alison.
I also noticed a difference in Alan.
Alan passed away in April 2006 however in February 2005 our middle son had the mumps very badly.Alan also had them within a few weeks. During 2005 his partner dina now tells me she would often go to work as she is a dentist and alan would still be asleep when she came home from work. This was on his day of when he had to work a weekend. She lost her dad in August of that year and she started to get impatient with him as he was tired all of the time and she could not believe someone would sleep for such long periods.
I asked him round about december of 2005 was he anorexic as I felt he was losing weight. His reply to me was that whilst he had the mumps earlier in the year he had lost weight and had struggled to regain it. He assured me he had regained his normal weight. He never carried a great deal of fat as he was very muscular. Looking back with hindsight, I realised he was eating an enormous amount of sweet stuff. He, like myself had a very sweet tooth but again dina said he would polish of anything sweet in the house whether it be breakfast, lunch, dinner or anytime really. It was as if he could not control it. He also told me the pain in his back, under his left shoulder blade that started during late December was almost identical to a pain he had when he was in New Zealand in 2003. At that time he thought it was due to sleeping in a car or caravan whilst they were travelling around.
I suppose it is with hindsight we become aware of some small changes that do not appear to be significant at the time.
Hopefully, sharing these thoughts may enable the medical profession to get a handle in some way on some of the symptoms that our loved ones portrayed prior to being so very ill. love and light Alan’s momHya Brenda
As Jeff commented we all have the emotions you have mentioned.
I would say welcome to this board, but not that I wish for people to be here.
For some of us though there is so much hope in your message that perhaps one day CC can and will be diagnosed much earlier and with more understanding by the medical people involved have an impact on more lives being saved. love and llight Alan’s mom
Hya Cathy I am so sorry.
It is so hard when I read about the pain you are feeling,
it is here with our friends that we know others too understand our pain and feelings of loss.
I am thinking of you and your family and wish you faith and peace.
love and light Alan’s momDear Celoi
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
It is such a sad time when we lose our loved ones.
He will be so awfully missed and I wish you peace in the weeks to come.
love and light . teresa Alan’s momHya Lisa Ann
I am so sorry that you have lost your Dad to this awful cc.
I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties with the hospice.
The journey that we tread with our loved ones with this illness is I feel a unique experience that only we can endure and share between each other.
Thus for most of us our stories are often long and rambling.
My story has opposite things to you in that our care of Alan involved hospice staff visiting us in our home and it was the best we could have received.
The care Alan received from one of our Famous hospitals in Birmingham was in his words “barbaric”. This, he told the proffessor when he finally got to the oncology unit at the start of April. He passed away on the last day of April (2006) without any treatment from the hospital.It was with the help of the hospice that Alan had a peaceful ending.
As I have written in the past I know we are all here any time, and I hope our experiences may some day help others in any way to learn to live again and remember the good things about our loved ones and finally put the ones that hurt us into a different part of our hearts.love and light Alans mom
A big THANK YOU to Stacie, Rick and everyone involved in this site.
My wish is that I could have had time when Alan became ill to find this site.
However, the help I have gained from coming here has been so immense,
and finally now I am able to allow others to see my beautiful son.
I would be so lost without this site and all of you special hardworking people.
I take my hat of to you all God Bless love and light Alan’s momOh Fran
just reading your latest message brings heartache and tears for you and Colin. I truly understand where you both are at this time.
My Alan was pretty much the same. He had been out and about with his friends up until the last 5 days and transferred some money out of his account just two days before his ending. I asked the nurse if it was cruel for me to say “I hope he goes soon.” I did not wish for him to suffer any more than he needed to.It is only when you have been on this shared journey, that we understand. We will all be here for you at any time. I hope and Pray that both of you will find love and peace at this time. love and light Alan’s mom
Dear Barbara
The pain of our broken hearts is so intense and the emptyness is so awful.
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is our fantastic memories of our loved ones that keeps us going.
I wish you peace and comfort for the future.
love and light Alans momDear Fran I am so sorry I also do not know much about the high fever,
I do not wish for you to have any more anguish however I know that my Alan realised for himself that something was happening. He told me his head felt like a goldfish bowl.
I also feel that we ourselves know when the time is ever near.
My heart aches for you and your family and we would all hope you and Colin have some sharing and peaceful time for this xmas. love and light Alans momDear Ted
I feel so much for you and the hole in your heart. You were truly blessed with so much love.
Thank you for writing about both Patty and yourself.
it was a truly beautifull journey and reading about you helped me to believe we will all see each other again.
love and light for ever Alans MomHya Helen I live in Birmingham.
My son also an Alan died on the 30th April 2006 in just 8 weeks. Our local doctor and our main hospital the Queen Elizabeth were absolutely hopeless with cc. Alan told the professor that it was barbaric. ( See in rememberance) A fantastically fit and healthy young man who was in his prime and in his own words so happy with life.
I will contact you through your site. I have been raising money and supporting our local hospice as they came out to us at any time i.e whenever we required their help. They were magnificant.
I too would like to help your charity as I have been so consumed with grief, anger and rage. He really was such a hardworking, helpful and resourceful young man. As you have commented so good in so many ways. love and light Teresa.Hya Jules and everyone on here.
As U.K. has said our experiences are different and yet as I read the posts there are some themes that run through that I too have experienced. I feel that we all have the same ones but at different stages in the grieving process. Moving a step at a time, often overlapping. As I have commented before I am caring for my husband who is also nearing the end of his life after 48 years of marriage and often have to hide my grief whilst doing this.
I too have had soo much anger in very much the same pattern.
The talking and re-living of Alans final days have consumed so much of my time and the need to talk of him. It appeard to me that others were getting to the stage when they were even walking away whilst I was speaking. They were not listening. As jules has noted I really needed people to just turn up and talk and listen. My husband actually told me to stop talking about it. My older son who lives in Scotland does not like to talk to me so much about Alan. He cannot see through my anger as he too is grieving. So you see even people so close do things differently. Nothing eased my pain and anger.I also found more recently I have been thinking about the people in my life who did not even offer to support ME when Alan got ill. It has been very sad for me to realise my vicar and congregation did not contact me at all during Alan’s short illness, at the time we were not aware of how long this would be. My sister is also at our church and I knew she updated them. We live within a short distance of the church and it is only now that I have been able to put these sort of things into words.
My oldest sister who I love dearly lives 200 miles away on the coast phoned when Alan passed away and asked did I want her to come to his funeral. I travel to see her at least 5 or 6 times a year. I was so incensed I said no, don’t bother. She did not come. I now feel I need to know why she needed to ask whether to support me or pay respect to alan.However, It is with great joy that I have found out who my real friends are and they are the most unlikely ones. One of them has always been a pain in the backside, breaks all the boundaries of life and never knows when to take heed. Lovely lady.
When Alan was ill she put a note through the door every day, could she do anything such as shopping, washing or ironing etc. Another one just telephoned every evening just to make sure I was O.k. Others called quickly but made sure we were allright.
The younger folk whom Alan knew were real gems. We named the girls Charlies Angels Without them I could not have managed. It changed my view of the young people of this country. Even still today some of these young people visit us regularly and talk of Alan. I have had lovely letters and poems written by them and I will tresure them for always.
One day I hope to be able to do some books concerning Alan’s life and what happened to him but for now I have to continue caring for my husband and go through the whole process again.
love and light Teresa Alan’s momDear Lisa I feel so much of your pain.
Be who you are, this I feel is what your dad would wish for you to be.
These are his memories of you and will give him the comfort he needs. My wish for you is that you and your mom will be able to comfort each other during this awful time.
This board is a very special place to be, you are loved and whatever emtions you are feeling are accepted, we too have had them all.These memories will sustain you in time to come write away we are all here for you.
As jules so apptly wrote if you havn’t been there you do not understand.
I wish you comfort and peace during these awful times love and light Alan’s mom xxxxxxxxxxxxHya Jules I feel so much of your pain. I too would not know what to do without this site and yet I have had some councelling from our most fantastic hospice here in Birmingham. I also know that the pain we feel is so great that unless you have experienced this it is impossible to understand or comprehend. Everyone has said everything, but I feel safe, secure and loved by everyone on here as they understand my rage, pain and anguish.
I feel that CC is a very different sort of cancer due in part to its nature and the toll it takes on the body of our loved ones.
It is some time now since we lost Alan but I am still not able to sort out his belongings. I find great comfort by being able to touch and smell his clothing. I sometimes scrunch his t-shirt or a sweatshirt and hold it to my face and I can see him wearing it and laughing. Although it makes me cry I find the joy on his face comforts me. I hope that one day you may find some peace. all my love to you Alan’s mom xxxxxxxxxxxHya Rae
I am so sorry you are all going through this. I am also sure he knows you all love him and he loves you too.As patricia and joyce have said no one knows when the end comes. My alan put his arms around his dad three days before and said ” I love you dad” I sat there and watched. He could not tell me, he had chose me to nurse him night and day for however long it took. This was how he told me he loved me. He knew that when his end came I would be the one with him. We could not say goodbye. He will live on for ever in our hearts and minds. His ending was so very peaceful, no pain just sleep.
Make the most of every minute whatever the cost to anyone or anything. This is a very special place and we are all there for you at any time. All my love and hugs to you all teresa (alans mom)
